


Encore

by little_escapist



Series: Underneath [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Anderberry Siblings, Angst, Depression, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Roommates, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:14:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 75,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26712010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_escapist/pseuds/little_escapist
Summary: Just when you think it's all over, it's time for encore.Kurt is living his best life with Rachel in New York. He is a student in NYADA, he got a small role in a movie, and befriended his idol, Elliott Starchild. Everything comes to halt when Rachel tells him that her brother is moving in with them. Little does she know that her brother also happens to be Kurt's ex.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Series: Underneath [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748998
Comments: 569
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are! The third installment of Underneath verse is here. I think you might be able to read this without reading the other two parts first, but if you want the whole story, I suggest take a peek at Soundcheck and The Concert. 
> 
> I've got 17 chapters so far, but this is still a work in progress. For now, I post a new chapter every Tuesday. Once I finish writing this, I'll start posting twice a week (the familiar drill I've had the last two multichapters I've written). 
> 
> Big thanks for childofillusions for letting me vent, helping with details, and brainstorming the structure!

”Oh, Kurt, finally you’re home! I need to talk to you,” Rachel starts as soon as Kurt closes the door to the loft behind himself.

“Filming ran late, and I’m sopping wet. Can’t it wait?” Kurt complains and shakes some extra water from his sleeves. It started pouring just as he took his first steps away from the subway stop, and of course he didn’t have an umbrella. He’s exhausted, sore after dancing for hours, and cranky as fuck. He doesn’t need whatever mild incident has Rachel all flustered up. It’s most likely some unnecessary drama, and Kurt has had enough of today.

“Well, it can wait until you change and shower, I guess,” Rachel says. She looks worried. “You look like a drowned rat.”

“Gee, thanks, Rach,” Kurt says and rolls his eyes.

“It’s October. You’re supposed to have an umbrella with you at all times.”

“That’s not helping at all, Rachel, can you just leave it and let me go shower?” Kurt walks past her, trying to not think about the wet marks he leaves on the floor. He doesn’t have the energy. He wants to sleep for a week. Instead he needs to start looking for a song for his recital, begin an essay for Theater History class, and learn a dance move that’s been bugging him.

Maybe auditioning to the movie was a bad idea, he muses as he peels the wet clothes off his skin and shivers. He doesn’t have time to live between school and filming. He has barely time to sleep and eat. He’s filming for another month, still, and even though his part is so small he isn’t needed every day, it’s taking a toll on him. NYADA is demanding, and Kurt is starting to feel almost too drained. Both NYADA and the movie together at the same time might have been too large a bite to chew. Still, Kurt wouldn’t change it for the world. Most days he likes that he’s busy. It doesn’t leave him time to think about the things he doesn’t want to think about.

He steps under the warm spray of the shower and sighs as his body warms up after the freezing trek home. The day has been so long. Kurt feels tired to his bones. He leans his forehead into the shower wall and lets the spray beat down on his shoulders. The warmth is heavenly.

Kurt is studying in NYADA, in New York City. He knows he’s only a freshman and his college career has just begun, but he still feels like a different person from the boy, eyes filled with wonder, moving to New York from Lima in the beginning of August. NYADA is brutal, it requires a lot of him both mentally and physically. New York is noisy and bright and sometimes Kurt misses the quiet of the small town he still calls home in his head, but he loves the city, too. He loves the energy and possibility New York offers, and finally he doesn’t have to look over his shoulder constantly. No one pays any mind to how he looks.

NYADA is a great setting for him, he fits in, and no one makes fun of his clothes or voice. There is a lot of drama – it is a drama school – but it slides off Kurt as easily as the suds of soap he’s washing himself with. He has endured a lot in high school, so some petty cat fights between ambitious theater kids he can handle. He isn’t being bullied anymore. Instead he has flourished under the attention of the teachers, and in the competition between like-minded people. He hasn’t made many friends, though. He misses Mercedes dearly, and the pack spirit of his old Glee club. He hangs out with this guy Chandler, who goes to NYU and often visits the coffee shop close to NYADA that Kurt and Rachel frequent. And of course, Kurt has Rachel. They might bicker and annoy the hell out of each other, but it’s nice to have someone familiar so close.

And, the biggest surprise of Kurt’s life so far: he has Elliott Starchild.

Kurt still can’t quite believe his luck. He is in a minor role in a musical movie starring his idol. The director is good friends with Mme Tibideaux, and wanted to have some fresh faces in his movie, so he arranged auditions for NYADA students in mid-September. The whole school was abuzz with excitement, since there were five minor roles and one larger role reserved for NYADA students. Rachel rolled her eyes at it all, loudly proclaiming that her future was on the stage, not in front of a camera. There were some who agreed with the sentiment. Kurt decided to try out, because there was nothing to lose and a lot to gain. He was sure the roles would go to seniors, but no one denied freshmen from auditioning.

Somehow Kurt was one of the six to make the cut. He got through the first round of auditions, the casting director and director had stared at him with their mouths hanging open as he sang. Kurt had to rub it in Rachel’s face a little. About a week after that there was another round of auditions, and this time the star of the movie was present, too. There were supposed to be some chemistry readings, so Elliott was there. Kurt almost fainted when he walked in and saw his idol there – his idol, who remembered his name.

“Oh, hey! You’re Blaine’s Kurt, right?” had been the exact words out of his mouth the moment he laid eyes on Kurt.

It hurt. It hurt to hear those words after months of hollow sadness, anger and even nightmares. Kurt laughed awkwardly after the first shock of Elliott remembering and hearing Blaine’s name. “I used to be,” he said, watching his idol’s eyes widen in understanding, a compassionate, sad smile taking over.

Kurt got a part in the movie, and Blaine has not been mentioned since.

Instead, Kurt is now friends with Elliott Gilbert, who used to be just Starchild to him. Kurt has grown close with the man he used to idolize as a teen (okay, he’s still practically a teen, but anyway) during filming. Sure, they are ten years apart in age, but they just click. Elliott is a sensible man with his feet firmly on the ground despite his lofty, showy stage persona and success. They go to get coffee together, they sometimes have lunch if their schedules line up, and Elliott was over for movie night once. Kurt has visited Elliott’s apartment a time or two. There was also a brunch with both Rachel and Elliott a week ago.

Life is busy, but good. Kurt wouldn’t trade this moment in his life for anything, not even a month of solid sleep. He’s happy. He’s living his dream, and taking steps to actually have a career. Things couldn’t be better. Even if he’s tired and cranky today, he recognizes how lucky he is.

Kurt towels off, feeling a bit less terrible than he did when he walked home. He is still longing for bed, but maybe he has enough energy to hear what Rachel needs to talk about. He shrugs on his bathrobe and walks to the kitchen. Rachel is sitting by the table with a bunch of notes spread all over. Kurt sits opposite of her, toweling his hair.

“Hey!” Rachel protests, hurrying to save her papers from getting wet. “Don’t drip on my notes.”

“You said you needed to talk to me about something?” Kurt goes straight to the point. He wants to get this conversation over with so he can finally go to bed.

“Um, yeah.” Rachel drops her pencil and sighs. She looks a little apprehensive as Kurt meets her eyes. Kurt is instantly wary.

“What have you done?” he asks. Rachel’s face reminds him a little too much of the time she accidentally broke one of Kurt’s brooches she had borrowed without permission. Something is wrong, Rachel has done something she knows isn’t right.

“Blaine called,” Rachel says looking away from Kurt’s eyes and fidgeting.

Kurt fights to keep his face neutral. Rachel still has no idea what went on between her brother and Kurt last spring, and Kurt intends to keep it that way. “Why are you telling me this? He’s your brother, of course he calls you.”

Rachel takes a deep breath and glances at him from beneath her bangs. “He got a job here in New York and he needs a place to stay until he finds an apartment of his own. So, I told him he could come live with us.”

“What?” Kurt feels all his breath leave his body. No. No, no, no. Absolutely not. This can’t be happening. Kurt can’t live with Blaine, not after everything. He feels hot and cold at the same time at the mere thought of seeing Blaine again.

“He won’t stay long, anyway, he’ll find a place, but it’s just that he’s starting at his job about two weeks from now, and he can’t find anything on such a short notice,” Rachel says. She keeps looking at Kurt like she’s waiting for an explosion.

“But, Rachel…”

“You got on just fine last spring, didn’t you, you spent a whole weekend with him! And I know you talked to him a lot after that, you were _friends_ , so I figured this wouldn’t be a problem,” Rachel continues.

“I… Rachel, really? You, you just figured? You invited him to live with us before asking me first? That’s not okay!” Kurt is close to shouting, but this is a disaster, his blood is boiling but there’s a chunk of ice in his stomach. He can’t live with Blaine. He just can’t. There’s no way this is happening, this must be a nightmare. He struggles to breathe evenly.

“He didn’t have a choice, Kurt! He told me so. He had tried asking elsewhere, we are his last resort. He starts in two weeks, so he needs a place to stay.” Rachel’s eyes are pleading now.

“Maybe he should have thought of that before he applied for the job,” Kurt retorts, bitter. It’s not right. Blaine should not upend Kurt’s life again, it’s not fair, it’s not okay. Kurt hates how much power Blaine still has over him. Kurt hates that he still cares, he just wants to feel nothing and move on properly. He does not want Blaine there. Kurt is doing fine, he is thriving. He does not need to deal with his past, and he does not want to see Blaine.

“I don’t get this,” Rachel says, ignoring Kurt’s prickly tone. “You were really friendly just six months ago, and now you’re biting my head off for offering to help him?”

“We had a disagreement,” Kurt says. He won’t say any more than that, he can’t. Rachel must never find out that Blaine took nearly all of Kurt’s firsts, romantically and sexually. She’s better off not knowing what they did behind her back. Disagreement is the understatement of the year, but he can’t possibly tell Rachel that Blaine dumped him. She’s better off not knowing, not having to choose between Kurt and her brother months after everything went down. She would throw a fit, she would create drama Kurt doesn’t want to deal with. She’s better off not knowing _anything_.

“Yeah, I gathered as much, since you suddenly stopped talking to each other,” Rachel sighs. “But really, can’t you just talk it out? Kurt, he needs this. He needs a chance, a change. He’s been pretty lost and miserable ever since he graduated. He doesn’t know where to go or what to do. I want to help him with everything I have, if he has finally found something he wants.”

When did Rachel start caring so much? She’s the most self-obsessed person Kurt has ever known. Yet this woman, pleading for her brother, is full of worry. Kurt doesn’t want to think how miserable Blaine might have been. It’s Blaine’s own fault. Blaine ended it. He dumped Kurt, because the distance and their age difference were too much for Blaine, so that’s completely on him. Kurt would have tried. Kurt would have fought to make it work. Blaine had chosen the easy way out, had ended them rather than taken a chance. Blaine pushed Kurt away in an attempt to harm himself, and apparently he had succeeded, if Rachel is this worried now. Blaine wanted pain, and pain he got. Kurt knows Blaine hasn’t told Rachel much of his life, has never really confided in his sister. So for Rachel to be this worried and caring all of a sudden, it must have been drastic.

But that isn’t Kurt’s business anymore. _Blaine_ isn’t Kurt’s business anymore. Blaine wanted Kurt gone from his life, and he got what he wanted. Blaine ended it, he decided it, and if he now tries to get pity points, he thinks wrong. It’s not Kurt’s place to say anything, or even feel for him. Blaine didn’t want it, so Kurt won’t bother. Kurt has decided not to feel anything, and it’s for the best. He has to move on and forget everything he ever felt for Blaine.

“I don’t think there is anything to talk about with him, Rachel,” Kurt says. He doesn’t have anything to say to Blaine, not after the way Blaine ended things. He has mostly moved past the initial pain, but he has no desire to see Blaine or be in touch in any way. It would make him feel too much. Just hearing Rachel talk about him is like picking at a still-healing scab to make it bleed again. Kurt was fine, keeping busy with his new life without Blaine, without even a little hint of Blaine. But now Blaine is going to be right there, in his space, all the time.

“What is so bad that it can’t be talked out?” Rachel wonders. “How are you so stubborn about this? Why can’t you give Blaine a chance?”

No, Kurt thinks. He absolutely won’t answer any of her questions. “It’s none of your business, Rachel, let it go.”

“Stop deflecting!” Rachel insists. “Blaine made it very clear that he doesn’t have another option. He’s going to pay his part of the rent and everything!”

“Fine!” Kurt shouts, getting up and slamming his hands on the tabletop. “Since it’s already been decided with no input from me whatsoever, I don’t think there’s anything I can do or say.” He storms off in a fashion that probably in any other situation would have made Rachel proud. The only downside is that there’s no door to slam, and he can’t even pull on the drapes around his area of the loft too violently, or they would fall off. Climbing up to fix them would totally kill a good sulk.

Kurt sits on his bed and hides his face in his hands. This is a disaster. He has no idea how he will ever manage to live with Blaine. He tries to focus on his breathing, in, two three, out, two, three.

Blaine. Ever since Kurt came to New York he has been trying to not think about Blaine at all. He has been focusing on his new life that Rachel’s brother really is not a part of. He’s just Rachel’s brother. That’s all. Kurt can’t think about him as his ex – the mere word ex-boyfriend hurts too much. How does he have an ex-boyfriend? It’s unreal. He never thought he’d even have a boyfriend before college, much less an ex.

Blaine is nothing but an unpleasant memory, hidden deep in the box of unwanted memories: there, but never in the open. It’s easier that way, less painful.

Still, no matter how resolutely Kurt tries to move past all the pain Blaine has caused, he hurts. He hates the way Blaine just decided for them both that it was over. The amount of rejection broke something in him. Blaine didn’t even give him a chance to try and make things better. He just said he was letting Kurt go. Setting Kurt free. He never asked if Kurt wanted to be set free. Kurt had wanted forever with Blaine. There were still things he didn’t know about Blaine, still things they never did. Kurt would have wanted to experience those things, learn those things, and he’s pretty sure that no one could have been better to do it with than Blaine. It is a bias that will come to bite him later in life, he knows it. He can’t compare everyone to his first love. He should move on, he should start meeting people, but it’s hard. It’s as if he’s admitting that he and Blaine are over.

They have been over for months. It’s just that as long as Kurt stays single, he’s Blaine’s. He never wants to be anyone else’s, no matter how angry with Blaine he has been. There was a short-lived attraction to a guy called Adam soon after Kurt started at NYADA, but it felt wrong at the same time. They did get coffee, once. No spark, no connection, Kurt got home missing Blaine more than in ages. He still misses Blaine despite the hurt and anger and rejection. He longs for the connection they had, the undeniable chemistry, like the cliché of two opposite poles of a pair of magnets. He longs for the affection Blaine gave without a second thought, he misses being wanted again. Kurt has been drawn to Blaine since the first time he ever set eyes on him, and last spring it felt almost inevitable that they would end up together for good.

It’s over now, though. They are not together anymore. Blaine is just Rachel’s big brother. A big brother who is moving in soon to become a roommate.

Even though Kurt longs for the times they had together, it doesn’t mean he wants to see Blaine. It doesn’t mean he wants Blaine back. What he wants is to go back in time, into who they were back then. That’s not a possibility. They are new people now, people after a break-up, and Kurt knows he has changed since he moved to New York. He’s even more independent than he used to be, even less afraid. He’s more comfortable in his own skin, and in who he is. He isn’t the timid boy from last March, giddy to get attention from anyone. He’s more of a man now, both physically and mentally. And Blaine, who knows what has happened to Blaine after he dumped Kurt. They are not the same people anymore, so how could they have the same kind of relationship? There is no way.

Kurt has no idea how to deal with this situation. Blaine is going to be right there, in the loft, the space that belongs to Kurt and Rachel and no one else. Blaine is going to share that space, his things are going to be there, his scent in the air, his products in the bathroom. Kurt huffs at the irony that they are going to be physically closer to each other now than they ever were when they were together. Back when they were dating, they lived in two different towns, and all they had were stolen evenings and weekends together, too-long phone calls at night and constant yearning for each other. And now they are going to live under the same roof.

What a cruel fate.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am beyond amazed by the reaction to the first chapter. You have no idea how much your comments mean to me. I've been reading them over and over again, close to tears tbecause you like what I've cooked up.
> 
> This chapter is kind of a recap of what went on with Kurt and Blaine in The Concert.

It’s impossible to fall asleep. Kurt lies in bed wide awake, listening to Rachel’s white noise machine humming a few feet away. The lights of the city shine in through the blinds, creating stripes on the ceiling and the drapes surrounding Kurt’s area of the loft.

Blaine is going to live here. Sleep, eat and shower right here.

Kurt has consciously evaded the mere thought of Blaine for months, and now that he let himself think, he can’t stop. He remembers everything they had together, how happy he was. He feels so much that he can’t even pinpoint what he’s feeling anymore, even his skin is both hot and cold at the same time. He misses Blaine, their break-up feels like someone carved out a piece of Kurt’s soul. It felt like that in the beginning, right after Blaine told him he couldn’t do it anymore. Now the hollow, half-empty feeling is back, and Kurt doesn’t like it. It feels like forever ago, but it’s been less than six months.

Maybe it’s okay to hurt, still. Blaine is the first guy Kurt ever loved. It takes time. Kurt takes a deep breath and tries to keep his tears at bay. He misses Blaine. He misses what they had, the kisses, the casual, easy intimacy he hasn’t had with anyone else. He just wants to be held and loved. He misses being kissed. He misses late night phone calls and the excitement that surged in his belly every time his phone rang.

Despite the longing for all those things, Kurt is still angry, too. He hates Blaine a little for giving up on them so easily. Blaine just decided it all for them. He didn’t let Kurt state his opinion. They ended it without trying the even longer distance. Kurt hates that Blaine is so insecure in himself, that he was so insecure about their relationship. Kurt was all in. He was ready to make the effort, keep up with phone calls and Skype and messages. Blaine didn’t even want to try. It makes Kurt angrier than anything. To Blaine their relationship clearly wasn’t even worth the try. Blaine pushed Kurt away. And even though Kurt knows Blaine well enough to guess his motives, the reasoning doesn’t help. He might understand why Blaine did what he did, but it doesn’t ease the pain. Blaine did not believe in them enough as a couple.

Still Blaine had loved Kurt. Kurt knows it, even though Blaine only said it once, as he was dumping Kurt. The feeling had been evident in the way Blaine looked at him, talked to him, respected him. Kurt hits his fists against the mattress. Why did Blaine say those words at all, if the only moment he said them was the worst time of Kurt’s life? Or at least close to the worst. Those three little words should have been said late at night, in bed, tangled together in warmth, comfort and soft touches. Or maybe at the breakfast table, light filtering in, hand held in hand. Maybe over coffees in a brightly lit coffee shop. But no. Blaine never said them in a setting like that. Blaine told Kurt _I love you too much to force you into keeping me._ Kurt blinks away his tears. He swore, back in June, that he would not cry over Blaine anymore.

This time his resolution does not hold. One tear tears free, sliding down his skin until in tickles in his ear. He still loves Blaine. He yearns for a touch only Blaine can give him, longs for the familiar, comforting scent of his hair gel and body wash mixing. He wants to be held close, trail his fingers on the tattooed span of Blaine’s back. There are still pictures there that Kurt doesn’t know the story of. Kurt wants Blaine’s lovely laugh and deep, deep sadness. He wants Blaine, the broken whole that is Blaine, perfect in his imperfections. It’s not that Kurt misses the physical sensation of someone else touching him, or the sensory overload that is thoroughly kissing and being kissed. He misses the exact way Blaine touched him, the exact way Blaine kissed him. Kurt longs to be touched, but only by Blaine.

It is going to be torture, having Blaine so close.

There’s no way of avoiding the reality of it. Blaine is coming to New York, and he is going to live with Kurt and Rachel at least for a while. Kurt will have to live in the same apartment with him. There is space in the loft, but it will be a little cramped with three people. Maybe Kurt should buddy up to Chandler more, spend some nights at his place, even though Chandler’s obvious crush is a little intimidating. It’s nice to be openly appreciated, but Kurt is very much getting over Blaine, still. It would be easier to deal with Chandler’s over-the-top flirting than Blaine’s existence, though. Kurt groans and turns over to hide his face in his pillow.

*

“So, when is he coming?” Kurt asks before even a good morning once Rachel appears from the bathroom.

“Friday next week,” Rachel says meekly, knowing right away what Kurt means. She seems to realize that Kurt is still a little mad at her.

Friday next week. That gives Kurt nine days to wrap his mind around this development. He has nine days to figure out a way to face Blaine without crumbling to pieces.

“Kurt, what happened?” Rachel asks, stopping in the middle of the loft on her way to the kitchen.

“What do you mean?”

Rachel turns to face him properly. “You and Blaine. You used to be friends. You weren’t even upset that he kissed you in spin the bottle, and now you’re mad at me for letting him stay with us.”

Kurt sighs. He’s tired after staying up with his thoughts for so long. He just wanted to brush his teeth and get some breakfast and go to school. Apparently he needs to explain himself to Rachel first. “It’s not about Blaine.” It’s all about Blaine. “It’s just that I wish you would have discussed with me before inviting anyone to live here. This isn’t just your place, Rachel, it’s ours. That means I should have a say, too.”

“I’m sorry,” Rachel says. “He sounded so desperate, Kurt, if you had heard him… He told me several times that he wouldn’t ask if he had another choice.”

Every word out of her mouth hurts a little more than the last. Blaine really must have been desperate to ask for lodging at his ex-boyfriend’s apartment. “I get it, Rach. I just wish you’d talk to me about stuff like this first, okay?”

Rachel nods. “Absolutely. I love you, you know? Thanks for letting Blaine come here.”

“I’m not evil,” Kurt says and rolls his eyes. “I believe you when you say he has no choice.” Blaine owes him that much tact after leaving him like he did. There’s no way Blaine would have asked Rachel this just for shits and giggles. If there was another way, Blaine would have taken it, Kurt knows it. Kurt kind of wishes Blaine had asked him, not just Rachel, but he doesn’t think he would have picked up if he had seen Blaine’s name in the caller ID.

“Still, thank you,” Rachel says with a hesitant smile.

“No problem,” Kurt shrugs. It is a huge problem, actually, but he wants to be done with this conversation so he can start his day. He gives Rachel a tiny smile before going to the bathroom.

*

Miraculously Kurt makes it through the day. He is able to focus enough in class, and actually gets together two pages of his Theater History essay during his free period. After his classes he heads to meet Elliott at a coffee shop halfway between NYADA and his apartment in Bushwick.

Sometimes Kurt has to stop and wonder how he got here. Hanging on to a railing in the subway he feels another of those odd, wistful moments coming. He is in New York City, student at NYADA, and on his way to meet Elliott, the man who somehow turned from idol to a mentor and a friend. Kurt has everything he dared to dream of – the city he lives in, the school he studies in, and now a role in a movie, too. He has friends, not many but enough, and he’s thriving. Kurt is really thankful of the life he gets to lead. If someone had told him where he would be, just six months ago, he wouldn’t have believed it all. New York has surprised him in many ways.

Elliott is by far the biggest surprise of them all. He’s Elliott Gilbert now, not really Starchild anymore. When he’s not in costume, he is very different from his stage persona. He is still the superstar Kurt used to fantasize about, but only in glimpses. Actually Elliott is very down to earth, a calm and reasonable person with a warm sense of humor. He’s easy to get along with, and he has never made Kurt feel inferior despite how different they are. They fell into a friendship so easily right from the start that it makes Kurt want to shake his head in disbelief. It had actually been Elliott seeking him out on set. They are in different places in life, Elliott is a superstar and ten years older, but they clicked very quickly. They share a set of values and a certain view of life. Elliott gives good advice and is readily helping Kurt, who is only learning to navigate his way in the city and in life. Kurt loves to hear Elliott tell about the music industry.

There’s only one person Kurt has clicked more with, and that’s Blaine.

It’s annoying how Blaine hasn’t been far from his mind, not once since Rachel shared her news. Now that Blaine’s arrival is looming right around the corner, Kurt’s mind strays to him at every spare moment. As if he has to catch up all the months he refused to think about Blaine at all. Damn Blaine for ruining Kurt’s good streak, his good life in New York, Kurt thinks as he heads out of the subway.

The café isn’t too far from the stop. Today Kurt has an umbrella with him, so of course it doesn’t rain, even though the clouds are hanging low just above the tall buildings and making the afternoon dark. Kurt hurries his steps and makes his way inside the brightly-lit café. There are quite many people there, a happy chatter fills the air as the door closes behind Kurt. Elliott is sitting in a corner table. The thing about him is that his stage persona looks so extravagant, he’s rarely recognized in everyday life. Civilian Elliott doesn’t wear glitter, chains or platform shoes. Today he’s wearing a brown knitted shirt and a beanie. Kurt walks straight over to him, dodging a baby stroller between the tables.

“Hey, Kurt!” Elliott gets up for a short hug. “How are you?”

“Honestly?” Kurt asks as he returns the gesture. Elliott gives the best hugs. “I’m kind of freaking out. I’ll get myself a coffee and tell you everything?”

“Of course,” Elliott says with a concerned look on his face.

After Kurt gets his mocha and sits down opposite of Elliott, Elliott looks more curious than anything else. “Okay, shoot. What is it that’s freaking you out?”

“Blaine is coming to New York,” Kurt tells him and takes a sip of his coffee.

Elliott blinks. “Um, yeah. I heard.”

That takes Kurt by surprise. “What, you did?”

“Yeah, he was looking for a place to stay,” Elliott says, easy as that. He has a cautious look in his eyes. They haven’t even mentioned Blaine since Elliott’s slip up in Kurt’s second audition.

“Where did you hear that from?” Kurt asks.

“Dani told me. She said that Blaine had called Sam, but Sam is living with five other guys at the moment, and there just isn’t any room. So Sam forwarded Blaine on to Dani, but Dani and Brittany are happy with their current arrangement and there’s no room in their apartment, either. Dani kind of asked me, as well, but my tiny studio is just too tiny for two people.”

Kurt stares at him in disbelief. “When was this?”

Elliott shrugs. “Sometime last week.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Come on,” Elliott laughs. “We have not spoken about Blaine once after you made it clear you’re not an item anymore. I thought you had moved on, so why would I mention something like this?”

“You have a point,” Kurt says and sighs.

“Yeah, I thought so, too. How did you find out about Blaine coming?” Elliott asks.

“Since there’s technically room in my and Rachel’s apartment, Rachel told him to move in with us,” Kurt says, staring into his coffee.

Elliott closes his eyes and holds his hands up. “Hold up, rewind. How does your roommate know Blaine?”

Kurt gapes at him. This can’t be real. “Rachel is Blaine’s sister. Didn’t you know?”

Elliott shakes his head, clearly dumbfounded.

“Well, Blaine really does keep his cards close to his chest,” Kurt muses. Blaine isn’t one to open up about his life to anyone. He did tell Kurt quite a lot during their time together, but Kurt is pretty sure even he doesn’t know everything about Blaine. Maybe he never will. And if Elliott and Blaine were more acquaintances than real friends, it’s no wonder Elliott never knew about Blaine’s sister, or anything about his life back home.

“I had no idea Blaine has a sister,” Elliott says.

“He does. Well, they’re not blood-related, but they grew up in the same house. A gay couple got Rachel with a surrogate and adopted Blaine,” Kurt says. He thinks he can share that without giving away too much, without saying something that isn’t his to tell.

“Wow.” Elliott’s eyes are wide as plates. “I guess I didn’t know Blaine that well, but still. I thought… I should have known that much.”

“Blaine doesn’t talk about his past much,” Kurt says. “I had no idea he was friendly with you until we were standing right in front of you at the after party in Columbus.”

Elliott shakes his head. “This is crazy. And you’re living with his sister now? How does that work, living with your ex-boyfriend’s sister?”

Kurt drinks and settles deeper into his chair. Oh boy. Elliott doesn’t know anything about how everything happened. There hasn’t been a time for that story, since Kurt hasn’t spoken about Blaine. “I was Rachel’s friend first,” Kurt starts. “We were classmates in high school, actually Rachel is the first friend I made there. I had a huge crush on Blaine from the moment I first saw him, opening the door as I was going to Rachel’s. Fast forward a couple of years. Your gig came up, and I had no one to go with, so suddenly Blaine was offering to go with me. He… he knew that I was being bullied. He told me he thought I deserved something nice.”

“So you two weren’t, at the time of the concert…?” Elliott raises his eyebrows.

“No. We got together about a month later,” Kurt tells Elliott, who whistles low.

“Shit, Kurt. He was all over you, so I thought that for sure you two were together.”

“He had a problem with the age difference,” Kurt shrugs and drinks. His coffee doesn’t taste half as good as usually, all because of the subject matter of their talk.

“This story is more complicated than I ever realized,” Elliott says.

Kurt nods. “Yeah. We were together until I got accepted to NYADA. Blaine told me that he loved me too much to hold me down, and dumped me. And now he’s moving in with me because his sister never knew we were together in the first place. I have less than two weeks to prepare myself.”

“No wonder you’re freaking out,” Elliott says. “You’re in quite the mess.”

“Don’t I know it,” Kurt says, feeling the dread and a wall of emotions approaching. He needs a distraction now. “I need something else to think about. Tell me how filming went today. Any mishaps?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of Elliott! 
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally we meet Blaine again.

Halloween is on a Wednesday this year, so the parties take place mostly on the weekends before and after. Rachel has been invited to a party the weekend before Halloween, and Chandler is organizing his on the next. On top of that, Blaine is moving in on Friday the 2nd, there’s normal schoolwork and Kurt is filming on two days that week. Kurt dreads it, but somehow it flies by as he and Rachel set up the apartment, put up drapes for Blaine’s “room” and clean up, plus everything else Kurt has to do. He spends every spare minute with homework and filming runs late on Tuesday. He even has to cancel his weekly phone call with his dad.

Somehow, it’s Friday. Being busy has been a blessing, since Kurt has barely had any time to stress about Blaine’s arrival. His days have been completely packed, and that’s true for Friday, as well. Kurt goes to his classes and stays on campus to rehearse some dancing and to write his Theater History essay that’s due next week. It’s not that he’s avoiding Blaine. It’s just that Chandler lives closer to NYADA campus than where Kurt and Rachel live, so it’s less hassle to travel to the party. Kurt packed his fabulous vampire outfit with him in the morning, and he’ll head to Chandler’s a little early to help him decorate. Kurt doesn’t really know anyone else there apart from Chandler, but this is a good opportunity to meet people. It’s not like Kurt has made many new friends in New York – he has Chandler and Elliott and that’s it. Besides, the party is convenient. Kurt won’t have to face Blaine so soon if he stays longer at Chandler’s. It’ll give him a few hours before the inevitable, and sometimes delaying the inevitable is a good thing.

Chandler lives in a small apartment with two roommates. The place is already pretty decorated when Kurt arrives, but he helps Chandler and his roommates to set up the food and drinks. People start arriving soon after, and Kurt realizes how he really doesn’t know any of these people. Most of them are Chandler’s friends from NYU. Chandler introduces him to some of the guests, but Kurt pulls off from the conversations rather quickly. These are theater people, interested in music and storytelling, but Kurt feels detached. He ends up standing close to the wall and drinking the night away, every once in a while evading Chandler’s obvious lines that get worse and worse the more Chandler drinks. Kurt doesn’t know who provided the alcohol, but he takes advantage and does not think about Blaine in his apartment at all.

*

It’s closer to two am as Kurt slides open the door to the loft. He’s a little tipsy and a lot tired. The loft is dark, and Rachel’s white noise machine is humming behind her curtains. There are two pairs of unfamiliar shoes by the door, but otherwise it’s like Blaine isn’t there at all. Kurt goes to the kitchen, taking deep breaths to try and calm down his wildly beating heart. Of course Rachel and Blaine are asleep. Moving in is tiring, even though Blaine hasn’t brought any furniture with him. Kurt overheard a phone conversation Rachel had with her brother earlier in the week, and according to that Blaine doesn’t even have a bed yet. He’s sleeping on an inflatable mattress until they can go buy him a real bed.

Kurt gets himself some water and leans on the counter. He was a fool to expect to see Blaine tonight after staying out so late. Because it is late. Blaine has flown in today, and of course he’s asleep at two am. It’s not a big deal, Kurt tells himself. He’ll see Blaine in the morning.

Holy shit. He is going to see Blaine in the morning.

Despite the apprehension that’s been following Kurt all week, despite his avoidance of his own home for the day of Blaine’s arrival, he is a little disappointed by the quiet apartment. He wants to see Blaine. He’s curious about him, how he looks now, after months of no contact at all. It’s scary to know that only hours from now he will see Blaine face to face again. Kurt has no idea how they will navigate living together. He doesn’t know if it’ll be super awkward, or if they’ll fall into the easy familiarity of before. He doesn’t know what to expect, what to prepare for. But now that Blaine is here, just a few feet away, Kurt finds himself excited as well as afraid. Blaine is _here_. Just like that, Kurt’s heart is back to racing. He ignores it and finishes his water before heading to the bathroom.

*

Kurt wakes up groggy from the late night and the drinks he had. He didn’t drink enough to warrant a hangover, but he still feels off. It would be amazing to just sleep a little bit more, but sun is filtering through the blinds and he can hear voices from the apartment. Rachel is talking in a hushed tone, and it puzzles Kurt for a second until someone answers her. A quiet and calm voice that Kurt would recognize everywhere.

Blaine.

Tears threaten to fall immediately, like some kind of reflex, as Kurt hears that low, beloved voice in his apartment. Blaine is here. Beautiful, caring Blaine who broke Kurt’s heart. Kurt lies still, keeping his eyes closed and swallowing the lump in his throat. He is past this. He thought he was. Just hearing Blaine’s voice should not affect him this much anymore. He is used to the phantom ache of rejection and the endless longing for something he doesn’t have anymore. He has cried enough. Yet here he is, lying on his back behind his drapes, tears silently flowing down his cheeks, as he listens to the warm cadence of Blaine’s voice, too hushed to make out individual words. He feels vulnerable, like that boy he used to be when he and Blaine started to get closer, and Kurt doesn’t like it. He is a different person now, he’s tougher, stronger. He sits up and wipes away his tears. He will face Blaine, damn it.

Maybe he did not think this through well enough. Staying out so late that Rachel and Blaine were already asleep delayed the moment of meeting Blaine, but Kurt feels like he would have been more in control yesterday. Now he’s disoriented, tired and in his pajamas. Not the first impression he wanted to give. First thing Blaine will see is messy hair, probably red eyes and unflattering pajamas. Kurt could dress before heading out into the living area, but he has to shower. He would just have to take his clothes off again. He has no options, especially now that his bladder is starting to scream at him.

Time to face the music. Kurt is going to live with Blaine, and they probably will see each other in all kinds of states of dress. Kurt gets to his feet and drags his fingers through his hair, trying to get it little less messy, little less floppy. His hands are shaking. Great. Blaine has always had that effect on him, and months apart have only made it worse. It annoys Kurt to no end. He swallows, pulls aside the curtain and slinks to the living area.

Rachel is in the arm chair with a large mug of tea in her hands. Her hair looks soft in a loose braid, and she’s in her Saturday indoors clothes: yoga pants and a long-sleeved pink tee.

Blaine is sitting on the couch. His hair is slicked right against his skull, as if it wasn’t lovely and curly and thick – it almost looks like someone painted his head black from where there’s supposed to be hair. Kurt really needs to hide Blaine’s hair gel if that is what Blaine’s doing with it nowadays. Blaine is wearing a white cardigan, and he looks somehow small, cuddled into the couch with a cup of coffee. He looks the same, yet different, and he turns to face Kurt. His mouth is a thin line, his eyes void of the warmth Kurt is used to seeing there. There are ghosts behind Blaine’s eyes, his gaze heavy and haunted. Kurt aches, his heart is thumping painfully in his chest as he makes eye contact.

“Hi,” he says, fighting to keep his head up high. He is proud, he is fine, and he will not hide or cover no matter how much he wants to. He will own this moment, show Blaine that he’s good, maybe even better without Blaine in his life.

“Kurt,” Blaine says, and even the way he says Kurt’s name is somehow different than it used to be. Still, it makes Kurt shiver, to hear his name from those lips, in that voice. “Good morning.”

“Finally you’re awake!” Rachel stands up from the chair, sets her tea aside and strides over to Kurt. “A word?”

Kurt takes one look at her fiery eyes. No. He’s not ready. “Just let me go to the bathroom first. Then you can yell at me all you want,” he says and flees past her. He knows Rachel isn’t happy that he hid away all day yesterday. It was kind of rude, after all.

The first meeting is over now, Kurt thinks as he relieves himself. He said hi to Blaine and the world didn’t collapse. He got through the first interaction without breaking down. Small steps at a time and everything will be alright. His heart will calm down in time.

Kurt steps into the shower, sighing as warm water runs down his back. Blaine looked different. More subdued than before, drawn in. A part of Kurt wants to think that their break up has affected Blaine, but the more plausible reasons for that are probably travel and a bad sleep at night. He has no idea what Blaine is thinking or feeling. Kurt is curious, but maybe it’s none of his business. They can live together with minimal interaction, right? He’s over Blaine. He is. He has to be, now that Blaine is here and they’ll have to see each other daily. He can’t moon over something that used to be, when the someone it used to be with is right there.

When Kurt walks out of the shower in his robe a while later, Blaine is still on the couch, now with a book in his hands. He doesn’t even glance Kurt’s way, and Kurt is glad for that. He hurries back to his own space before he has to face Blaine in nothing but a robe and a towel. Rachel rushes from the kitchen to follow him, and doesn’t stop at the curtains. She barges right into Kurt’s space without any tact.

“Hey!” Kurt protests. “I’m naked here!”

“Not like I haven’t seen you naked, we live together,” Rachel says, completely unfazed. “I’m not letting you run away a second time. We need to talk.”

“Fine,” Kurt sighs, pulling on his briefs and turning to choose pants, all the while Rachel stands there with her hands on her hips.

“Where were you last night?” There’s that judgment Kurt was waiting for.

“At Chandler’s Halloween party,” Kurt says, not looking at Rachel. Instead he contemplates between blue and gray pants.

“I can’t believe you. It would have been polite to come home early enough to greet your new roommate instead of staying away all day and half the night!” Rachel is clearly trying to keep her voice down, but it’s not working. She’s pissed.

“I got held up,” Kurt lies, and chooses the gray jeans.

“What is wrong with you?” Rachel shrieks.

“Nothing,” Kurt insists. There’s nothing he can tell her.

“Rachel, leave him alone,” Blaine calls from the living area, voice flat. “Everything’s fine, let him live his life.”

Kurt blinks, surprised.

Rachel sets her mouth into a frown and huffs. “I don’t get you two!” she hisses before turning and storming away, leaving Kurt standing there stupidly, and pants in his hands.

This is going to be a nightmare, and Kurt hasn’t even had breakfast yet.

The air in the loft feels chilled as Kurt dresses and goes to the kitchen to make himself some toast. Rachel is nowhere to be seen, and Blaine is still on the couch with his book, not saying a word. Kurt tries not to care. Rachel invited Blaine here without asking him, so she hasn’t really got any reason to make Kurt behave. Kurt feels petty and childish, but he just can’t deal. It isn’t Rachel’s business how he and Blaine act, and Kurt is allowed to go to parties with his friends. Rachel is just butting in his life for the hell of it. She never knows how to stay away, after all.

Kurt sits down to eat, his back towards the living area and Blaine. He’ll have to stay on campus as long as possible during the week. He’ll be busy with filming for one more week, after that he’ll have to figure out something else. He can avoid being home. He doesn’t want to deal with Rachel’s antics or with Blaine’s presence.

*

Kurt gets a phone call from his dad late on Tuesday night. The weekend was a nightmare, the loft felt cold and almost hostile. Kurt stayed in the kitchen or in his own area with his schoolwork. He couldn’t focus much, though. He did his best to ignore both Blaine and Rachel completely, apart from stealing glances every once in a while. Blaine sat on the couch for most of the weekend, quiet and small, as if trying to vanish inside the couch, only answering Rachel’s desperate chatter when absolutely necessary. He filled some papers and spent a lot of time staring at a laptop. Monday was a relief, and Kurt was happy to linger at the NYADA campus for as long as possible. He did a lot of studying in the café on campus, and managed to stay there until it closed. Today he had come home a little earlier than that.

Now he rushes to his own area, away from Rachel and Blaine who are in the kitchen making dinner. He doesn’t want to have this conversation within earshot. He has to tell his dad that Blaine is living with them, and he can’t know what the reaction will be like.

“Hi, dad.”

“Hey, kiddo. You’ve been really busy, huh, since you haven’t had time to call me?” His dad’s voice is warm despite the words that make sting. Kurt hates that he doesn’t have more time to talk to his dad.

“Filming has been crazy, since it’s wrapping up soon. I only have a week left, and then I might have some free time, even,” Kurt says. He takes a deep breath and goes for the kill. “And, there’s something else that’s been keeping me busy, too, I guess.”

“Oh? What’s that, if it’s not studying or filming? A special someone?” Burt guesses.

Kurt bites his lip. “Um. Well. I guess, in a way, but not like you mean it.” He can’t deny that Blaine is special, no matter what their past is like.

“Okay, you’ve got me stumped with that. That makes no sense.”

“Blaine moved in.” Like a band-aid. Kurt closes his eyes and waits for his dad’s reaction.

“Hold on. Kurt – why? I thought you guys broke up.”

It hurts in its straightforwardness, but it’s true. They did break up. Blaine dumped Kurt, just like that, and broke Kurt’s heart. Burt very well knows it, since he had to pick up the pieces last summer. Kurt swallows and sighs. “We did. But he got a job here in the city, and he had nowhere else to go, so Rachel told him he could come live with us while he’s looking for his own place.”

“Are you okay?” Burt asks.

“I, I don’t know,” Kurt confesses. “I’m not sure how to handle this, dad.”

“This development does not make me happy, but I guess you have no choice. Just take it one day at a time, and remember that you can always come home? You can always talk to me.”

“Yeah.” Kurt is more than grateful for his dad.

*

“You do realize you can’t keep this up forever, right?” Elliott asks Kurt.

They’re hanging out at Elliott’s after wrapping up filming for the day. It’s been six days since Blaine moved in, and Kurt has done a marvelous job of only going to the loft to sleep. Rachel had tried to coax him to go shopping for beds with her and Blaine yesterday, but he managed to dodge it by claiming that’s he’s doing schoolwork with his classmates on campus. Instead he went home, knowing there would be no one there, and failed spectacularly on the homework front.

“Keep up with what?” Kurt counters, stretching his legs in front of him and leaning back on his chair.

“Avoiding Blaine,” Elliott says simply, following Kurt with his eyes over the table. It’s tiny, tucked into a corner of Elliott’s studio. Kurt has wondered why Elliott doesn’t move – he has the money for a larger place for sure. Kurt just doesn’t know how to ask it politely, so he has let it go.

Kurt snorts. “I’m not avoiding Blaine. I’m just busy, and it’s easier to focus on campus.”

Elliott gives him a long, serious look. “Am I supposed to buy that, Kurt? Really?”

Kurt sighs. It was a lousy lie. He knows Elliott sees right through him, and Rachel and Blaine probably do, too. They know Kurt a lot better than Elliott, and Kurt hasn’t been able to give reasonable excuses for his behavior. He is avoiding Blaine. He just can’t imagine what to say or how to act around his ex.

“You have to face him some time. He lives in your apartment. You can’t just stay away forever,” Elliott says. “Also, no, you can’t just lounge around in here all the time. This place isn’t made for two. Otherwise Blaine might be here instead.”

“Ha, ha,” Kurt says drily. “I have no idea what to say to him. I don’t know how to be around him normally. Rachel can’t know what happened between us, and it’s so difficult to pretend when she’s right there all the time. It’s awkward to talk about something meaningless with Blaine when there’s this huge thing between us.”

“But idle chit-chat would still be better than this, you know,” Elliott says gently, leaning forward, elbows on the tabletop as he regards Kurt. “I’m sure Rachel has figured something out by now. Blaine might have told her about it – I don’t know her well, but I know enough. She probably has asked about it.”

Kurt hates that Elliott is probably right. Also, the thought that Blaine might have told Rachel about their relationship sends chills down his spine, and not the good kind. The kind that make him nauseous and scared. “Rachel doesn’t know. She would have confronted me.” The words are as much for Elliott as they are for him. He needs to convince himself of that. Rachel would have stormed up to him if she knew he and Blaine were together last spring.

Elliott shrugs. “Probably. But you can’t know for sure. You need to sort this out before you’re even deeper in shit, Kurt.”

“I just… It’s so hard, Elliott. It’s so hard that he’s always there, that he’s sleeping only feet away from me, that I see him every morning before he leaves for work and I go to class.”

Elliott narrows his eyes, taking Kurt in. Kurt squirms under the scrutiny, not sure what Elliott is looking for, exactly. They sit like that, in silence, for a long moment. Kurt isn’t sure how to deal with it. He isn’t sure what Elliott sees, but there’s a sad softness to his face suddenly.

“Oh, honey,” Elliott says then, voice filled with empathy, and gets up. He steps over to Kurt and pulls him into an odd sideways-hug. “You have to talk to him.”

“I know,” Kurt says, leaning into the hug. “I just don’t know how.”

“You say words, one after another. Maybe ask him about his job, that seems neutral enough, right? Avoiding him won’t help in this situation.”

Kurt swallows. “I guess I’ll go straight home tomorrow after classes.”

“Yes, you do that. And then text me and tell me everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise? 
> 
> I'm getting close to finishing this story, so it's time to speed up the posting schedule, too! I'll post on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays from now on. 
> 
> This is about two times as long as my usual chapters, so, have a monster of a chapter for Sunday :)

The next day Kurt does go home when his classes are over, without lingering at campus. He has no idea if Blaine will be home already, or if he’s still at work once Kurt gets home. Rachel told him she’s meeting a project partner, so she won’t be home right away. Kurt hopes Blaine will be home and thinks up possible conversation starters all the way until he slides open the loft door. Immediately, every idea he had, and every thought with them, evaporates when he actually sees Blaine.

Blaine is getting out of the bathroom, closing the door at the same time when Kurt slides the loft door shut behind himself. Blaine is wearing a towel around his waist and nothing else, his dark curls wet and dripping on his naked, slightly hairy chest and –

“Hey, um. I didn’t realize you’d be home so early,” Blaine says, and the tips of his ears are red, his eyes huge, his shoulders tense.

Kurt can’t answer. His eyes are glued on Blaine’s chest. He’s a little more toned than last spring, the softness gone. Kurt’s focus is there for another reason, though: there’s something new, and something old, too. First of all, Blaine is wearing the clef pendant Kurt gave him for his birthday. It’s hanging in its leather string in the middle of Blaine’s chest like it belongs there. Right next to it, on Blaine’s left pectoral there’s a tattoo Kurt hasn’t seen before, one that wasn’t there before: an elegant, cursive K, about two inches high. The implications of the tattoo start running wildly in Kurt’s head. But it’s not the only new thing on Blaine.

Blaine’s nipples are pierced. Blaine’s insanely sensitive, tiny nipples are pierced with silver barbells through them, and Kurt can’t think. It must have hurt like hell to get that done.

Blaine crosses his left arm over his chest, holding on to his right shoulder, hiding most of what Kurt is gawking at from sight. The muscles in his arm bulge, and Kurt bites the inside of his cheek to keep from openly drooling over his ex-boyfriend. Almost naked ex-boyfriend. This is not how he planned this to go.

“I’ll… I’ll just go get dressed,” Blaine stutters and grimaces a little.

Before Kurt has a chance to snap out of his trance Blaine walks away, turning to flee behind his drapes, showcasing the tattoo artwork on his back. Kurt has traced his fingers along those black lines on Blaine’s skin, and the thought makes his stomach clench. Blaine disappears between the drapes, leaving Kurt alone, hot, and confused by the loft door.

The incident lasted only seconds, but Kurt’s mind is reeling. Blaine has pierced his nipples since they broke up. Kurt doesn’t understand why anyone would want that. Kurt remembers too well how Blaine had arched against his hands when they removed some clothing together for the first time, when Kurt touched Blaine like that for the first time. Blaine had looked wrecked from just a touch to his nipples. How the hell did he ever manage the pain of piercing them? They do look nice, though, and what would it be like to tug on them, just a little, maybe even with his teeth…

That’s not a safe line of thought, because it makes Kurt vaguely turned on, his blood singing in his veins at the memories and new images both. Still, focusing on Blaine’s _pierced nipples_ is easier than facing the other things; the pendant and the tattoo. Kurt can only guess what the K stands for, but he thinks he has a pretty good idea. _K as in Kurt_ , his traitorous mind whispers, and he silences the voice quickly. Then there’s the pendant. Blaine is still wearing the pendant Kurt got him as a birthday gift, the only present Kurt ever gave Blaine.

Kurt closes his eyes, realizes he’s still standing stupidly by the door, messenger bag hanging from his shoulder. He drops it to the floor and goes to the kitchen just to have something to do with his hands. He gets a carton of orange juice from the fridge, pouring himself a glass, and drinks it in one go. Maybe it’s cold enough to calm him down from the inside.

Blaine emerges back to the living area in gray sweats and a faded black t-shirt with some band’s logo on the chest. His hair is still wet, curling around his temples. Kurt quickly quenches the need to touch before he does something stupid. Before he forgets Blaine isn’t his anymore. Before he forgets how angry he is.

“So, hi,” Kurt says, and manages to keep his voice normal.

“Hi,” Blaine says, not looking at Kurt. He lifts a hand to scratch his neck, a nervous tick. Kurt is making Blaine nervous. Kurt is used to it the other way around – Blaine used to make him _so_ nervous in the best of ways – and this feels odd, to say the least. Everything is off, Kurt has no idea what to say now, and the room is filled with tension.

“We haven’t really talked since you moved in,” Kurt acknowledges quietly. Better get it over and done with.

“I get it,” Blaine says. His voice is calmer than his demeanor of shifty eyes and scuffling feet. “I understand completely. I’m sorry that I’m driving you away from your home. I just didn’t have a choice, this all happened so fast.”

“Yeah, Rachel told me,” Kurt says, not mentioning Elliott at all.

“I know I should have told you myself. I just… I deleted your number a while back, and it felt weird to ask Rachel for it. I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible,” Blaine promises. “I’ve been looking at places, but the rents in this city are insane. So, I’ve been out longer every day, working on lesson plans at the school and such. I’ve been meaning to tell you that you can come home, this is your home more than mine, but I haven’t really seen you.”

Kurt shrugs. He can’t begin to understand all the feelings swirling in his belly. He’s mad, he’s kind of hurt, and yet. And yet. “Yeah, well, I haven’t really been around. I’m sorry for that.”

“No, no. I imposed on you, there’s nothing to apologize for,” Blaine says, lifting his hands up, not accepting Kurt’s genuine words.

It’s so weird to stand so far from each other, grasping at correct words, not looking at each other properly. They used to be so close, both physically and mentally, almost always on the same page. Blaine was always easy to talk to, before. This is what they’ve become, strangers who used to know each other, and Kurt aches. There is some anger still lingering from how they ended, but mostly it just hurts. He wants to go back in time, to where he would have been welcomed into Blaine’s arms. He wants nothing more than the comfort Blaine’s touch can bring, but at the same time the idea of touching Blaine makes him vaguely nauseous.

“I thought if I only come here to sleep and shower, that way I’d be least trouble for you and Rach,” Blaine goes on after an awkward silence. “I don’t want to make this any harder for you.”

“I was kind of hoping that we could talk and hang out sometimes,” Kurt says quietly. “I meant to talk to you about that today.”

Blaine finally looks at him, eyes wide in surprise. “You really mean that?”

Kurt nods, keeping this precious eye contact for the first time in months. Blaine’s eyes are a deep caramel color, and he feels like drowning. “Yes. This should be your home, too, as long as you’re here. I should have been more welcoming. I guess I just needed time.”

“Okay,” Blaine says, a little breathless, a tiny smile on his lips and something like hope shining in his eyes.

“So, you want to watch some tv with me?” Kurt asks him. His heart is racing again, just from the thought of spending time with Blaine. A traitorous heart, one that can’t help but hope for something to happen. Kurt knows he isn’t ready for anything new with Blaine, not yet at least. Still this truce makes him really happy. They have a lot to sort out between them. This is a step to the right direction. Kurt doesn’t know if the end goal is closure and getting over Blaine, or something completely opposite, but he feels good about this.

“Tv sounds nice,” Blaine agrees, smiling that same, tiny smile.

They end up on the couch, Kurt sitting on one end and Blaine in the other, carefully keeping their distance without saying a word about it. The Bachelorette is on, some kind of an afternoon rerun, and Kurt leaves the channel on that. For a moment they just sit there in silence. Kurt wants to say something. Anything. He wants to know how Blaine is doing, how he’s feeling now that he’s back in New York. Last time Blaine was in the city he had been miserable, and Kurt wishes with all his heart that the pain doesn’t come back. Blaine has been through enough.

Where did his anger go?

“I, um. How are you?” Kurt begins clumsily, eyes on the screen and not on Blaine.

“I’m okay, thanks for asking. And you?”

“Busy, but fine,” Kurt says. Is this the end of the conversation? What else can he say? Is it too prodding to ask about Blaine’s job, where it is and what it entails exactly? Blaine doesn’t want to talk too much about himself, he never has been open about some stuff. Is his job one of those things? Back when he lived in Columbus he loved to tell stories of the kids he was tutoring.

Blaine beats Kurt to it, though. “Rachel told me you got a role in a movie.”

“Yeah,” Kurt says, relieved. Blaine does want to talk to him. “It’s a musical, set in a school here in New York. Elliott Gilbert is starring in it. He’s this new, young teacher that comes in to save the day and the school’s musical. It’s pretty cheesy, but I’ve loved working on it. It’s a shame my filming ends this week.”

“That’s quite a break into the industry, congrats,” Blaine says. “And working with your idol, too. That’s great.”

“I only have a small part, I’m not one of the main kids,” Kurt says. “I have some short scenes here and there, and I sing some lines in one of the bigger group numbers. Mostly I’m in the background, part of the group and dancing, but it is a start. I’m so glad I got this chance, and grateful for Elliott for helping me.”

“Starchild is Elliott now, huh?”

“Yeah. We actually got really friendly,” Kurt confesses.

“Oh?” There’s something odd in Blaine’s voice that Kurt quite can’t put his finger on.

“He’s like, the only friend I’ve made since I moved here. There is this guy Chandler that I’m kind of friends with, but I wouldn’t ever get really close to him, you know? We get along but aren’t on the same wavelength. Elliott and I just clicked, and he’s been great at helping me as a very new New Yorker,” Kurt chatters on, stealing glances of Blaine from the corner of his eye.

“That’s nice, that you have someone in the city you can count on.” Blaine keeps staring at the tv, and for some reason that’s disappointing. Kurt is trying to have a conversation!

“It is,” Kurt says.

“I’m happy you’re happy, Kurt. It sounds like you’ve got it all,” Blaine says, smiles, and actually looks at Kurt. His eyes are a little haunted, and there’s something sad in the set of his eyebrows. Kurt kind of wants to wipe that sadness away. That’s a problem, though, it’s none of his business anymore. Blaine pushed him away, so Kurt will have to keep his distance. Somehow, Kurt needs to hold on to the anger he had. It would not be smart to push for anything between them, not with the history they have. Blaine has rejected Kurt twice, and Kurt’s not sure if he could handle a third time. But still… This is _Blaine_.

“I am happy,” Kurt says softly without breaking eye contact.

Blaine is dangerous. They’ve spent less than an hour together, and yet Kurt is already in too deep. The pull towards Blaine is too strong. Maybe talking to him was a bad idea after all. It would be safer for his heart to just go back to avoiding, but it’s too late now. He doesn’t even know what he’s thinking anymore. He just knows that he needs Blaine, he needs a connection, he needs something, anything.

“That’s good. Um, Kurt – about your phone number, would it be okay that I have it again?” Blaine’s eyes are wide, he looks a little like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to ask.

“Of course,” Kurt says, and it’s a little too easy. He should take it slow and not let Blaine get to him. Too late, he guesses. “Give me your phone.”

Blaine digs his phone out of his pocket, unlocks it and hands it to Kurt. Kurt notices how he makes sure their fingers don’t touch. He tries not to feel anything as he pushes in his number and saves it. He gives the phone back, and Blaine takes it with a mumbled thank you.

The loft door slides open before either of them continues the conversation. Rachel steps in, bringing in cool air from the stairwell. She pulls the door shut, turns and notices them on the couch. She tilts her head and her eyes grow wide.

“Hey Blaine, Kurt! I… I didn’t think I’d find you both here.” She walks over and takes off her hat and coat. “Have you two made up finally?”

Kurt doesn’t know what to say. His mind is reeling with the fact that he spent time with Blaine again, and now Rachel seeing them there. He has no idea if Blaine has told her anything, and he doesn’t know what to tell her. Have they made up? Are they okay now? They haven’t talked about anything of substance. There have been no apologies or explanations that are surely needed. Things are far from resolved, but Kurt thinks that wanting to resolve them is a step in the right direction. How to tell Rachel that, though?

“We talked a little,” Blaine says. His calm, reasonable and adult tone is something Kurt remembers very well from several different conversations from last spring. “We decided that we can hang out every once in a while.”

Rachel beams at them. “That’s great! Can you now tell me the full story that’s clearly there?”

Kurt and Blaine share a look. This time Blaine is almost too easy to read. His whole face says no. Kurt agrees.

“There’s nothing to tell, Rachel,” Kurt says, still looking at Blaine and secretly loving how they still can understand each other, even after all these months of pain. Blaine blinks slowly, a nod without moving his head. They can get back to the easy flow they had, Kurt thinks. They just had a little trouble to make it happen at first.

Rachel huffs and slumps down on the couch between them. “Don’t lie to me, Kurt. I’m not blind.”

“Rachel, stop,” Blaine says.

“Kurt told me you had a misunderstanding. Have you sorted that out now? It’s been hell living with you two without actually living with you two, because I’ve barely seen either of you. You would be curious, too,” she says and pokes Blaine in the side with her finger.

Blaine squirms away. “There was… a misunderstanding.” He gives Kurt a look. Apparently that is all Rachel knows, and Blaine hasn’t outed their relationship to her. Kurt is beyond relieved. Though, if Blaine had told her, she wouldn’t have stayed silent about the matter. She would have thrown a fit that would not have gone unnoticed. Rachel can never find out what actually went down between her brother and best friend. Kurt doesn’t want her to.

“Are you two okay now?” Rachel asks again.

“I think we’re on the way to being okay,” Kurt says, just to shut her up.

Blaine looks surprised, but he goes along with it. “Yeah. We’re on the way.”

*

Things get easier after that. Kurt doesn’t feel the need to avoid being home. The tension in the loft has cleared up some, and the weekend isn’t nearly as stifling as the one before. Rachel seems really happy to have Kurt and Blaine in speaking terms. She suggests they all should go have brunch on Sunday, and Kurt agrees readily. It might be playing with fire, but he actually wants to spend time with Blaine now.

Rachel is happy and bubbly as they leave the apartment, Blaine more subdued but smiling, and Kurt follows them, just trying to keep his eyes open. It’s sunny, a rare pretty day between fog and rain and just plain misery. The weather seems to fit Rachel’s mood, and soon Kurt finds himself smiling a little, too, catching on to his friend’s spirit. Rachel chatters on about her classes to Blaine, who nods and offers commentary. Acting class is fun and finally there are people matching Rachel’s passion, and Rachel is happy to be where she is. She has some friends, and a frenemy in a super-talented girl called Harmony, and Blaine laughs as Rachel recounts a story of one of their head-offs in Acting 1. Kurt has heard the story at least three times by now, so he just tunes out, watching Blaine’s reactions instead. He has such an expressive face.

Kurt is content listening to them, following Rachel’s purple hat bobbing in front of him. This feels easy. Deceptively easy, if he’s honest with himself. The tension that’s been there ever since Blaine moved in has evaporated, and it’s nice to be just the three of them, for the first time ever. There must be a catch.

The couple of blocks they walk to the café go by fast, and then Blaine is holding the door open for both Rachel and Kurt. Kurt gives him a smile that Blaine returns, and the look on his face makes Kurt all fluttery inside. It feels so good to have that exciting tingle of attraction in his core, even though it’s Blaine and there shouldn’t be anything there. Kurt should be over him. Still, the feeling is heady, it makes Kurt feel powerful, and if he walks a little taller as they head to the counter to pay, there’s no one to give him hell about it.

They find a table by the big windows. Sun is shining in, making everything cheery and bright. The light blue walls of the café seem happy, too. There are some people in the café, but it’s not overly crowded. The calm noises of conversation fill the air and give a friendly atmosphere. Kurt offers to stay with their stuff while Rachel and Blaine go get food, and then they switch. Kurt piles his plate high and gets a large cup of coffee. He feels good, and he’s suddenly ravenous. Food hasn’t tasted much of anything lately, so this is a welcome change.

“…I see no reason for you to keep this from me,” Blaine is saying as Kurt returns to their table.

Rachel shrugs, biting into a piece of tomato. “You’re my brother. Talking about my love life with you is weird.”

“What are we talking about?” Kurt asks, sitting down and taking a long sip of his coffee.

“I’m trying to get Rachel to talk about her social life here in NY,” Blaine says, giving Kurt a look. “She’s not willing to say much.”

“Come on, Rach. Tell him about the dreamy TA with the ridiculous abs,” Kurt says just to tease Rachel, holding back a laugh.

Rachel turns red. “That’s not fair, Kurt!”

“He was all I heard about before Blaine moved in, and now you’re not saying a word, _that’s_ not fair to me,” Kurt points out.

Rachel sighs. “Fine. There is the TA in my dance class, Brody, and he helped me after Miss July decided to dislike me. And… I really like him, and he keeps helping me when Miss July is an idiot. And he has marvelous abs, as Kurt felt inclined to tell you. Happy now?” Rachel raises her eyebrows at her brother and then puts a huge forkful of salad into her mouth.

Blaine laughs. “Very happy. I want to know what’s going on in your life, Rachel. I need to know if there’s a guy to intimidate.”

Rachel scoffs audibly and swallows her mouthful. “We’re not like that! Also, there’s no way you could ever intimidate Brody. He’s like, half a foot taller than you, and could easily lift you up. Now, Kurt here might have a guy you’d be able to intimidate, though, if you wish to go all big brother on someone.”

Kurt freezes, smile falling off his face. “What are you talking about?” he demands Rachel, his voice rising terribly high. He can’t look at Blaine at all.

“Adam! He saw me in the hallway on Thursday and asked about you. What haven’t you told me?” Rachel asks with a shrewd look. “Are you dating again?”

Kurt stares at the scrambled eggs on his plate. Not now. Not now that Blaine is right there. “There’s nothing to tell, Rachel.”

“Are you dating someone?” Blaine asks. His voice is carefully even, and Kurt still can’t look at him.

“I went out with Adam once, over a month ago. It… didn’t really work out,” Kurt says. It’s the truth, no matter what Rachel tries to insinuate. He has seen Adam around in the hallways, they’ve greeted each other, and Adam has asked about the filming a couple of times. They haven’t been in real contact, though. There was no spark on their date. It was nice, but only nice. It was nothing like with Blaine.

Kurt wants to defend himself. The feeling makes him angry, because Blaine wasn’t there. He was carefully and totally removed from Kurt’s life at the time, so why does Kurt feel so defensive? It’s not like he cheated. They are not together anymore, because Blaine wanted to break up, so Kurt is allowed to see whoever he wants. He can date as much as anyone. He is not attached, he isn’t with Blaine, even though Blaine is here now.

“Didn’t work out?” Rachel rolls her eyes. “He saw me, Kurt. He came to me to specifically ask about you, so I’d say there’s something there. Why didn’t you go out again?”

Kurt does not want to have this conversation. “There wasn’t a connection.”

“I don’t get it,” Rachel goes on, clearly oblivious to the tension Kurt can feel in the air, in Blaine’s silence. “You’ve been here for months. It’s not like there aren’t interesting and interested guys in NYADA and you just don’t date. Blaine, tell him, he should go out there and try. No one is going to come to get him from home, he has to be more active if he ever wants to find someone.”

Kurt shakes his head to himself. He can’t look at Blaine.

“Let Kurt make his own decisions, Rachel. I’m sure he could have anyone he wants, but he just has to want them first,” Blaine says. “These things shouldn’t be forced.”

Finally Kurt looks up and faces Blaine. Blaine is looking at him, his face calm and collected, but there’s that sadness deep in his eyes, the ghost that Kurt feels too keenly. Kurt tries to communicate to him that this whole conversation is stupid. He’s not sure if he succeeds with eye contact only. He doesn’t know why he wants to comfort Blaine in the first place. This brunch was a bad idea, a really bad idea.

“See, there I disagree. If one never goes out, they never can find the love of their life, now can they? Kurt only goes to school and filming and school and filming!” Rachel says.

“That’s my business, Rachel,” Kurt says through gritted teeth. “I have my own life. It didn’t work out with Adam, no matter what he said to you. We’re friendly, but that’s it. And I’m not looking for anyone right now.”

“Rachel, Kurt will find company once he wants it,” Blaine says. His voice is so carefully calm, and Kurt can’t stand it. He kind of wants to scream.

“It’s clear he doesn’t,” Rachel says. “Kurt, I love you, and I say this because I worry about you, but you need to go out. Maybe give Adam another chance? I want you to be happy. Adam is nice, and he clearly cares about you.”

“I don’t want to sound like an ass, but I did not like him enough,” Kurt tells her. “I’m fine, Rachel. Let it go.”

“Oh, Kurt. You don’t see how great you are, do you?” Rachel doesn’t seem to be able to let go. “There’s an attractive, older guy who is into you, and you push him away. It doesn’t have to be love at first sight, you can get to know him and something beautiful could come out of it. You’ve been lonely for so long, because there was no one in Lima, but you’re in New York now. Blaine, tell him!”

“I think we need to talk about this attractive, older guy a little more,” Blaine says. “Apparently he’s someone I could intimidate.” There’s a hint of humor in his voice now, and Kurt doesn’t know if he wants to let out a breath of relief or huff in annoyance.

“He’s a senior, he’s mildly attractive, and British. His name is Adam and we went on one date, but there was no spark on my side,” Kurt recounts, unable to look at Blaine, so he stares at his food instead.

“You’re into older men, then, huh?” Blaine says, and that’s just not fair. Kurt looks at him. There’s a small smirk playing on his lips, it’s clear that he’s teasing, and Kurt can’t help but smile in return even though he’s still annoyed as all hell. Besides, Blaine’s eyes are still haunted.

“Maybe, what if I am?” Kurt gives him a look beneath his lashes, lightly flirting, unable to resist the chance Blaine offered him just like that. He wants to get at Blaine, in whatever little way he can. Blaine knows very well that he used to be the older man Kurt was into. Blaine’s ears turn red and he bites his lip around his smile.

“Ooooh,” Rachel sighs, exaggerated and eyes shining, “he’s into older men!”

Kurt giggles, he can’t help it, because Rachel thinks she’s in on the joke, and Blaine joins him in laughter. They share a secret look, and Rachel notices nothing. Kurt’s anger is gone, just like that, he feels almost giddy with Blaine’s attention. He loves feeling Blaine’s eyes on him again, it tickles in his belly and makes him smile, no matter how mad he wants to be.

*

That night in bed Kurt feels weird. He had fun with Blaine earlier. It was actually nice to have brunch with Rachel and Blaine, all three of them. It’s lovely to be able to talk to Blaine, to exist together. It makes Kurt feel warm and whole and good.

At the same time it makes him mad. Or, it makes him want to be mad. He wants to scream at Blaine, he wants to throw ugly words at him for making him feel this way. They broke up. Blaine broke his heart. Kurt hates that Blaine has this kind of effect on him, he wants to stay mad. Blaine doesn’t deserve the ease they got to at the brunch. He wants Blaine to hurt like Kurt is still hurting. There’s no way they can just laugh and flirt like that. Kurt needs to stay angry. They need to have a serious conversation if they want to be friends – or more, and Kurt hates his brain for coming up with the more.

Kurt doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He wants to live his life like he did before Blaine moved to New York, but at the same time he feels more alive now, with Blaine right there. It’s not that Kurt wasn’t happy in New York. He loves the city, he likes school and he enjoys filming. But Blaine makes Kurt feel like nothing and no one else.

Kurt wants to cry with it all. He hates the power Blaine has over him, he hates his stupid heart for being so wrapped around Blaine still. He hates that he feels so strongly after all these months. And yet, spending time with Blaine is amazing. Kurt likes the way he feels around Blaine. He just doesn’t _want_ to like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please let me know what you think about the story! 
> 
> You can also find me on little-escapist.tumblr.com; feel free to say hi!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, reminder - I am now updating on Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays!
> 
> This chapter is another long one.

Kurt is on his way to Theater History when a voice calls after him.

“Kurt! Hold up!” The accent identifies the person immediately, and Kurt turns around to face Adam striding after him. He looks nice in light colors and a beanie. He is tall and cute, and practically rushing after Kurt. It should make Kurt feel more than it does.

“Hi,” Kurt says, smiling a little, because there is an attraction, there. It’s muted, it’s small compared to what he feels around Blaine still. Kurt wishes it was more than a faint echo. If he was more excited that Adam came after him, he might take Rachel’s advice about putting himself out there. But, he knows what it’s like to truly want someone, what it’s like to be messed up with nerves because he sees someone, and this is just a pale shadow of that. His heart doesn’t miss a beat when he hears Adam’s voice. Not like it does with Blaine.

“How are you? I haven’t seen you around,” Adam says.

Kurt shrugs. He doesn’t know how he is, he is a mess with all these emotions clouding his mind, but Adam doesn’t need to know that. “I’m fine. I’ve been busy with filming, but that’s wrapping up soon.”

“Does that mean you might finally have time for a second date?” Adam asks, looking at Kurt through his lashes, a small flirty smile on his face.

Okay, so Kurt might have been trying to hint that he doesn’t want a second date. They haven’t actually agreed to stop dating. Kurt has been finding excuses, and he has been busy for real. He has been avoiding telling Adam no. It feels wrong, after so long alone in high school, that he now has someone coming on to him and he just wants it to stop. He used to long for college and opportunities like this, the time when he could date handsome people and feel wanted by them. That was before Blaine.

“I’m not sure,” Kurt says, hesitating.

Adam levels him with a look and his smile falls off. “Do you want a second date at all, Kurt?”

Kurt bites his lip and takes a deep breath. “I… I am torn, to be honest.”

“Oh? Care to elaborate?” Adam asks, leaning on the wall.

“I like you. I do. But I used to have someone, back home, and I’m not sure I’m over him yet.” Kurt hates to say it out loud. It seems more real than when it’s just in his head. But he is nowhere near over Blaine, no matter how much he wants to be. It’s about time he confessed it.

Adam nods and looks away before pinning Kurt with his eyes. They are bluish gray, not warm and dark like Blaine’s. “I get it. But Kurt, he’s there, and I’m here. I think this moment counts more than the past, right? We can just get to know each other. Take it slowly.”

It’s clear Adam isn’t about to let this go without presenting his case, and Kurt wishes he felt more excited. There’s an attractive, older guy that really wants to date him even though he hesitates. He should be over the moon. Instead, he’s wary and just wants the conversation to be over. He doesn’t want to explain his past to Adam in its complicated glory.

“I… thanks for the offer. But, the truth is, that he… he just moved to New York. And I need to get my head sorted out. I, right now I just can’t.” It’s awful to turn Adam down. A small part of Kurt is screaming bloody murder, that he is an idiot for letting Blaine ruin this. Like Kurt told Rachel, Adam just isn’t attractive enough, no matter how bad that sounds, and it’s Blaine’s fault Kurt knows the difference. Kurt wants the heat, the butterflies, he wants to be nervous and excited. He wants his heart to start beating faster, he wants the urgent need to touch that he has with Blaine. There’s none of that with Adam. Actually, Kurt doesn’t feel very inclined to touch Adam at all.

Adam sighs. “Okay, I guess you’ve made up your mind.”

“I have,” Kurt says with a heavy heart.

Adam nods, gives him a look, and turns to walk away. Kurt stays right where he is, staring after Adam’s retreating back and wondering if he just made the biggest mistake of his life.

*

A couple of days pass. Kurt doesn’t feel the need to avoid the loft as much, but he still doesn’t see Blaine too often. Their schedules are different, Kurt is finishing filming that week and Blaine has a lot to adapt to, he’s still new in his job and in the city. The tension in the loft has cleared up completely by now, though, and Kurt doesn’t dread going home or waking up anymore. They are far from okay, but they really are on the way there. Kurt just needs to sort out how he feels. Turning Adam down weighs on him. He can’t put everything on hold because Blaine is there, but on the other hand he can’t even think about going out with Adam. He would only end up comparing the two, and he already knows Blaine would win. It wouldn’t be fair to Adam. Kurt resigns to admitting that he’s not emotionally available at the moment, no matter how much it frustrates him.

On a filming break at the set, Kurt finds himself sitting with Elliott. There are some problems with the lighting of a big group scene, and the actors are mostly just hanging around while the crew is fixing it.

“Can I talk to you about something?” Kurt asks Elliott. 

“Sure. Is this about Blaine?” Elliott asks, giving Kurt a look and taking a sip of his water bottle.

“Blaine-adjacent. Am I that transparent?” Kurt sighs. He hates this. It’s like he has a one-track mind these days, and every thought eventually ends up leading to Blaine.

Elliott laughs. “You’ve been preoccupied ever since he moved here, so, yes. But go on, what is it?”

Kurt swallows. “I just turned down a date with a decent guy. I should be over the moon, because someone is into me, and that’s not something I’m too familiar with. It’s what I used to dream about, that kind of attention. Instead I just couldn’t agree to go out with him.”

Elliott nods. “I get it. It’s not like you’re over Blaine, so starting dating now wouldn’t probably have the best outcome. You’re smart to give yourself time.”

“It’s just so hard,” Kurt moans into his hands. “Blaine is everywhere, all the time, I can’t stop thinking about him and I fear I’m ruining my life because I’m not even trying to move on.”

They fall into silence. A faint curse sounds from the set to their right, where the crew is still working with the lighting. Kurt wants to be excited that he’s here, like he was in the beginning. He wants to be star-struck by the filming and by Elliott. But it’s not like that anymore, or at least not all the time. Elliott is a friend he’s talking with while waiting for the set to be ready again, and this is his life now.

“Okay, a question,” Elliott starts, eyes fixed somewhere on the other side of the set.

“Yeah?”

“Is this so hard on you, because you don’t want your past to plague you, reminding you of something painful that you want to leave behind; or is it because you’d actually want him back, but don’t know how to go about it?” Elliott’s tone is careful. He knows he’s treading on thin ice.

Kurt stares at his own hands. He can’t look at Elliott. He can hardly admit this to himself, but it’s the truth. He guesses it’s time he stopped avoiding it.

“I still love him,” he whispers, and oh how the truth hurts. The words feel thick in his mouth. “I don’t want to, but I do. Even after how he left me. I want to know how he’s doing – I want to know what he did over the summer. I want to know why he’s here, in New York, after everything. I want to know if he likes his new job. He hurt me really badly, but I can’t stop loving him. I have no idea if I want him back, because it would create another set of difficulties, but…”

“We’re done, filming starts in five,” a PA informs them over Elliott’s shoulder.

“Yeah, we’re right there, thanks,” Elliott says and gets up from his chair, offering Kurt a hand he doesn’t exactly need. “Kurt – it’s okay. You know that, right? Your feelings are okay. He is your first love. You will figure this out.”

*

Filming for Kurt wraps up on Friday. There’s a party planned, since many of the minor roles finish that same day. There are still some smaller scenes between the main characters to film before they wrap up completely. The film will be out in February.

There’s a bar reserved for them that night, the unofficial wrap party before the actual one, once filming is actually over. Kurt ends up sitting close to Elliott in a booth. He hasn’t really made friends on the set. Those that are there every day have grown close, and Kurt is almost envious of the familiarity between them. The other people in smaller roles seem to come and go, and even though Kurt has grabbed dinner with some of them a couple of times, they are not really his friends. At least not like Elliott is.

They drink, and laugh, and share moments from filming, debating about how it all turns out. The bar turns noisier and noisier the more people drink, and there’s karaoke, too. Kurt has drunk some wine and a large cocktail so far. No one cares that he’s eighteen, and he doesn’t over indulge. He enjoys the sweet drink that gives him a bubbly feeling, just enough to relax around the mostly strange people and laugh freely.

After about an hour people are busier dancing and singing karaoke than sitting around, but Kurt stays at the booth. He doesn’t feel like dancing. He has danced enough at school and on set, it’s like his feet have been aching constantly for the last month or so. And he does enjoy just looking at the others having fun while sitting in his solitude. He isn’t completely alone at the table, there are three others on the other side, but he has drawn into himself and out of the lively conversation. The festive air reaches him, but mostly it makes him yearn for something he can’t name. He feels almost wistful. He misses his high school glee club in a distant sort of way – the familiarity, trust and happiness that comes from having fun with people you actually know. Partying with strangers and acquaintances isn’t really his thing. He’s always too cautious to let go.

Elliott’s voice sounds from the speakers. Someone has coaxed him to sing one of his own songs. Kurt stops with a drink to his lips, listening. He knows these lyrics by heart, of course he does, it’s a Starchild song. Still they hit like he’s hearing them for the first time.

_Steel to my trembling lips,  
How did the night ever get like this?  
One shot and the whiskey goes down, down, down  
Bottom of the bottle hits  
Waking up my mind as I throw a fit  
The breakin' is takin' me down, down, down_

Kurt drinks, the cocktail slightly too sweet in his mouth, not burning nearly enough. He is sitting alone at a party, people around him seem happy and careless. Kurt is anything but. Kurt is lost, lost in his own mind, trying to get away from his thoughts. He’s trying to get away from himself.

_My heart's beating faster, I know what I'm after.  
I've been standing here my whole life,  
Everything I've seen twice, now it's time I realize  
It's spinning back around now, on this road I'm crawling  
Save me cause I'm falling, now I can't seem to breathe right  
Cause I keep runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'  
Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'  
Runnin' from my heart_

Kurt spares a glance towards the stage, where Elliott is singing his heart out. The song feels like it’s mocking him personally. Why couldn’t he choose anything else? He knows about Kurt’s situation, how messed up he is, and this song is like a finger pointing at Kurt. Kurt has been running ever since he left Lima. He’s been trying to escape his own heart, his own feelings, his own pain and love. And now the source of it all is right here, living in his apartment. It’s unfair, it’s wrong, Kurt was doing so well avoiding it all. He finishes his drink and closes his eyes.

The bridge hits, Elliott’s voice soaring in the air.

_Woah ohhhhh,  
I'm coming alive.  
A life that's always been a dream,  
Wake up now and live oh!_

He sounds breathtaking, dragging out the last oh into an unbelievably high note. Kurt tries to ignore the lyrics that hit him where it hurts. He doesn’t want to wake up. He wants to keep running. He never wants to face how broken he actually feels. Broken by Blaine. Someone brings a new round of drinks to the table, and Kurt snatches one. It tastes a little stronger than the previous one, but Kurt doesn’t care. He welcomes the burn.

Kurt is just finishing the drink when Elliott returns to him from the stage, all smiles.

“Hey, movie star, why are you here all by yourself?” Elliott asks, sitting down. He has more make up on tonight that normally: purple eyeshadow and pink lips, closer to his rock star persona than the everyday Elliott. He looks good. He’s tall and tattooed and a little intimidating, a little dangerous, even with the warm smile on his face.

Kurt smiles. “I’m kind of tired.”

“You’re young, how are you tired?” Elliott teases with a smile. “I’m a decade older than you and I’m doing fine!”

“You are not currently living with your ex,” Kurt points out. He has been sleeping better after he and Blaine talked, but the situation is still stressful. At least that’s a good excuse to not dance.

Elliot makes a face and shrugs. “Point taken. How are things going? I haven’t had the time to ask you before.”

“I mean, it’s better than it was. We can face each other now,” Kurt says. “But it’s also unfair and tiring and I hate him a little for being there. I just want him, you know? That never went anywhere even though we broke up, and now he’s there all the time, sleeping just a few feet away from me and using the same shower and there are his products in the bathroom and it’s been so long since I last was with him…”

“Take a breath,” Elliott says and rubs Kurt’s arm.

“It’s so dumb!” Kurt complains, and maybe he has underestimated how much alcohol there was in his drinks. He sounds like he’s drunk. Maybe he is drunk. He also can’t stop the word diarrhea that’s just pouring out of him. “I just… want him. All the time. He’s… he’s the one, at least most of the time I feel like he is. But how could I know that, I’ve never even kissed anyone else. What if it was so nice just because it was the first everything with him, and I don’t know any better? I mean, I should try to date other guys, just to get to compare a little and then decide if he’s the best for me.”

“Whoa, Kurt, hold up – you don’t date anyone just to compare them to your ex, okay? How much have you had to drink?” Elliott asks, his face suddenly concerned. He looks kind of cute with his eyebrows all scrunched up like they are, but he’s still never cute like Blaine. Elliott is the epitome of hot. Blaine is… Blaine is everything. Cute and hot and _pretty_.

“A little. Some wine when we got here, and. Um. Three, three of these,” Kurt tells Elliott, raising his empty cocktail glass. A rather large glass. Maybe the last one was a mistake. But it felt like Kurt needed it at the time.

“That’s like, two too many. You do realize that there’s a lot of alcohol in them, even if you can’t really taste it?”

Kurt leans into Elliott’s shoulder. “I know. In theory. I guess in practice now, too. Oh shit, am I going to have a hangover tomorrow?”

Elliott laughs. “Probably. I should get you home. I can’t let you out into the night in this state alone.”

“I was having fun,” Kurt protests.

“You were sitting at this table, all alone with your drinks, and moping because of Blaine,” Elliott says, and well, he isn’t wrong. He is warm and smells good, though.

“But how can I know he is the one for me, if I haven’t even kissed anyone else?” Kurt insists, because Elliott said Blaine’s name and this is really bothering Kurt right now.

“Let’s talk about it once you’re not drunk,” Elliott suggests and starts to get up from his seat, pulling Kurt along.

Kurt follows him to his feet, and stumbles a little, digging his fingers into Elliott’s bicep as the world around him spins. He didn’t even notice that while he was sitting down. He is drunk. He has never been quite this drunk before. He giggles, and everything is swaying like he’s on a ship at sea. Not like he knows, he’s never been on a ship. Elliott helps him into his coat before pulling on his own, a dark leather coat with artful detailing. It suits him well.

“Okay, mister drunky, let’s get you home,” Elliott sighs and pulls Kurt into his side, wrapping an arm around him.

“You’re so nice,” Kurt tells him as they start their way across the bar. “You’re like, over the top nice. You were my idol when I was a teen and now you’re my friend and there’s no way that can really happen. What is up with you?”

“Technically, you’re still a teen,” Elliott says, waving bye to their co-stars. “And I just happen to like you, so I became your friend. It’s as simple as that.”

“You were my first celebrity crush,” Kurt says. It’s something that’s probably not wise to say, but he wants to tell Elliott. Elliott’s friendship is amazing and bizarre and one of the best things that have ever happened to Kurt.

“I’m flattered,” Elliott says, and he sounds amused.

“Actually, I came out because of you.” Kurt can’t stop his mouth from saying these things.

“Yeah, I gathered as much after you told me about my songs giving you courage,” Elliott says and smiles a little. Kurt stumbles into him as they get out of the bar.

The air outside is cold. Kurt shivers and cuddles closer to Elliott. He is in the city of his dreams, the lights all around him, people walking this way and that even though it’s late. He’s with Elliott Starchild, tall, handsome and tattooed, and he is living the dream.

Except that Blaine is in his apartment. Damn Blaine for ruining everything.

Elliott hails a cab and Kurt almost falls off his feet. Elliott’s strong arms steady him quickly and help him into the cab that pulls over next to them. Kurt leans into the seat and closes his eyes. Sitting down is so much better than standing up. Things are a little more stable that way. The cab smells weird, but Kurt can’t care about that right now. Suddenly he is very, very tired.

“Hey buddy, don’t fall asleep on me. What’s your address?” Elliott asks.

Kurt mumbles his reply that Elliott repeats for the driver, and off they go. The humming of the engine is a pleasant lullaby. Kurt turns his head a little to peek at Elliott beside him. He is in a cab with Elliott Starchild. 15-year-old Kurt would not believe it, but it is actually real. And drunk, 18-year-old Kurt can barely believe it, either, even though he is friends with Elliott.

Elliott looks a lot more alert than Kurt feels. His hair has stayed up in the coif, his make-up is perfect, shimmering little in the lights shining in from outside. Elliott looks good. The world is full of good-looking guys. A lot of them are in New York, and there is an active gay scene. Like, a reasonably attractive guy pursued Kurt at school. So why Kurt can’t let go of Blaine and just try his luck with other people? Someone like Elliott, physically so different from Blaine, but still dangerously attractive. Kurt could date someone bigger than him, someone taller and more muscular. Someone he could really lean into. Someone not as compact as Blaine. Someone wilder, someone who doesn’t only get tattoos he can hide under his clothes.

“Will you kiss me?” Kurt asks.

Elliott turns sharply to stare at him. “Are you for real now? Kurt, no. You’re drunk. You don’t want that, not really.”

Kurt scoffs. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. I just want to know what it’s like to kiss someone other than Blaine, or Karofsky.”

“Who is Karofsky? Have you had a fling I don’t know about?” Elliott looks puzzled.

Oh yeah, Elliott doesn’t know that story. “He was this idiot that bullied me in high school, kissed me and threatened to kill me if I told anyone.”

Elliott just stares at him for a moment, mouth open. “Okay, you need to tell me that story again when you’re in a better state. But Kurt, just, breathe, and try to stay awake. You’ll be so embarrassed tomorrow if you keep talking.”

That means Kurt should shut up. It’s a nice way to say it. Kurt turns away to stare out of his window.

The rest of the drive goes in silence. Elliott pays the driver and helps Kurt out of the car. Kurt might have thought he had sobered up a little during the drive, but as he gets to his feet, everything starts spinning again. He has to grab Elliott’s arm to stay upright. Elliott supports him all the way to the elevator and up to the loft, and Kurt is beyond embarrassed. This is what he did not want.

Rachel and Blaine are both still up, and Kurt realizes that it can’t be that late, yet. Rachel is sitting on the couch, phone in her hand, and Blaine is in the kitchen, closing the fridge as Kurt and Elliott come in. Kurt tries to step away from Elliott and manages somewhat, leaning on the wall next to the sliding door. Blaine hurries over.

“What happened?” He looks worried.

Elliott huffs. “Hello to you too, stranger. Long time no see. Kurt is drunk, so I brought him home.”

“Kurt never gets drunk,” Rachel says, walking to them. Kurt can’t look at Blaine, so he looks at Rachel, and she seems way too worried. Her eyebrows are knitted together, and her mouth is downturned. She is a welcome sight, though. She’s familiar, something from home, and something safe. No matter how much Kurt likes Elliott, they haven’t known each other that long.

“I’m okay.” He is. He drank a little more than he meant to, but he’s not in any trouble or danger. Everything might be tilting to the left a little, and he feels slightly nauseous, but he’s fine. Elliott took him back, and now all he needs is a glass of water and his bed. And maybe a bucket.

“No, you’re not okay,” Blaine says. “You can barely stand.”

“I’m drunk, not dying,” Kurt protests, giving Blaine his best bitch face.

“I thought you were more responsible,” Blaine says before turning to Elliott. “You should know better than get him into this state! He’s only 18, and you know that very well.”

“Hey, he’s not my responsibility, and I did bring him here when I noticed how far gone he is,” Elliott says, lifting his hands up in the air. “I am not your enemy, Blaine, I never have been. I wasn’t then, I’m not now. Take it easy.”

“Let’s get Kurt to bed, okay?” Rachel interrupts them. “There’s no need to fight about this. How do you guys even know each other?”

Kurt wants to protest. He’s not a child, he doesn’t need to be coddled. He’ll be fine on his own. He can walk to his bed, thank you very much. Only if the room stayed a little more stable around him.

“Long story,” Blaine sighs.

“I think I should head back out, since _someone_ still has an issue with me,” Elliott says. “Blaine – I think we should talk sometime. I’ll get your number from Kurt and we’ll figure something out, okay?”

“Fine,” Blaine says, sounding defeated. “Thanks for helping Kurt.”

“He’s my friend, believe it or not. A friend I sometimes worry about, just like you do right now,” Elliott says pointedly, and Kurt does not like this conversation. He doesn’t want Elliott and Blaine to talk to each other. It can only lead to something terrible. Kurt isn’t sure, what, but it can’t be good.

“Okay, point taken,” Blaine nods. “Good night.”

“Good night, Blaine, Rachel. Kurt, text me when you’ve recovered tomorrow.”

“I will,” Kurt tells him. He tries to smile but his face isn’t co-operating. He feels very, very tired and kind of nauseous. Drinking that much to an almost empty stomach was not a good idea. Drinking that much at all was not a good idea.

Elliott disappears to the hallway and slides the door closed, leaving behind a tense silence. Kurt stays right where he is, leaning on the wall, ashamed and tired and kind of sad. He wants to go home, but this is supposed to be his home now. He wants to go somewhere with doors, somewhere with privacy, somewhere without Blaine right there. If this is what it’s like to be an adult, he doesn’t like it. He wants the comfort of something familiar, maybe just sitting with his dad on the couch at home, but he’s in New York with Rachel and Blaine instead. Now he’s suddenly _really_ sad.

“Rachel, get him a glass of water, will you? I’ll help him to bed,” Blaine says, takes charge of the situation, and pulls Kurt’s arm around his shoulder. He smells really good, just like he always used to, and it’s scary how nice it would be to just lean into him, breathe him in. He smells familiar, safe. But he isn’t Kurt’s anymore, and Kurt is not allowed to snuggle into his touch.

So, Kurt tries to fight him. “I don’t want you to touch me.”

“Tough,” Blaine says. “I’m helping you to bed, unless you feel like crawling.”

Kurt shakes his head, but that makes everything spin really unpleasantly, so he lets Blaine lead him towards his part of the loft. Blaine is warm by his side, and Kurt doesn’t know how to feel about anything. He feels too much. He wants Blaine closer, but he wants him away. He wants, and he fears, and he hates, and he misses. The mess of emotion is too much. Without his permission there are tears falling down his face. As Blaine helps him to sit down on his bed, Kurt can’t hold back a sob. Blaine is so nice to him still, even though he made clear he doesn’t want Kurt. All Kurt wants is Blaine, and he can’t have him, not anymore, maybe not ever, but how do you give up something like that?

“Oh, sweetie, what is it?” Blaine asks, a thumb brushing a tear off Kurt’s cheek.

Kurt turns away from the touch he yearns for. “You don’t get to say that. Not after what you did to us. I am not your sweetie anymore.”

“Yeah,” Blaine sighs.

“I wish I was,” Kurt blurts out, and fresh tears fall from his eyes. His nose is starting to get stuffy. He sobs, lifts his hands up to his face and barely holds in a wail. He hasn’t cried like this since the day Blaine dumped him. He didn’t cry like this when he left his dad at the airport, he didn’t cry like this when he found out he would have to meet Blaine again.

“Kurt? What is it?” That’s Rachel.

Kurt can feel Blaine backing away, and Rachel takes his place, pulling Kurt into a hug. She smells all wrong, her arms are too thin, and her hug isn’t the same as Blaine’s would be, but Kurt clings to her anyway. She is safe, unlike Blaine. She doesn’t know what is going on, her nicknames aren’t like knives to the gut, and she is his friend – nothing more, nothing less, nothing complicated and everything secure. Kurt holds on to her shoulders with everything he has and cries until he can’t see, feel or hear anything anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I used is Runnin' by Adam Lambert (who else?)
> 
> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Feel free to come yell at me on tumblr as well; little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	6. Chapter 6

“Why can’t you tell me?”

Kurt wakes up to Rachel’s heated voice. She keeps ranting on about something, that she’s not stupid, and it’s impossible to go back to sleep no matter how much Kurt wants to. There’s a dull thudding in his skull, a vague nausea in his stomach, and a terrible, dry taste in his mouth. He’s afraid to open his eyes. He stays in bed, tries to get back to the blissful oblivion of sleep, but Rachel’s voice is still in his ears, slightly too loud to ignore.

“I mean, Kurt won’t talk to me. You are not talking to me. All I have is that something went down between you, and this is driving me crazy!”

“It’s none of your business, Rachel,” Blaine says, and he sounds annoyed. Really annoyed.

“None of my business! Did you see the same Kurt I saw last night? He has never been one to drink. Never. He might have a glass or two of wine, we might have gotten tipsy a couple of times, but he never does this. He was so far gone, and then he just broke down in tears after I left you two alone. I worry about him. He is my best friend, Blaine, and I deserve to know what is bothering him. I want to help.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Blaine says, and this time his voice is defeated, tired. “I’ll talk to him once he wakes up and gets over the hangover he’ll surely have.”

Kurt is not looking forward to that conversation. Oh, why couldn’t he just sleep a little longer? His head is heavy, even lying on the pillow, and he wants nothing more than to sleep and forget how awful everything is.

“Blaine, tell me.” Rachel’s voice doesn’t leave room for negotiation.

“No. It has nothing to do with you,” Blaine says. Apparently he has learned some things growing up with Rachel, since he doesn’t let her tone affect him. Kurt admires that.

“It has to do with Kurt and you. You’re my brother, he’s my best friend, and you’re both living with me. So, it has to do with me. I have to keep up with the two of you!”

“Rachel, let it go. It was months ago. We need to clear the air a little, and then everything will be okay.”

“I find that hard to believe. You told me you talked already, but apparently nothing really changed! I’ve never seen Kurt like this before, so what can a little more talking do?”

“I’m going to try regardless,” Blaine says.

Kurt has heard enough. He opens his eyes to slits. There’s a little too much light for his liking in the loft. He has to get up, though, and stop the dumb argument that’s at a standstill right outside his curtains. With a deep sigh Kurt sits up on the bed, and the pounding in his head gets ten times worse. The an unpleasant sensation in his stomach gets a little more pressing, too, but he doesn’t feel like throwing up. He forces his legs to move over the side of the bed, and carefully stands up. With a groan he toddles through the curtains and sees Blaine and Rachel, standing in the middle of the living area, face to face. They both turn to look at him as they notice his arrival.

“Hey, good morning! How are you feeling?” Rachel asks.

“Like hell,” Kurt croaks. Apparently his voice is gone. “Thanks for waking me up with your argument.”

Blaine looks sheepish, his eyes on the floor. Rachel huffs and rolls her eyes. “It’s almost noon, Kurt.”

Kurt rolls his eyes and makes his way to the bathroom.

*

A couple of hours later Kurt is feeling marginally better. He’s still tired and cranky, but drinking some water and forcing food down has helped otherwise. He sent Elliott a text that he’s alive and very sorry, and got a thumbs-up in return with a gentle tease that did a lot to ease his mind. His stupid drunk rambling seems to be forgiven.

Coffee tastes like heaven, and he’s on his third cup when Rachel starts pulling on a coat.

“Where are you going?” Blaine asks from the couch. He has a laptop open in front of him, and some papers spread out. Kurt thinks he’s planning a class, but he can’t be sure.

“To see Brody,” Rachel says, checking her purse.

“On a Saturday, you’re going to hang out with a TA?” Blaine eyes Rachel with doubt.

“He’s helping me with choreo for a class,” Rachel shrugs, but her blush gives her away.

“Yeah, you need help several times a week,” Kurt points out from the armchair he has claimed as his for the day.

“Kurt, shut up and nurse your hangover,” Rachel sighs.

Kurt gives Blaine a look, and Blaine’s eyebrows rise slightly. Kurt nods. It’s hardly dancing what Rachel is about to do with Brody.

“You’re not that bad at dancing, Rach,” Blaine says, turning to look more fully at his sister. Only then Kurt realizes how effortless their wordless communication was. The rapport is still there, they understand each other with ease when they let it happen. Kurt wraps both his hands around his mug and burrows into the armchair, hiding his face with the coffee. It hurts, and at the same time it’s so lovely. It’s bittersweet, because it’s nice to be understood so easily, it’s nice to just exist together in a space; at the same time it makes Kurt ache, because he longs to be even closer. There’s just a lot of unsolved stuff between them still.

“You haven’t met Cassandra July,” Rachel says. “She’s a slavedriver, and she hates me. I need all the help I can get. I have to get going or I’ll be late.” With that she’s out of the door, leaving Kurt and Blaine alone.

Kurt takes a sip of his coffee. He tries not to feel awkward, alone in the apartment with Blaine, but it’s creeping in slowly but surely. He wants everything and nothing all at once. He has no idea what to say. So he hides behind the mug and stares into space. He pretty much put his both feet in his mouth last night. How do they get back from that?

“Do I want to know what she’s up to?” Blaine asks, his tone friendly and slightly amused.

“Definitely not,” Kurt says. “They’re not officially dating or anything, but it’s only a matter of time. She keeps clinging to the dancing excuse, but I’m pretty sure her crush isn’t one-sided. They’re definitely not dancing all the time they spend together.”

Blaine sighs. “I guess she’s old enough to make her own decisions.”

“She’s only about six months younger than me, and you let me make my own decisions last spring. You even encouraged it,” Kurt says without thinking. Then he freezes and wishes he could get those words back. “I, I mean, no, but she was with Finn back in Lima, so, like…”

“Kurt,” Blaine interrupts his rambling, “we should talk.”

Kurt clenches his jaw and closes his eyes. No. He is not ready for this conversation, not now, maybe not ever. He is curious about what Blaine wants to say, but no matter how he tries to be over what happened between them, it still hurts.

It seems that the talk is happening, though, because Blaine is closing his laptop and setting it on the coffee table. He leans his elbows on his knees and looks at Kurt. His eyelashes are just as long as Kurt remembers, dark and beautiful. There’s such an earnest look on his face, too. Something about his demeanor, the calm, sensible and caring air about him, reminds Kurt of the many conversations they had. Those talks were pretty often about sex. Blaine’s look used to make Kurt feel accepted, but this time he’s slightly scared. He doesn’t know what’s coming.

“There’s a lot to talk about, Kurt. I… I wanted to do this gradually, get to know you again and feel things out. But after last night I think we need to clear the air here, right now.”

“I was stupid and got drunk. I didn’t even mean to do that. Can’t we just leave it?” Kurt tries.

Blaine tilts his head. “Maybe we could have, if you hadn’t said that you wish you were still mine and broken down in tears.”

Kurt sets his coffee mug down on a side table. “I was drunk. I can’t be held accountable.” His heart is racing in his chest, his breath hitching.

“That’s why we need to talk now that you’re sober. Was that only the booze talking, or do you really feel that way?”

Kurt hates how much this reminds him of the times Blaine told him they need to calm down and breathe, and then with fitting questions he fished out what Kurt might or might not be comfortable with. He can’t answer.

Blaine lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “I guess that question was a little too much. I… You know, the reason I took the job here in New York is that I wanted to get to know you again. I never meant to live with you like this, though. I wanted to come to the city, and try to contact you after, have coffee, that kind of thing. I wanted to do this a lot slower, give you a chance to breathe and think, and come to a conclusion without pressure. I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past months, and I wanted to see, if… If the damage I caused when I left you could be prepared. If we could be friends after all that, or even something more. So. That’s where I’m coming from.”

Kurt can’t even begin to unwrap everything Blaine just said. He feels like he’s going to cry again.

“You still wear the pendant I got you,” Kurt points out faintly. He noticed the leather string peeking from Blaine’s collar, and it’s an easy diversion from everything.

“Yeah. I never took it off,” Blaine tells him, grabbing the leather cord around his neck and lifts the clef pendant from under his baby blue shirt. He stares at it with a tiny smile for a moment before turning back towards Kurt. “You know now where I am, emotionally. I won’t pressure you into anything, and I get that things have changed a lot since we last were together. I want you to think about it, though, if there’s no one else right now. And if you just want me to back off, I will. I’m sure you have a lot to ask, and I will answer your questions, okay? But, just, if you could think about it?”

Kurt nods. He feels a little out of his body, shocked and disbelieving. He never expected to hear something like that from Blaine. Blaine came to New York to get him back, and Kurt knows how big of a deal that is. Blaine doesn’t like New York, he has too many bad memories of the city, and still, here he is. He looks too put-together for a Saturday afternoon at home, hair gelled down along his head and clothes impeccable. He’s the same, yet still very different from the man Kurt fell in love with.

“I’ll just keep working for a while, okay?” Blaine says, reaching for his laptop again. “You can interrupt me if you want to, anytime.”

“Yeah. I have some schoolwork,” Kurt says and leaves. He escapes, because he suddenly has a lot to think about.

Blaine wants Kurt back.

Kurt can’t even begin to name all the emotions that brings out. He is a little mad, that Blaine can just say things like that. He’s filled with impossible hope and giddiness. His heart is racing in his chest, and it feels like he can’t breathe. He just got handed everything he wants, and he’s scared and elated at the same time. He hides in his bed, a songbook with him just in case, and headphones in his ears. He chooses a song he hasn’t been able to listen to for a long while: Starchild’s Time For Miracles.

_It's late at night and I can't sleep  
Missing you just runs too deep  
Oh I can't breathe thinking of your smile  
Every kiss I can't forget_

Blaine wants him back. Blaine came to New York to save their relationship. It means the world to Kurt, to be wanted that much, but at the same time it scares the shit out of him. What if he lets himself fall even deeper, and gets hurt again? It would be devastating. It would break him. But, on the other hand, they could be good together. No one, not even Blaine, can promise him that there’s no pain in their future if they decide to try again. Kurt knows about Blaine’s problems, and he’s pretty sure those problems played a large part in how Blaine just broke up with him without a proper conversation. Blaine’s problems might come bite them again. That alone is enough to make Kurt scared.

Kurt kind of wants to shake Blaine and scream into his face. This is not fair, this is killing him, this is everything he wants. But there is so much to talk about, so much to work out before they can even dream of being a couple again.

_Baby you know that  
Maybe it's time for miracles  
Cause I ain't giving up on love_

On the other hand, Blaine could make Kurt really happy. Kurt has never been happier than when he was with Blaine. There’s a pull between them, something inescapable and real, and Kurt’s soul is crying for him to give in to that pull. He wants to feel Blaine’s touch again, he wants the late night conversations, the easy affection. He simply just wants _Blaine_. There’s no question there. Of course Kurt wants Blaine, he always has. He thinks at least a part of him always will. And now Blaine is there, offering it freely. The temptation is real.

_I just wanna be with you  
Cause living is so hard to do  
When all I know is trapped inside your eyes_

The question is, is it smart? Is there any sense in getting into a relationship after how things ended the last time? Of course, this time around they are in the same city, in the same damn _apartment_ , and a large part of their break-up was living so far from each other, and Kurt moving even further away. The distance ruined them, along with Blaine’s inability to trust. Kurt has also grown enough to understand that there is fault in him, too. He should have told Blaine he wants forever, he should have included Blaine in his plans instead of just rushing forward with all the enthusiasm New York brought up in him. He thinks he only talked about his personal plans, and the stuff they talked about with Rachel, but he never included Blaine. He never thought that far, and he really, really should have. He just wanted forever, but he never said it out loud.

Kurt knows his mind is mostly made up already, after that one short conversation and Blaine opening up the possibility of them. Kurt wants Blaine, too. He wants a relationship. And maybe now, with practically no distance between them at all, it might work out better. It also might not. They have never been in each others’ space this long before – what if their attraction was only there because of the distance? Kurt closes his eyes and turns on his back, biting back a groan.

He knows what he wants, but if he should, that’s another question entirely.

_You know that  
Maybe it's time for miracles  
Cause I ain't giving up on love  
You know that  
Maybe it's time for miracles  
Cause I ain't, I ain't giving up on love  
  
No I ain't giving up on us  
I ain't giving up, no  
Oh I ain't giving up on us_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Time For Miracles by Adam Lambert. 
> 
> Don't hesitate to tell me what you think! You can do it here or on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	7. Chapter 7

Kurt has lunch with Elliott on Tuesday. He has a free period at one, and Elliott’s schedule allows him a couple of hours, so they meet up in a café. It’s convenient to meet up like this, since Thanksgiving is coming up, and Kurt is going to Lima late Wednesday night.

Kurt asks Elliott about filming, but he zones out way too soon, mind caught up in the night before and that tantalizing strip on skin he saw as Blaine stretched his arms as he got up from the couch before going to bed. Kurt feels like he’s allowed to look a little, now, though he needs to be discreet in front of Rachel.

Having time for a conversation with Blaine is more difficult than Kurt could have imagined. It sucks. All he needs is an hour or two alone with Blaine so they can get on the same page about things. Kurt thinks Blaine is just as frustrated with the situation, but they just can’t talk while Rachel is there. She was home all day on Sunday, and Kurt got home after her the night before. She is going to find out at some point, but Kurt would like to actually reach some kind of understanding before they have to take on that storm. They need to talk things out, be on the same page for real instead of this weird place in-between where they smile at each other and sneak glances and maybe even find ways to touch inconspicuously. If they had walls instead of curtains, Kurt would have snuck into Blaine’s room several times by now. As it is, it’s too noticeable and all conversation would be in Rachel’s ears, too. The situation gets on Kurt’s nerves, it ruins his concentration, and he just wants to get the talk over and done with, and then he wants to kiss Blaine for hours.

“You’re not even listening to me,” Elliott notes drily.

Kurt blinks. “I’m sorry. It’s just… Blaine.”

“I figured.” Elliott cocks his head, urging Kurt to go on with his eyes while picking at his salad.

“He wants me back.”

Elliott makes a face. “And how do you feel about that?”

“You sound like a therapist,” Kurt snorts. “I want him, too. We agreed to talk, but we can’t find a moment. Rachel is always there! I’m about to combust. I just… I want to let him know I’m up for it, but I know we need to clear the air and hash out what exactly happened last spring. We can’t just get back together without that conversation.”

“You’ve learned a lesson there,” Elliott points out. “It would be beyond foolish to just jump into bed with him without figuring out what went wrong.”

Kurt sighs. “Exactly. I need to know what he was thinking, I need to apologize for getting swept away in the change, and we have to come clean about where we are now.”

Elliott nods. “You need to make him explain. You were pretty messed up about this before – why are you suddenly so sure of what you want?”

“It’s _Blaine_ , Elliott. You know how I feel about him. I am scared, but I can’t deny myself,” Kurt says. “I want him back, even though it scares me. He makes me feel more than anyone else ever has.”

Elliott smiles. “I’m a little jealous, here.”

“Hey, now,” Kurt laughs, thankful for Elliott joking and making things less heavy. “You know I love you.”

“Do I?” Elliott asks with a huge smile. “Thank you, Kurt, I love you too.”

Okay, maybe there are some things other than Blaine that make his heart skip a beat. Elliott Starchild saying those three words is one of them, and for a moment Kurt can’t even breathe through it. This is Elliott Starchild! He can feel the flush staining his cheeks, and he can’t quite look at Elliott. “You’re lucky I’m not exactly available right now.”

“Or maybe just super unlucky,” Elliott teases, squinting and laughing. It’s clearly just a good-natured joke, but it makes Kurt blush even more anyway.

“Oh, shush, you’re going to make me reconsider soon.”

Elliott shakes his head. “No way, I’m still not kissing you even though you’re sober now.”

Kurt hides his face in his hands. “Please, don’t.” He is still quite mortified about that particular request.

Elliott laughs. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But, seriously speaking, I could never compete with Blaine, and I certainly don’t want to. That guy holds your heart, Kurt, and he’s a little unnerving when he gets mad and jealous. I’ve been on the receiving end of one angry tantrum, and I don’t want to experience that again. He’s like a puppy, full of anger but somehow endearing at the same time. I can’t deal with that.”

“Was it about Sebastian?” Kurt asks. He’s not sure if it’s his place to dig about Blaine’s past, but Elliott started it, and he’s curious. He doesn’t know details about Blaine’s life with Sebastian, just the big picture of how everything went to shit when Sebastian cheated.

“Yeah,” Elliott nods. “Who else? I spent a lot of time with Sebastian when we first met. The guy can be intriguing before his true nature comes out, and, honestly, he isn’t a bad guy. He just doesn’t know how to keep it in his pants. And Blaine wasn’t that far off when he stormed into my apartment to call me out – Sebastian was sleeping around behind his back. I didn’t know about it at the time. It all came up later, after I had convinced Blaine that Sebastian was only with him.”

“Ouch,” Kurt cringes. It’s no wonder Blaine’s attitude towards Elliott fluctuates a lot.

“Ouch indeed. I guess Blaine thought I was in on it, covering Sebastian’s ass or something. I don’t blame Blaine for not reaching out to me later on,” Elliott says. “He was surprisingly amicable at the concert last winter, probably because he didn’t want to make anything awkward since you were there. But yeah, if you’re sure, I say go for it. Let the man tell you what he thought when he let you go.”

“It’s just so difficult to have a conversation with Rachel constantly there, too,” Kurt complains.

“I take it she still doesn’t know about the two of you?” Elliott asks.

“No. And we need to keep it that way. I mean, we’re not together. Yet.” That thought makes Kurt shiver. “If she found out about our history now, she would probably make sure we never get anywhere again.” Kurt munches on his sandwich. He hates the situation with a burning passion. He thought it would be torture to live with Blaine, but now it’s more torture to have Rachel there.

“Why?” Elliott asks. “Why would she keep you apart?”

“She would be mad we hid it from her, and then she probably would get mad about our break up. She would be so insufferable and all up in our business that having anything personal without her right there would be even more impossible than it is now. She would interfere because she would think it might help, but every time she tries to help, it backfires. She does not think things through.”

“It’s your life, Kurt. Yours, and Blaine’s. She shouldn’t have a say,” Elliott says.

“I know. But you don’t know her like I do. She will say whatever she thinks, even it’s not her place. She would make this about her, and I can’t have that,” Kurt sighs.

“That’s a dilemma,” Elliott says and makes a face. Kurt agrees.

*

On Wednesday, when Kurt gets home from campus, Blaine is there and Rachel is nowhere to be seen. Kurt hangs his jacket and smiles at Blaine, who is starting on dinner in the kitchen. Blaine returns the smile, making Kurt feel warm. His hair is gelled down, but not as meticulously as it was when he first came to New York. After a day at work some tiny curls have escaped by his temples. He is wearing a white polo with black jeans and a striped bowtie that’s slightly crooked. He looks great, but Kurt misses the rocker side of him that he hasn’t seen in months and months.

“Hi! How was your day?” Blaine asks, putting down the onion he was about to chop.

“It was fine,” Kurt says, and his heart is full with the domesticity of their exchange. “And yours?”

“The kids were completely hopped up on the fact that it’s Thanksgiving,” Blaine sighs. “Last class was so draining, but luckily it’s over now.”

“It is. You deserve a break,” Kurt tells him and walks over. He can’t help the need to pull Blaine close, so he continues on until he’s in Blaine’s personal space, and spreads his arms a little. The most beautiful smile blooms on Blaine’s face before he’s stepping in, right into Kurt’s arms.

Blaine is so much smaller than he used to be – or, Kurt is bigger. Kurt knows he has grown quite a lot since last spring. He had to sell several pieces of his favorite clothes because the pant legs and sleeves suddenly were too short on him. Still, hugging Blaine brings his growth spurt into a new perspective. Kurt used to be just slightly taller than Blaine, but now Blaine tucks perfectly into the crook of his neck, his nose by the hinge of Kurt’s jaw. He smells familiar and good, his body is a warm, compact press against Kurt’s. It’s a shame to let go, but Kurt steps away. They still need to talk, so he can’t get lost in hugging Blaine. Time is limited. Kurt has packed up, and he’s due to leave for the airport in an hour or so.

“You grew,” Blaine notes, giving Kurt a look from under his lashes. The smile playing on his lips is almost flirtatious.

“I did,” Kurt says. His mind is getting way ahead of things, suddenly filled with images of covering Blaine with his body, or pushing him against a wall, small and perfect under his touch.

“You always were beautiful before, but now you’re just stunning,” Blaine tells him softly before shaking his head and laughing awkwardly. “I’m sorry. I know we’re not there yet.”

“Hey, flattery can get you anywhere,” Kurt jokes breathlessly. He had forgotten what Blaine’s compliments felt like, how nice it is to be appreciated so openly and easily – how genuine Blaine always is.

“We’ll have to revisit that,” Blaine says. “But now we have a moment alone. I think cooking can wait.”

Kurt nods. This is it. This is the moment when he gets Blaine back for real. His heart is fluttering, and he can’t help smiling. Finally. He isn’t sure what to say, but Blaine was always so good at asking the right questions that Kurt isn’t nervous. They’ll get there.

“At last we get to – fuck.” Blaine’s eyes shift somewhere behind Kurt.

“What did you just say?” Rachel’s voice sounds scandalized.

“Fuck!” Blaine exclaims loudly, lifting his hands up and spreading his fingers in an angry version of jazz hands.

Kurt turns to look over his shoulder. Rachel is standing by the door, her eyes wide and mouth slightly open. She must have walked in just as Blaine was talking.

“I…” Rachel looks from her brother to Kurt and back again. “Did you just proposition Kurt? Because that’s like, all kinds of wrong. He’s my best friend!”

Blaine takes a deep breath. “No. I most certainly did not.” He turns back to the counter and grabs the onion he left there. Kurt can practically taste the disappointment. They were so close, but now Rachel is there. Their talk is delayed again, and Kurt is leaving, so they’ll have to hold it until next week.

“What is going on?” Rachel asks, walking over to them and stopping next to Kurt. “I get home and first thing I hear is that cooking can wait so you two can fuck.”

Kurt bites his lip. If he wasn’t as frustrated as he is, he would laugh. It’s surreal. “No, Rach, you got it all wrong.”

“That was an exclamation,” Blaine says from where he is now chopping the onion with angry, staccato movements. “It has _nothing_ to do with actual fucking.”

“Oookay,” Rachel drags out the word. “But what was it about then?”

“Blaine was going to show me some songs he has arranged for the kids,” Kurt ad-libs, since Rachel clearly is looking for an explanation.

Rachel looks like she’s not buying the story, but miraculously she lets it go. “Do you need help with the food, Blaine?” she asks instead.

“You can put the pasta in once the water boils,” Blaine says. He’s still not looking at either of them. The line of his shoulders is tense, and Kurt longs to rub his hands there, help Blaine relax. They really, really need to find a moment alone, and Kurt would have wanted it before Thanksgiving. Now they have to go for a long weekend without seeing each other at all, without any chance to talk. Kurt feels like cursing, too.

*

It’s late when the plane lands. Kurt is tired, but he can’t help smiling when he spots his dad waiting for him. He goes for a hug he has missed in the past months, and truly feels like home. He might love New York, but it’s tiring to be on his own all the time. His dad smells of home and his car, and Kurt almost tears up at the comfort of it. He feels so tired, and it’s as if with his dad there he can finally relax completely.

“Hey, buddy, you okay?” Burt asks as he pulls back.

Kurt blinks away the wetness in his eyes, still holding on to his dad’s arm. “Yeah, yeah. I’ve just missed you, is all.”

“Let’s get you home,” his dad says with a small smile before reaching for Kurt’s luggage.

“Yes, please.” Kurt refuses his dad’s help with his things, though. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Even better now that I get to actually see you. You’ve grown some, huh?”

They trade the goings-on of their lives in the car. Carole is working at lot, Finn is doing alright in college, and Burt has his garage. Not much has changed in Lima in the recent months Kurt has been away. It’s different because of Carole and Finn’s presence in his dad’s life, but still mostly the same. It’s a relief to have something familiar to return to, even though Lima looks more run-down than it did before living in New York. The streets are almost empty since it’s so late, and Kurt can actually see stars in the sky. He looks at the places he’s known all his life, and they look new. It is home, but at the same time, it’s not. He knows the street corners, he knows who lives in some of the houses, but it’s distant now. It’s like looking at a memory, well-worn and cozy, but far away. Not his life anymore.

Home has a scent. Kurt steps in and looks around, and he can smell home. He never could, before. It’s strange. He breathes in and closes his eyes. This is what his home smells like. Worn furniture and that pine scent of the cleaner his dad has used forever. He can’t begin to describe the sensation properly, what it’s like to dissect the smell of his home.

“Do you want to eat something before bed?” Burt asks. He has already moved on to the kitchen, while Kurt still lingers by the front door, just taking in the place he has called home for most of his life.

“No, thanks. I’m exhausted, I just want to sleep.”

“Alright. Carole made the bed ready for you in your room, so feel free to go on.”

Kurt smiles. “Thanks.” He walks up the stairs, and the sound of his feet on them is familiar and new at the same time. He had forgotten what the stairs sound like. And his room, it’s pretty much the same it always was, there’s just less stuff in it. The closet is mostly empty, and the shelves have more room than ever. Kurt walks in, drops his luggage on the floor, and falls into bed. He’s home. This room holds his secrets, his fears, his feelings still. Kurt has no idea where this wistfulness comes from. Maybe it’s the late hour, the darkness, and a long journey behind him.

Oh, how lovely it is to be in a room with walls.

*

It’s fun to see Finn and Carole. It’s lovely to be home, with his new family, and Kurt is happy to see his dad smiling, practically beaming, while they all crowd the kitchen to get the Thanksgiving meal ready. Finn is soon told off, though, because he keeps stealing and eating stuff more than he’s helping. Kurt enjoys following the dynamic between his dad and Carole. In summer they had only dated a few months, but now they have lived together, and there’s a lovely ease between them. They walk around each other easily, they share little, casual touches and smile at each other. Kurt is happy, but he also feels a little twinge in his heart. He wants that, too.

Maybe he might have that, once he and Blaine get a chance to talk about it.

One of Kurt’s aunts comes over with her two-year-old for the meal since her doctor husband is working. The house feels full and warm, food is good and company amicable. They spend hours at the table, catching up and eating and laughing. Kurt can’t remember when they had a Thanksgiving like this. Most years it was just Kurt and his dad. It was quiet and simple, nothing like this. Kurt is really happy his dad paid for his flight home.

*

The next day Carole takes Finn with her to shopping. At first Kurt is a little hurt – he could have gone, too! – but soon it’s clear why she insisted on having Finn along. She wanted to give Kurt time with his dad. They sit in the living room, the tv drones on in the background. They pay no attention to it, though. It’s been too long since they have just been alone, the two of them. There was a time when Kurt didn’t know what to say to his dad, but during high school they suddenly got close. Kurt misses his dad a lot. He silently thanks Carole in his head for this time she has given them.

“You look happy,” Kurt tells his dad. “Carole is good for you.”

“Yeah, she is,” Burt agrees easily with a smile. “Actually, about that, I meant to talk to you about something.”

“Okay?” Kurt lifts his eyebrows.

His dad licks his lips and stares at the wall above the tv. “I think I’m going to ask Carole to marry me. What do you think?”

“Oh wow,” Kurt says. He didn’t expect that. “That’s great, dad!”

“Really? You’re okay with it?” Burt looks at him now, eyes big.

“Of course I am! I just told you that she’s good for you. I’m so happy that you’re happy, dad. You deserve this, and since she clearly loves you, too, why shouldn’t you marry?” Kurt laughs. “I’m so happy for you!” He is. He has seen his dad tired and lonely, even though he was too young to really understand what it must have felt like. He really likes seeing the smile on his dad’s face, and the comfort of a house filled with happiness.

“That’s a relief,” Burt says and joins Kurt in laughter. “I was kind of worried what you might say.”

“Hey, I just want you to be happy, and I am so glad you aren’t all alone here,” Kurt says honestly. “Go for it.”

“I might ask her this weekend, before you boys leave again.”

Kurt claps his hands. “Of course! Yes! I can’t wait to see her face.”

“Good.” Burt takes a deep breath. “Now, what about you? How is life?”

Kurt shrugs, leans back and rests his head on the back of the couch. “Busy, but good.”

“I heard all about the movie, and about school last night, Kurt. But how are you, apart from those things? Is home life alright?”

“You’re asking about Blaine,” Kurt tells his dad. Burt knows how Blaine hurt Kurt, and that’s why he’s so cautious and curious at the same time. It’s also clear he doesn’t know how to approach the subject.

“Yeah, I am.”

“You can ask straight what you mean, dad,” Kurt tells him, staring at the side of his dad’s face. “It’s okay.”

“His name was pretty forbidden around these parts last summer, Kurt. You can’t blame me for being delicate about bringing him up now.” Burt shakes his head.

Kurt sighs. “I know. I… things are better now. Different. We’ve been talking, spending some time together, all three of us.”

“Are you okay with that? I mean, I know it was a shock to have him there all of a sudden,” Burt says. Kurt appreciates the empathy.

“It was. I didn’t cope well, at first. The first two weeks with him living with us were difficult, but things are better now. A lot better.”

“How’s that?”

“He wants me back. That’s why he came to New York in the first place,” Kurt confesses, unable to keep a smile from his face. Now he can’t look at his dad, his face flushing hot and his heart skipping a beat just thinking about it. Blaine wants him back. It still feels like a daydream, Blaine just showing up and telling him he still wants him.

“Well. How do you feel about that?”

“I still love him, dad. So much. Even after what he did last spring, the way he just ended things… Dad, he has been through a lot. And he… he makes me so happy. He makes me feel good about myself, and it’s so easy with him.” Kurt sits up and takes his dad’s hand. “I want him back, too. I want him to explain himself, and I want to hear him out and give us a second chance. Is that stupid?”

Now it’s Burt’s turn to sigh. He scratches the back of his neck with his free hand. “I don’t know, son. He broke something in you.”

“Yes, because he removed himself from my life. I was so happy when I was with him, dad. I felt appreciated, I felt loved. He listened to me and respected me. I felt better about myself when I knew I had him. And I just… I want that again. I’ve missed him like crazy, and now he’s offering himself back to me. Dad – I… I don’t want to screw up.” Kurt lets all the feelings out, the acute longing for Blaine that never quiets. He wants Blaine back with all of his soul. He just needs some insight, because it’s scary.

“I don’t think anyone wants to screw up, Kurt,” his dad says slowly. “Are you after my blessing? What do you want me to say?”

“That I’m not an idiot for still loving him.”

“Kurt, son.” Burt takes a deep breath and looks him in the eye. His face is serious. “Love is strange. You can’t just turn it on and off at will. It comes, sometimes it goes away. But the best thing you can do is to be honest about it. I can see that you really mean it when you say that you love Blaine. Am I happy about it? I’m not sure. He is older than you, and you’ve implied that he hasn’t had the easiest life. Hell, he was taken into custody as a kid, that’s how he ended up with the Berrys, so there’s certainly some unpacking, there. You might be 18, but you’re my baby boy, and I worry about you. I saw what he did to you once, and I never want to see you in that kind of pain again.”

“Dad…”

“Let me finish. Like I said, love is strange. I think you’re very brave, following your heart. I think you need closure, at the least. So, no, you’re not an idiot. The heart wants what the heart wants. He was your first love, and you’re clearly not over him. I can’t tell you what to do, but to me it sounds like you have already decided.” Burt holds eye-contact, and Kurt has rarely seen him this serious about something.

Kurt nods. “Yeah, I have.”

“Why are you bugging your old man about this, then?”

Kurt shrugs. “I guess I just wanted to air my thoughts.”

“I’m glad you did, bud. I hope it goes well this time around, with him.” Burt offers him a smile, and Kurt is relieved.

“It went great the first time around!” Kurt protests. “Until he decided to dump me, that is. He said he didn’t want to become a burden to me, and that I had to be free in New York.”

Burt makes a face. “Well, maybe the man isn’t as awful as I painted him to be.”

“No, he is not. He was scared, and lost, and he decided to ruin us instead of taking a risk. I guess I didn’t make it clear enough that I wanted to have him in my life. He thought it might be easier to break up then and there, and not a few months down the line,” Kurt says, and realizes he has never consciously thought about it before. Still, he knows it, clear as day. A part of him has known it ever since Blaine told him he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. “Or at least that’s how I see it now that I think about it.”

“You two haven’t talked about this?” Burt asks.

Kurt shakes his head. “No. There was never a good moment. He told me he wants me back, and that he wants me to think about things. Then he was at work or I was at school or Rachel was home, and… now I’m here.”

“Kurt – you have to speak to him. You can’t jump into this blindly, no matter how in love you once were.”

“I know. And I will,” Kurt insists. “As soon as there’s a moment.”

“No. You can’t wait for a moment, Kurt. You have to make a moment.”

Kurt nods. He can agree with that. Once he gets to New York, he will make them a moment, take Blaine for coffee or something, to get away from Rachel. He will make it happen, because he wants it.

*

On Saturday night they’re all in the living room, playing Monopoly because Burt insisted on it. It’s fun, uncomplicated, and Kurt loves torturing Finn. It feels like they truly are a family, even though the four of them didn’t even live under the same room for longer than a couple of weeks in the summer. Kurt likes how easily Carole and Finn have slipped into his and his dad’s life.

Then, all of a sudden, Burt is on his knees next to Carole, who’s sitting on the couch contemplating her next move in the game. Kurt and Finn exchange a look, and it’s clear that Finn knows what is coming. How he has kept the secret, Kurt will never know. Finn is such a blabbermouth.

“Carole, dear?” Burt starts.

“Hold on, just a moment, I have to think,” Carole says, staring at the board on the coffee table with a look of intense concentration. “It will be your turn soon enough.”

“Just, look at me, would you?” Burt asks with a slightly exasperated note in his voice.

Kurt sits on his trembling hands. This is so exciting. His heart is racing, he can’t imagine how his dad must feel like. He bites his lip as Carole turns to look at Burt, who offers a tiny box to her. Carole gasps as she sees it, fake money dropping from her hands.

“Carole, I love you. You’ve made my life full and happy in these past months, and this family feels whole. We used to be two families, torn by grief, just, trying to make life work. And we did fine. But I have not been truly happy until I met you. Would you be willing to make this official? Marry me, Carole?”

There are tears in Carole’s eyes. “Of course I’ll marry you,” she says, a huge smile on her face.

Kurt and Finn cheer as their parents kiss.

Kurt is pretty sure this is the best Thanksgiving ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, let me know what you think of the chapter! 
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	8. Chapter 8

Kurt gets back to New York on Sunday afternoon. It was surprisingly hard to leave home, knowing he won’t see his dad in a long while, but on the other hand he’s excited to be back in New York. His mind is clearer now, about Blaine, about everything. He can’t wait talk to Blaine. The flight feels like it lasts an eternity, and the cab ride home is even longer somehow. Finally Kurt is back at the loft, though.

“Hi guys,” he calls out as he slides the door open.

Rachel is reading a magazine, curled into the armchair like a cat. “Hi, Kurt! Did you have a good Thanksgiving?”

“Yeah,” Kurt smiles. “Dad proposed to Carole. They’re getting married!” He has been bursting with the news all day, and now he finally gets to share them.

“Oh wow!” Rachel gets up from the chair and rushes to hug him. They jump together a little. “That’s nice!”

“Yeah, it is. I get to help plan the wedding,” Kurt tells her.

“Um. Was, um, Finn there?” Rachel asks as she pulls away, looking suddenly small.

Kurt knows that breaking up with Finn wasn’t easy for Rachel. It wasn’t easy for either of them. They knew that the distance would make things too difficult, so it was more of a mutual decision than anything else, but it still hurt them both. Kurt doesn’t want to think how parallel his own relationship was, and how it differs from Rachel and Finn’s.

Rachel has moved on, she seems very infatuated with Brody, but Finn must still be a sore spot.

“Yes, he was there. Where else? He lives with them when he’s not in college.”

“I know. I just… did he ask about me?” Rachel stares at Kurt’s chest, not meeting his eyes.

“Not really. But when I told how you’re doing, he was listening intently,” Kurt says, placing a hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “Why do you torture yourself with thoughts of him? You’ve got Brody now.”

Rachel shrugs, her gaze now somewhere close to her toes. “I really like Brody, but it’s not the same, not really.”

“These things take time, Rachel. You were with Finn, off and on, for so long. You’re allowed to hurt still. It’s only been a few months since you broke up with him for good,” Kurt says.

Rachel looks up, holds Kurt’s eyes. “You seem so knowledgeable all of a sudden.”

Kurt flashes a tense smile. Maybe thinking about Blaine has given him a different point of view on things. “Yeah, well. Seemed like the right thing to say. Where is Blaine?”

“Out,” Rachel says. “He went to meet up with a friend, I don’t know.”

Kurt bites the inside of his lip to keep his disappointment from his face. He really, really wanted to see Blaine. There’s nothing he can do about anything, though, since Blaine isn’t home.

“How was your Thanksgiving?” he decides to ask.

“Quiet, but really nice,” Rachel says. “Nothing special.”

*

Just as Kurt has emptied his dirty clothes out of his suitcase, Blaine returns. Kurt can hear the loft door slide open and Rachel calling hi, and his heart rate kicks up, just like that. Blaine is here, and Kurt is more than ready to face him. He takes a couple of deep breaths before he walks out into the living area.

“Blaine!” he greets.

Blaine turns to look at him with a small smile that makes Kurt feel all hot. His hair is gelled down like it always is these days, and he’s wearing a dark red cardigan. “Hey! You’re back.”

Now that Kurt is actively allowing himself the feelings Blaine brings out in him, he’s almost out of breath just because of Blaine’s smile. It was dumb to pretend that he had moved on when it’s clear that he hasn’t. He still loves Blaine so much. There is a lot of unsolved stuff lying between them, but there’s no reason to try and deny it at all. Having Blaine there, smiling at him, means everything.

“Yeah, I am.” It’s a lame answer, but it’s all Kurt can come up with. He stays rooted to the spot, right in front of his curtains, because all he wants is to hug Blaine, but he has to keep himself in check.

“Did you have a good holiday?” Blaine steps a little closer, but keeps his distance. Rachel is right there in the armchair still, watching their interaction over the top of her magazine.

“It was so nice to see dad again,” Kurt says. “And he proposed to Carole!”

“Oh, congratulations,” Blaine says, slightly surprised. “That’s pretty fast.”

“Yeah, I guess. But they fit just right, and I can’t remember seeing dad this happy maybe ever, so I’m just happy for them,” Kurt tells him. It has always been really easy to talk to Blaine, and now that he’s letting himself open up again, it’s like he can’t stop.

“Fast?” Rachel pipes up from the chair. “Why do you say that?”

Blaine turns a little towards her. “Well, they haven’t been together for that long, have they?”

“No, I guess not, but how do you know that?”

“We used to talk, Rachel,” Kurt sighs. He is tired of this conversation. Rachel seems to question everything when it comes to Kurt and Blaine knowing stuff about each other. Kurt fears she’s on to something, but she hasn’t said anything, yet. “I told him back when dad told me that he’s seeing Carole.”

“That’s not fair,” Rachel pouts. “I mean, Finn told me, you wouldn’t have even started talking about it if I hadn’t asked. I thought I was your best friend.”

“Actually, that was Mercedes,” Kurt says just to jab at her a little.

“Hey!” Rachel protests.

Blaine laughs. “Children, children. Let’s calm down, okay? We all like each other, here, there’s no need to play tug of war over who was best.”

Rachel rolls her eyes exaggeratedly. “You have been spending way too much time with middle schoolers lately. Don’t bring that attitude home, you’re not that much older than us!”

Blaine shakes his head. “Keep that in mind later, sis,” he mumbles, but Kurt makes all the words out clearly.

“What do you think about watching a movie?” Rachel asks then.

“Sure,” Kurt answers. He’s tired, but not ready to sleep just yet. “Any ideas?”

“Not really, but Blaine is not deciding, or we end up falling asleep to some superhero movie with a million explosions,” Rachel says.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Blaine protests.

“We are not into explosions, not even for all the eye candy in those movies,” Rachel tells her brother.

Rachel chooses Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She nestles happily in the armchair with the remote control, so Kurt and Blaine take the couch. Kurt leaves enough space between them not to seem suspicious, but doesn’t sit to the opposite end from Blaine, either. He longs to be closer. He knows they have to talk before anything can happen, but right now the opportunity is almost too good to ignore. Blaine gives him a little knowing glance and a tiny smile as Rachel starts the movie. It makes Kurt feel warm all over.

Kurt starts nodding off before they’re even halfway through the movie. Traveling always tires him out. At some point he’s too tired to care anymore, or even think too much. He just leans over and places his cheek on Blaine’s firm shoulder. The familiar smell of Blaine hits him like a lightning, bringing back feelings of love, acceptance and security. Kurt wants to wrap himself up in it. He nuzzles a little closer, keeping his eyes closed. He doesn’t want to see if Rachel notices, he wants to appear asleep. He is tired, his body heavy and sluggish, but his mind still awake.

His heart rate kicks up a little when he feels Blaine’s arm snake around him between the couch cushions and his back. It’s low enough to not be too noticeable, Kurt thinks. He settles into Blaine’s arm, happier than he can remember being in months as Blaine softly cups his hip. Kurt is warm, safe, and cared for. It’s everything. He still hears the dialogue and the music from the tv, he can feel Blaine alive under his cheek, but he’s more than halfway to asleep, in a comfortable bubble where everything is nice. He can hear Blaine breathing, his shoulder is nice and warm under Kurt’s cheek, and his scent is everything Kurt has longed for all these months. Blaine’s thumb sweeps over his hip in a slow, almost subconscious motion. It’s perfect in every way.

“Hey – what?” Kurt can hear Rachel say.

“Sh, sh,” Blaine hushes quietly. “He’s asleep, leave him be.”

“He looks so comfortable there. Are you guys better now?” Rachel asks, keeping her voice down.

Kurt can feel Blaine nodding. “Yeah. You don’t have to stress about us being weird again, I promise.”

“Finally,” Rachel sighs. “I just wish you’d tell me what’s going on.”

“In time, Rachel.”

Oh. Kurt guesses Blaine is right. There will be a time, sooner rather than later, when they have to come clean to Rachel. He is not looking forward to that conversation. Right now he doesn’t have to worry about that, since he and Blaine have to have a serious heart to heart first.

Right now he’s slowly falling asleep on Blaine’s shoulder, and it’s the best place he could possibly be.

*

“Hey guys! Is there any food?” Rachel starts as she comes home from a late class.

“There’s some casserole by the stove,” Kurt tells her without lifting his head from his essay that he just opened five minutes ago. “There should be enough for you. I’m not sure how warm it is, though.”

“I can always warm it up a little. Thank you, you’re a lifesaver!” Rachel walks right into the kitchen and gets herself a plate.

“Actually, that was me,” Blaine offers from the armchair where he’s sitting with his phone. “I let Kurt immerse himself in all things theater and cooked.”

Kurt has to smile at that. He looks away from the laptop screen and gives Blaine a look. Blaine smiles back, and the smile makes Kurt all warm inside. Their gazes lock, and it’s just all kinds of wonderful, this promise they have now. Kurt can’t wait to have that conversation so they can move on together. They might have been able to start it today, but Kurt just got home about an hour ago bag full of homework, and Blaine cooked, and once they started eating they agreed that Rachel was coming home too soon. She took longer than they expected, though.

Kurt knows that he will be together with Blaine again. The thought makes him so happy that there’s no doubt it’s the right choice. They are supposed to be together. Blaine’s warm eyes seem to echo the thought back to Kurt – they are so close again.

It also was really nice of Blaine to offer to cook for them since Kurt is drowning in schoolwork. He is almost done with his essay, it just needs the finishing touches, but he still has a monologue to memorize by Wednesday.

“Look at you two, all friendly,” Rachel comments.

Kurt can feel his blush rising up his neck. Rachel noticed the way he looked at Blaine just now. There’s no way she missed it, not after that comment.

Rachel puts her food in the microwave before turning to look at Kurt. Kurt’s not sure what her face is all about, a little mischievous and a little embarrassed, and determined at the same time. There’s clearly something she wants to say. Kurt sighs. He’s too good for her. He shuts his laptop – he can finish later – and goes over to her. “What is it?”

“I’m feeling a little rebellious.” She tilts her head and squints at him. “Would you join me?”

“In what?” Kurt feels instantly wary.

“I want a tattoo. But I don’t want to go alone,” Rachel tells him, voice low, eyes flicking to Blaine and back.

Kurt stares. He never thought Rachel to be the type. Rachel keeps waxing poetic about being a clean canvas for roles, so it’s a surprise she’d want to have anything on her skin forever. “Why don’t you ask Blaine? I mean, he knows more about those than I do.”

Three things happen simultaneously: the microwave pings that Rachel’s food is heated, Rachel’s eyes almost bug out of her head and Blaine, clearly hearing his name, asks “What do I know about?”

Kurt knows he’s messed up. If Rachel’s expression is anything to go by, she had no idea how decorated her brother’s skin is. It’s too late to take the words back, though.

“Tattoos,” Rachel says before turning away to get her food.

Kurt throws Blaine an apologetic look. Blaine just shakes his head and looks amused, so maybe Kurt didn’t do that much harm.

“What do you know about tattoos, brother mine?” Rachel continues, giving Blaine a sharp look. “And why do I hear this from Kurt, of all people?”

“I have a few tattoos of my own,” Blaine admits calmly.

“A few? Not, like, one? _A few_?” Rachel’s voice is getting shrill. She bangs the drawer holding utensils closed and storms to her brother, a fork in hand but plate forgotten on the counter. “I would have understood one, but… Who are you, and what have you done to my brother?”

“Rachel, take it easy.” Kurt envies Blaine’s ability to just stay cool in front of Rachel’s antics. How does he not get riled up? Kurt always gets irritated around her when she turns insane.

“How many is a few?” Rachel asks. She looks like a scolding mother. Kurt wants to disappear, he wants to rewind the conversation to spare them all form her drama.

“Um. I’m not sure exactly,” Blaine says, eyes lifting towards the ceiling like he’s trying to remember something. He’s mentally counting the pictures on his skin, Kurt thinks.

“What?” Rachel screeches.

“Hold on. It’ll be easier to show you.” Blaine gets up from the chair and turns his back to Rachel. He undoes the buttons of his black dress shirt and shrugs it off. His undershirt shows some of the ink on the back of his shoulders, and Rachel gasps as she sees it. Kurt bites his lip, staying back. Blaine undressing is a sight that affects him immediately, and he needs to stay put or everything will unravel right here and now. Then Blaine pulls off his undershirt, presenting his back to Rachel in all of its inked glory.

“Oh my god, Blaine,” Rachel breathes, a hand by her mouth, as she takes in the pictures Kurt knows very well. There’s the tree, there are the birds, the musical notes and the words of encouragement. _After a hurricane comes a rainbow_ , Katy Perry lyrics running down Blaine’s spine.

“Yeah,” Blaine shrugs, straining his neck to check Rachel’s reaction. He won’t turn around. He doesn’t want Rachel to see the K on his chest, Kurt is sure of it. Rachel is shocked, but Kurt knows that the one single letter would make her ask questions. All these others can be just pretty pictures or meaningful words, but the significance of that one letter… Kurt doesn’t know the story behind that one, it’s new and he’s only seen it once. He has an idea what it might be for, but he doesn’t want to assume. He wants Blaine to tell him when it’s time.

“That’s, like, a lot. Why would you do this?” Rachel keeps staring at the pictures, hand hovering over like she’s tempted to touch but not quite sure if she’s allowed.

“I like them. I like knowing they are there, even though they are under my clothes all the time,” Blaine says easily.

“How… how did I not know?” Rachel whispers. Then she freezes, her shoulders turn tense. “How does Kurt know? I haven’t seen you shirtless in years and Kurt has?”

“I forgot to be modest that weekend he came over for the concert,” Blaine says, and for a second Kurt thinks oh, what a convincing lie. Then he remembers it’s the truth. Blaine had gone to the kitchen shirtless in the morning, and Kurt had woken up in time to see him like that. The first time he saw Blaine’s tattoos was an accident, even though the several times after were not.

“I thought you knew, Rachel,” Kurt decides to say. “And I’m sorry, Blaine, I didn’t realize they were a secret.”

Blaine pulls the undershirt back on. “Don’t worry. It’s not that I’m keeping them a secret, the subject just hasn’t come up before now. So, what brought this on?”

“Rachel wants one,” Kurt says, and Rachel shakes her head, looking alarmed. “What? He isn’t going to judge you, you saw him!”

“You want one?” Blaine asks, turning back around as he buttons up his shirt again. “If you need a recommendation for a good tattoo artist, I can help you with that. I’m not sure if they are still in the city, but at least one of them is bound to be, even though it’s been years.”

Rachel looks overwhelmed and like she has no idea how to act. She’s clearly thrown by the revelation that her brother has multiple tattoos, and her wish to rebel isn’t quite as drastic anymore. “Umm, I am not sure if…”

“A tattoo is not a decision to make lightly,” Blaine says. “You should do some research about the artists, because there are a lot of different styles. And once you book an appointment, it might take months before the actual tattooing happens. There’s a long waiting list for some of the artists. Of course, if you’ve chosen a picture already, or if you’re happy with a pre-drawn picture the artist has in store, we could just google when the next walk-in day is at the shops that I’m familiar with.”

Kurt bites the inside of his cheek to keep his face even. Rachel looks like she’s completely lost, bombarded by this new information. Blaine has a small smile on his face like he knows exactly what he’s doing to her by just piling up everything he knows. He’s putting her in her place gently and in a way that she can’t really be mad about. She wanted to do something dramatic, something forbidden, and suddenly her brother is right there, all tattooed and taking the drama and taboo out of it. Kurt knows that Rachel just wanted it now, with all the secrecy and rush, just for the experience and story of it. He’s pretty sure Blaine has come to the same conclusion, and Blaine isn’t letting her get away with it.

“Rachel? You do know that a tattoo should not be a rushed decision? It’s going to be there forever. Of course there are those places that agree to anything, but there are a lot of legit places that are clean and safe, that take your safety and wishes very seriously. I am not letting you just walk into a shady looking place with a half-formed idea.”

“I… okay,” Rachel says quietly. “I… I’ll have to think.”

“Yes, please do. And if you still want one, I can help you with getting there,” Blaine says, always so helpful. He sends Kurt a wicked smile, though, so he knows exactly how well he took the wind out of Rachel’s sails. Kurt bites his lips together and shakes his head. That was entirely too amusing.

Also, Kurt can’t take this anymore. He wants Blaine too much, and his dad told him to make a moment.

“What time does your day end tomorrow?” Kurt asks Blaine, ignoring the look Rachel is giving her brother. It might be stupid, it might be too much, but Kurt needs to make this happen. He needs the moment.

“My classes end at three, so technically that is when I can leave the school. Why?” Blaine looks him in the eye, and Kurt wants to get lost in his gaze.

“I was thinking, um, coffee?” Suddenly asking Blaine this right now, right here, in front of Rachel, doesn’t seem like a good idea. Kurt wanted it out of his system, but he can feel the heat crawling up his neck. He doesn’t want to deal with Rachel’s comments. The words are out now, though.

“Sure,” Blaine agrees easily. “I’ll come by the NYADA campus around four and we can go from there?”

Kurt smiles and nods. “That should work.”

“What is this? Am I not invited?” Rachel asks.

“I know for a fact that you’re going straight to work from school,” Kurt points out. “Blaine and I can go for a coffee if we want to.”

It’s sometimes pure torture to live with her and Blaine both, and keep up with them both. But when Blaine gives Kurt a tiny, secret smile, Kurt can’t help but think that it’s worth it. Blaine is more than worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no talk yet - but it will happen in the next chapter! In the meanwhile, please tell me what you think of this one. 
> 
> I'm also on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and leaving comments and kudos! They mean the world to me <3 
> 
> I have edited this chapter to death. I'm still not sure if it's everything I want it to be. I hope it isn't a disappointment. 
> 
> But here we go - Kurt and Blaine finally talk.

It’s a windy, gray and chilly day. Blaine is waiting for Kurt when Kurt walks out of the main entrance of NYADA. Blaine looks good, as always: he has on a black coat and a red scarf, and his hair is slightly wavy by his temples. He hasn’t gelled it to death today. The chill has bitten his cheeks red. He smiles as he sees Kurt, a wide smile that scrunches his eyes into tiny slits. Kurt returns the smile and offers his arm to Blaine, trying to ignore how loudly his heart is beating in his ears. He feels scared, and excited, and impatient to finally get Blaine alone.

“Hi.”

“Hello,” Blaine answers playfully and curls his arm around Kurt’s. It feels natural and easy even though it’s something they’ve never done before. They didn’t exactly go out a lot when they were together, and this kind of affection in open air just wasn’t there. They were always behind closed doors, hiding from the world. Being in the open air with Blaine like this, even with everything unsolved between them, is amazing.

“So, is there a coffee shop nearby that we could go to?” Blaine asks as they start walking.

“Yeah. I don’t want to go to the campus coffee shop, but there’s a Starbucks about a block away,” Kurt says.

“Great. How was your day?”

Kurt chats about his classes and teachers and classmates, some idle small talk that he actually wants to have. He feels a little out of his body. He’s actually here, walking down a New York street arm in arm with Blaine, telling him about his day at NYADA. No one bats an eye at them, people minding their own business as they rush along. It’s everything he wanted, all he could dream of, six months ago.

He’s pretty sure it’s everything he wants now.

They step inside the Starbucks, and the heat feels divine on Kurt’s face after the coolness outside. The place isn’t luckily too full, there are still some tables free for them to choose. The bright lights and the chatter of people provide the perfect atmosphere, but Kurt’s nerves are suddenly kicking up. This is it. There’s no going back after this conversation, no matter what “back” might mean. This is a turning point. Kurt is pretty sure they want the same thing, but there is a lot to talk about, a lot he doesn’t know. They need to deal with the break up and what caused it.

“Go get us a table, coffee’s on me,” Blaine says. “What do you want?”

“A grande non-fat mocha, please,” Kurt says with a small smile and lets go of Blaine’s arm. It feels all too domestic, but so right. Kurt wants this. He feels like he might vibrate out of his skin.

Blaine gives him a look. “Calm down. It’s going to be okay, you hear me? This is good.”

It’s both exhilarating and annoying how well Blaine reads him. “Okay.”

“Yes.” Blaine looks into his eyes, and it’s almost too intense for a second, before they separate. Kurt picks a table close to the back of the place and takes off his coat. He sits down, back towards a wall, and turns to look at Blaine. There are only two people in the line before him, so the wait shouldn’t be too long.

Blaine looks fine. He looks calm and collected. Kurt knows for a fact that coming to New York, being in New York, is not an easy feat for Blaine. There are too many ghosts of his past in the city. There’s no telling that based on Blaine’s demeanor here, though. Kurt really wants to know what Blaine is thinking. Is New York still as scary to him as it was last spring? Are the ghosts more quiet now? Blaine steps out to the counter to order, and his polite smile seems genuinely happy. He chats a little with the curly-haired barista, making her laugh, and Kurt feels warm just looking at him, so effortlessly kind and charming.

Kurt doesn’t look away once Blaine gets the drinks and turns to find him. He doesn’t feel shy or embarrassed to be caught looking. Blaine locks eyes with him, and there’s softness to his expression as he starts towards their table. Kurt remembers suddenly how nervous he was, once, to sit opposite of Blaine in a restaurant in Columbus. It feels like an eternity ago. He tried to keep his emotions in check, he tried to play it cool in front of his friend’s brother, the most attractive person ever. And now they are here, in New York, and Kurt doesn’t feel so shy anymore. He’s not scared of being caught appreciating Blaine.

“Here you go,” Blaine says, putting Kurt’s drink down in front of him.

“Thanks.”

Blaine sits down, and an awkward silence falls on them. Kurt doesn’t know what to say, where to start. He has wanted to have this conversation for over a week, and now he has no words. He holds on to the coffee cup and bites his lip.

“So. Finally we’re here,” Blaine starts, leaning his chin on his hand and carefully keeping his eyes on his coffee. “I told you that I would like to try again, and told you to think about that.”

Kurt nods. “Yeah. And I did. There’s just… there’s a lot to think and talk about, Blaine.” He doesn’t want to rush, even though a part of him just wants to grab Blaine’s face and kiss him. He meets Blaine’s eyes over their coffees, serious and a little scared. He wants this so much, but there are complications.

“You’re right. There is. I know the break up wasn’t exactly amicable, or fair.” Blaine meets Kurt’s gaze head on, unflinching, seemingly not nervous at all. “Is that a point where I should start?”

Blaine always was good at creating conversation, making it sensible and asking the right questions to help Kurt along. Kurt loves him for it. He nods and takes a sip of his coffee. “Yeah, I think so.”

“I’m not sure how much of my monologue that day you remember,” Blaine begins. “Some of it is self-explanatory, but there’s also a lot I didn’t say.”

“I remember most of it,” Kurt tells him, and it’s an effort to keep his voice calm. Remembering brings a bitter taste to his mouth. Blaine wanted to set him free to live his best life. Blaine didn’t want to be an obstacle or a burden, he wanted Kurt to start over completely. He didn’t think Kurt had included him in his dream future.

“I still stand by my choice to break up then, you know,” Blaine says slowly. “I think it was the right thing to do, but how I did it… I’m not exactly proud of just springing it on you like that. You were right when you asked why I get to decide for the both of us. It should have been a conversation, even though my mind was made up.”

“Careful there,” Kurt says, because he feels a little angry just by hearing Blaine say that. He tries to keep it in check, because they are here to solve things between them, not to fight over things long past. Even though Kurt has mostly forgiven Blaine, he thinks that the break up will always hurt to think about in detail.

Blaine lifts his hands up in surrender. “I know. It’s not easy to hear, but please, let me tell you this? I just want to be honest and get it all out. You can hate me all you want after.”

_I won’t hate you_ , Kurt thinks, but doesn’t say. He might be a little mad, but hating Blaine doesn’t really seem like a plausible option in any scenario. He motions Blaine to go on, impatient. He wants to get done with the pain already.

“I really, truly wanted to give you space to find your way in New York. And, we have to be honest here – New York was already taking you away from me. It had been taking you away for a while before you got your letter from NYADA. And Kurt, I lived here once before. Moving to a new place, starting a new chapter of your life, it tends to sweep you along. Old things, people and places take a backseat for all the new, shiny and exciting things. And that’s how people work, there’s nothing wrong with that. It happened to me, too. I am not laying blame here, not in the slightest. But, at that point, I was a mess, thinking too much about everything. I didn’t want to be left behind, I didn’t want to be forgotten. I was certain that’s what would have happened, if we had stayed in a relationship.”

“You can’t know that,” Kurt interrupts quietly. He tries not to get too riled up, but it isn’t easy. It takes effort to not shout his pain into Blaine’s face. “No one knows how it might have gone! As I told you back then, too, you can’t predict the future. But I guess I can see your point.”

“Thank you,” Blaine says, and his eyes are so big, so deep. “I’m sorry, so sincerely sorry, for hurting you.”

Kurt swallows a sip of coffee. He thinks he forgave a long time ago, though it still hurts. “You’re forgiven, Blaine.”

Blaine gives him a smile that fades fast. “You were everything, Kurt. I had a life, I had some friends, and I was wrapping up my degree, but you were more important than any of that. I felt so much for you. I still do. Kurt, I… it was a rough place to be. I wanted, more than anything, for you to get accepted to NYADA, because that was what you deserved. I was honestly so happy and proud of you when you called me and told me you got in. But at the same time I knew that I would have to let you go. At first I thought I’d still come to Lima for June like we had agreed. I thought I could have you for a little longer. But then, as I was driving to Lima that evening, I realized it wouldn’t be fair to drag it any longer. It wouldn’t be fair to get even more tangled in each other only to break it off. Not to either of us. Breaking up would only be harder if I let us go on.”

“It was hard enough as it was,” Kurt says. He knows he should tell Blaine how broken he was all summer, how broken he still feels sometimes, but he refrains. “But Blaine – I told you that you were self-sabotaging. That’s what it was. You were sure you would be hurt, you were sure the future had nothing good on hold for us, so you took it into your own hands to ruin it. You had control over it, but did it make anything any easier? You didn’t know what might happen. We might have made it. But you were sure I would forget you, and you ended it for us before we had a chance to even try. I just wish you would have a little more faith in me.” That’s one of the sorest spots. Blaine did not trust Kurt enough to keep their relationship going through all the change. “I think I would have deserved _that_.”

“You’re right. I took control of things before they got out of hand on their own. I did not have the guts to see if it might turn out differently. It was not very smart of me, I do know that.” Blaine swallows heavily, his Adam’s apple bopping. “But, Kurt, I still think it was the right call. I needed some space to heal and work on my issues, and you needed space to begin this new, wonderful life in a new place. We both needed to be on our own for a while.”

“Yet here you are, saying you want me back,” Kurt snorts. “It’s kind of contradictory.” It hurts to hear that Blaine doesn’t regret dumping him. It was one of the most painful moments of Kurt’s life, and Kurt has had his fair share of painful moments.

“I’m better now. I’ve been seeing a therapist again. I was in a really bad place over the summer, but I got up and decided to make the effort. So, I’ve been working through things a lot, and even though I’m not nowhere near done with my problems, I would like a do-over,” Blaine says, easy as that, seemingly not affected by Kurt’s snippy tone. “I think I can be better this time, and want to do this right, if you give me the chance. We fell in head-first last spring. We moved so fast, and it was your first relationship.”

“My only relationship,” Kurt mutters.

Blaine nods. “Yeah, your only relationship. We did talk on the phone, and I feel like we were friends, too, but… you have to admit, every time we were physically in the same space, we just fell into sex. We made out, we got off, and it was so intense every time. It wasn’t just sex, being with you was so much more than that, but I think we could have tried to have some quality time without getting so physical.”

“I guess we did jump pretty fast into the deep end physically,” Kurt says. Blaine has a point. They were all over each other whenever they managed to be in the same place after they got together. But he had wanted it. At first the idea of intimacy had been scary, but with Blaine’s gentle guidance Kurt had gained confidence, and it all had felt right. It had been really good, and Kurt would not change his firsts for anything in the world. It was perfect then, and he treasures those memories they made together. “But we talked on the phone a lot, Blaine. We weren’t maybe face to face, but we talked _a lot_. We were friends, we knew each other. It wasn’t only sex.”

“I feel like even though I know you, I don’t _know_ you,” Blaine says. “Because with you, I want to know everything. I want to know your coffee order. I want to know your favorite restaurants, movies and clothing stores. I want to know what you’re like when you’re tired and cranky, I want to know what you’re like when you are content, how you are with your friends. I want to see you watching your favorite movies, eat your favorite foods; I want to know what you don’t like. I want your fears and insecurities, your anger and forgiveness. And that’s why I came here. That’s why I took the chance on the job and moved to New York. I am not done with you, Kurt Hummel.”

Blaine eyes are dark and intent on Kurt, his face serious and intense, and Kurt feels like he can’t breathe. To be wanted on that scale is overwhelming. He used to be so overwhelmed by the reality of being wanted, period, that it made him a little dizzy. And that it was Blaine, Rachel’s super attractive older brother, who wanted him, was just out of this world. But Kurt has to admit that maybe it was partly too good to be true, that it was a little bit of a fantasy where they both indulged themselves. This conversation, this honesty, feels raw in a different way. Blaine’s full focus is on him and everything he is, on what they could be together. Kurt thought he knew love before, but this is on another level.

“Wow.” It’s the only thing he can say.

Blaine pulls back a little, laughs at himself. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to scare you off. I just… Kurt, you captivate me. You move me. But I want to do things right. Last time… you were so young, we were consumed by our lust, and both our lives were at a turning point at the same time with you graduating high school and me finishing college. So, what I’m looking for here is a fresh start. My feelings for you never went anywhere. There isn’t a time I don’t want you, there hasn’t been and there will not be. If you’re willing to give us a chance, I’d be the happiest man in New York. We have to take it slow, get to know each other. We need to be more inclusive of each other with the hard topics. This will not work if we just fall to bed right here, right now. But I don’t want to force you, either. You can tell me to back off, and I will, no questions asked, no more pleading like I’m doing right now.”

“As if I have a choice, when it comes to you,” Kurt says, only half-thinking about the words. He has always wanted Blaine, too. He thinks he always will.

Blaine shakes his head and looks alarmed. “No, Kurt, no. You always have a choice. You do not have to accept what I’m offering. I know I come on a little strong, here, but you can always tell me no and I will deal. Always, no matter what it’s about.”

Kurt’s mind is whirling. It’s a lot. He knows he still loves Blaine. He does want him back. And most of what Blaine says makes sense. They need to take it slow, and they need to be open to each other. He looks at Blaine and reaches for his hand on the table. Blaine’s fingers are trembling, just slightly, not quite enough to see but well enough to feel. Kurt wants him. It scares him a little how much, but his heart is sure. There’s no way he’s going to ever be happy unless he gives Blaine, and them, another chance. There is stuff to resolve, still. He is still a little hurt. Now they have time, though, and they know the line is open for conversation. Kurt thinks that it would be foolish to not give Blaine a chance.

“Yes,” Kurt says, simple as that.

“Yes?” Blaine asks, like he’s unsure what Kurt means by it.

“Yes, I want you. I want us to try this.” Kurt can’t stop the smile from spreading on his face as he looks at Blaine. “I can’t believe we’re doing this again.”

Blaine smiles, too, and it takes over his whole being. His teeth are white and slightly uneven, his eyes turn to slits, and he looks like a weight has been lifted. He’s basically shining with it. He turns his hand and clasps his fingers around Kurt’s. “Thank you.” The words come out slightly choked.

_I love you_ , Kurt wants to say, but they just decided on slow, so he smiles and taps Blaine’s fingers with his thumb instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! I know they didn't resolve everything, yet, but they will talk more later on.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr, too: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	10. Chapter 10

They settle into a domestic everyday. There’s a lot of schoolwork for Kurt and Rachel since Christmas break is rapidly approaching, and Blaine has his end of the year rush with work, but they’ve found a rhythm that works for all of them. They take turns cooking and sometimes ordering in. They help each other with lines and song selections and dance moves. They watch movies and sing together in the short interludes they have. Kurt and Blaine don’t really have any time alone, but Kurt’s still happy with how everything is going. They are slowly getting to know each other again, and because Rachel is there, they don’t stray into anything physical. Maybe it’s for the best. They can have conversations with Rachel right there, too. It can’t get too detailed, but they can share things, all three of them, and it’s a learning process all the way around.

Still, it’s frustrating, too. Kurt hasn’t kissed Blaine since before the break up, and he longs to be kissed, held, and touched again after months alone. Before Blaine, the need for physical closeness was abstract. Now that Kurt knows what it’s like to be kissed and held close, now that he has had those very hands on his naked skin, he yearns for it desperately. Kurt longs for actual rooms with doors, because the curtains hide nothing noise-wise. If they had walls and doors, there might be a chance for a little something to help with the impossible frustration he’s facing every day. They find small, inconspicuous ways to touch, but it’s nowhere near enough. There’s friendly poking, there are hip checks in the kitchen as they pass each other, there’s a hand on a shoulder or arm to make a point in conversation. There are also heated looks behind Rachel’s back, secret smiles and eye contact that affirms they are here, they are not over.

Kurt texts Elliott about the development between him and Blaine, and gets an enthusiastic reply. At least someone is in their corner. Kurt also composes a long email to Mercedes about it, and she writes a novel’s worth back. Mostly she’s supportive, and promises to be there for Kurt no matter what happens. She’s doing well in LA, she has a roommate and she’s writing music while waiting tables in a Wendy’s. It’s not glamorous, but she seems to be hopeful and in good spirits about her music. Kurt wishes her the best of luck. It’s a shame that their lives lead them to opposite coasts. He really misses his best friend, he wants to gossip with her about the people he knows and has met. He wants to talk about Blaine, and most of all, he wants Mercedes to meet Elliott. Maybe one day, they say to each other in their messages.

Kurt learns about the kids Blaine teaches, he learns that Blaine is a morning person, he knows Blaine rarely sings in the shower but he hums as he cooks. Blaine goes to the gym on Mondays and Wednesdays, and on Thursdays he leads a music club for the kids at his school. He seems to settle into the new life with very little trouble, but Kurt keeps an eye on him just in case. He knows New York was scary to Blaine, but that fear is either gone or well hidden now. Blaine is using less and less gel, letting his hair curl around his ears as it grows longer, and Kurt loves it. Blaine often cooks breakfast for all of them. He catches quickly on to Kurt’s moods, and knows when to ask and when to avoid. He’s extremely helpful in arranging the songs Kurt wants to sing at school, and his feedback is constructive and positive at the same time. After a couple of weeks Kurt barely remembers what it was like to live without Blaine, and he thinks he never wants to find out. He could deal without smelling Blaine’s products in the bathroom in the morning, though. He’s gotten off in the bathroom after walking there and getting enveloped in Blaine’s smell way too many times. He would also be a lot less frustrated if he never saw Blaine late at night, ruffled and tired and soft.

Of course, there are disagreements as well. Rachel keeps hogging the bathroom in the evenings, and Blaine gets into a fight with her over that. Blaine is immaculate with table manners, and he seems a little pained when Kurt and Rachel both just pig away sometimes. They bicker over whose turn it is to take the trash out, and Rachel tries to squiggle off bathroom cleaning duty until Kurt and Blaine gang up on her. Blaine has a habit of leaving books and sheet music everywhere, on the couch, on the floor, on the tables. Kurt gets home one afternoon when Rachel is working in the diner she waitresses at. He’s had a long day, and as he goes to sit down on the couch, it’s practically covered in notebooks and sheet music. It all just boils over in seconds.

“Blaine!” Kurt shouts. He knows Blaine is home, his bag is by the door.

“Oh, hey, Kurt, I didn’t hear you,” Blaine says as he steps out from his drapes. He’s still in work clothes, so he hasn’t been home that long. Kurt knows that Blaine prefers to dress down once he gets home. “What is it?”

“Care to pick up after yourself?” Kurt asks, not bothering to hold back the bite in his tone as he gestures towards the couch.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine says, rushing over. “I was going to look through those…”

“Yeah, right.”

That makes Blaine stop on his tracks. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m tired. All I want is to sit down on that couch, but it’s covered in your papers. You were nowhere in sight. Are you sure you were _just_ going to look through them, that you need them all _right now_?”

“Hey, calm down. No need to get mad, I’ll take care of them,” Blaine says, and he is too calm for Kurt.

Kurt wants to scream. Suddenly all his frustration bubbles up, everything he has kept close and hidden. “Sure, you’ll take care of them. _You_ always take care of everything.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Blaine looks at him. His eyes narrow, his mouth turns down.

Kurt huffs and rolls his eyes. “As if you don’t know.”

Blaine shakes his head. “I really don’t. Feel free to enlighten me any moment now.”

Kurt sighs. “Of course you don’t understand. You never do.” It’s not exactly true, but it feels like he has to say it anyway.

“What…” Blaine looks confused. He’s on the defensive after Kurt’s biting tone, but there is genuine confusion in his eyes. “This is not about the sheet music, is it?”

“You march into my life as if you have any right to do that, you just come here to mess everything up, leaving your goddamned sheet music all over the apartment. This is my apartment, and I like to keep things neat,” Kurt tells him, voice rising, turning shriller than he would like. He thinks he’s not talking about the sheet music anymore, not really.

“Oh.” Understanding dawns on Blaine’s face.

“You decide everything, and you don’t ask how I might feel about it. And I’m sick of it. I should have a say.”

“Kurt, you do have say – “

“Do I?” Kurt asks, stepping in Blaine’s personal space, practically hovering over him, staring down into his eyes. “Do I have a say? You just told me it’s over, without listening to what I might want to say. You just appeared to my apartment, without a word, without even asking if that was okay with me. You just walk in and imagine that makes everything okay, like it actually is fine to just start over because you want it – because you decided it was the right time. When did I ever get to decide anything?”

Blaine looks away. He looks so small. “I thought I gave you a chance to tell me no when I told you how I felt, and asked you to think about it. I didn’t mean to force you into anything.” His voice trembles.

“It didn’t feel like much of a choice,” Kurt says, deflating a little, but not giving up. “It wasn’t fair. It isn’t fair how you just dumped me because you thought it was for the best, and it isn’t fair of you to just move in months after breaking my heart. I was miserable, Blaine. I could barely eat in the first few days. I closed myself off, and even though amazing things happened to me, I didn’t really feel anything, because you broke me. I can’t even begin to understand what made you think I wanted you still.”

“What? Kurt, I told you, I did not want to move in with you like this. I wanted to do this slower originally, and of course I don’t have any right to assume how you might feel.”

Kurt swallows. “I feel like I don’t have any say in anything regarding the two of us.”

“No, that’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? I didn’t have a say over the break up. I hardly had any say in getting back together.”

Blaine takes a deep breath, but doesn’t say anything. He stares at the floor somewhere to the left. Kurt stays put, waiting. He has time. There still isn’t room to sit on the couch properly. Let Blaine think, if he never thought of this before. Kurt never really thought of it, either. It all just blew up, and he’s a little shocked how wronged he feels all of a sudden.

“I didn’t realize,” Blaine says then, breaking the silence. “I… I told you what the break up was about. And now… I just wanted to put it all out there, what I want, how I feel. I… I should have asked about you instead of just telling you my side of things. So, Kurt, what do you want? How do you feel?” He lifts his eyes to look at Kurt, and for a moment, Kurt is speechless.

What does he feel like? “I, I feel betrayed, I guess.”

Blaine’s face twists, he closes his eyes and clearly tries to fight to keep his mouth neutral. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You did jerk me around, Blaine,” Kurt says, tone gentler now. “I feel like this all has happened so fast. I crushed on you. I made a move, and you rejected me and then wanted me anyway. I got you, until you broke it off and broke my heart. And now you’re here, starting it all up again. Telling me you want me after all of this. It… It’s kind of unfair.”

Blaine laughs. It’s one of those odd sounds that are nowhere near happy – something bitter, a sorry excuse of what a laugh should be like. “Oh wow. About time you called me out, that’s terrible. Why didn’t you just tell me to go fuck myself when I told you I wanted you back? I’m… I’m so sorry, Kurt. That’s pretty much all I can say right now.”

“Blaine, all this doesn’t mean I don’t want you. I still do, I never stopped,” Kurt says, and he means that as well as everything he said before. He is hurt, he does feel betrayed and like Blaine is calling all the shots, but he still wants Blaine. He still loves Blaine.

“Honestly, I do not see why. You have no reason to. I have been acting awfully towards you without even realizing it.”

“You’re still one of the best people I know. You didn’t mean to hurt me, I know that,” Kurt tells him.

“Do you need me to give you space?” Blaine asks. “It’s not like I have anywhere else to go, really, but I guess I could sleep in my office.”

“No, Blaine, that’s not necessary.” Now that Kurt got it out of his system, he feels a lot calmer. “This is your home, too, and I’m pretty sure I don’t know how to be without you anymore.”

Blaine nods. “Thank you. Kurt… I asked you to think about it before, but. If you feel like you have no say in this, something went wrong. Don’t… don’t let this become something you regret. Just… take a while and let me know what you want to do? I guess I need to think some things through, as well.”

“Yeah, that sounds reasonable. But please, clean up those papers so I can sit down.”

Blaine’s mouth twitches, not quite a smile, but on its way there. “Of course.”

Things are not resolved yet, Kurt thinks. But at least he told Blaine what he really feels this time. Breathing is a little easier. And he does want Blaine still. Things aren’t as black and white as they might sometimes seem, and he does love Blaine despite how he has acted. The good things outweigh the bad ones in Kurt’s mind. Blaine thought he can call the shots because he’s older, but now Kurt has told him that he wants a say, too. Kurt knows Blaine will think about it and act accordingly in the future – his boyfriend isn’t that dumb.

*

School is getting busier as Christmas break approaches. There are papers to turn in, a short play to write, a song to prepare for a recital and a scene to rehearse with a partner. The exams may be different from Math and English, but they certainly need a lot of preparing for. They all disappear into their own little bubbles. Kurt meets up with his scene partner, he tries to smooth up his final project for a screenwriting class, and reserves a rehearsal room at NYADA to prepare his song. He hardly goes home for more than sleeping and showering, preferring to study at campus instead. He doesn’t really have time for another conversation with Blaine, either. He wants to let Blaine free from the obvious doubt he is in, but there hasn’t been a moment. Kurt can see Blaine is apprehensive after their fight. He wants to reassure him, because he has no doubts in his mind.

“I feel like I never see either you anymore,” Blaine sighs one night when Kurt and Rachel get to the loft. They came together from campus, both having stayed behind. Rachel looks like she’s about to drop where she is standing after rehearsing her dancing for hours that afternoon and evening, and Kurt’s eyes are about to cross from all the screen staring he’s done. Blaine walks over to them from the living room, and he looks worried.

“We’re almost to exam season, Blaine,” Rachel whines, dropping her bag on the floor. “I am exhausted.”

“There’s food in the fridge for you. I cooked earlier, but you took so long that it was better to let it cool completely,” Blaine offers quietly.

“You’re a true lifesaver,” Kurt tells him, ever so grateful, and goes to grab a plate. He really means those words, too. Blaine has been there, with his own work, and still cooking and tidying up the loft, keeping the normality running while Rachel and Kurt are piled under a ton of schoolwork.

“I don’t even have the energy to eat,” Rachel complains from her spot by the door. She sounds all of three years old, though she doesn’t look like a toddler. She’s wearing heels and all black, her eyeliner is slightly smudged and she can barely keep her eyes open. Kurt would feel for her, but he’s almost as tired.

“Come on, Rach,” Blaine says gently and steers her to the kitchen by her shoulders. “You have to eat something before you go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning if you’re not ravenous.”

“Blaaaine,” Rachel draws out.

“Raaacheeel,” Blaine teases with a small smile. “I’ll warm up a plate for you. All you have to do is sit down and put a fork into your mouth. I might have helped feed you once, but I’m not doing it again.”

Kurt looks at them, his heart aching a little. Blaine is so caring, so gentle with his sister. Kurt knows that Rachel has a lot of affection for her brother, but she takes a lot for granted. She did call him a loser once, not so long ago. How doesn’t she see how great Blaine is? Blaine is everything. He’s so kind and caring, looking after them all during the exam season. Kurt has no idea how he and Rachel would have made it alone, just the two of them, tired and cranky. Blaine is a good addition to their household, no matter how apprehensive Kurt was at the start. They are good, the three of them, at least as long as Rachel doesn’t know how involved Kurt and Blaine are. It is a problem, keeping her in the dark, Kurt thinks as he heats up his food. It’s a vegetable gratin with lots of cheese, and it smells wonderful as the microwave heats it up.

After Kurt’s food is ready, Blaine pops in Rachel’s. Rachel is sitting at the table, leaning into her hands, half-asleep. Kurt sits on the chair opposite of her. He’s too tired to try and engage her in conversation, so he just starts with his food.

The meal is a short, quiet affair. Blaine catches on to how tired they are and promises to look after their dishes if they want to go to sleep. Rachel thanks him profusely and disappears into the bathroom. Kurt brings his plate over to Blaine.

“You’re too good for us,” he says quietly and leans on the counter. It’s time he left Blaine off the hook about the two of them.

“Nonsense,” Blaine says, filling the sink with water. “You need a little help right now. Getting through the exams is the most important thing, and I want to do what I can.”

“Still,” Kurt argues gently. “Rachel is awful to you half of the time, and I haven’t always treated you very well since you moved in, either. We don’t deserve this.”

Blaine turns to face him fully, a serious look in his eyes. “Kurt, there’s no deserving. Rachel is my sister, no matter how annoying she can be, and I’m used to her antics. And you had a perfectly good reason to be upset when I moved here. It’s not like I’ve treated you well all the time, either. I carry no ill will. Besides, things are better now.”

“Good night!” Rachel calls from the other side of the loft, and disappears behind her curtain.

Kurt just stares into Blaine’s warm caramel eyes. The man in front of him is everything that’s good in the world. No matter what happened in their past, they are on good terms now, they get each other, and living together has proved that they can be together. Last spring was not a fluke or an infatuation. It might have been a lot in a relatively short amount of time, but it was right. Blaine just fits, and Kurt isn’t angry anymore.

“You should go wash up, too, so you can go to sleep,” Blaine says. “You have an early morning tomorrow.”

Kurt nods and swallows. He pushes himself away from the counter and goes to the bathroom, leaving Blaine with the dishes and feeling vaguely guilty for it. Blaine shouldn’t be doing all the housework, but if he feels guilty about how he treated Kurt and wants to make amends like this, Kurt isn’t complaining. Actually, he is eternally grateful. He needs to do something for Blaine after the exams are over, or after New Year’s at latest. He needs to take Blaine out – they should go on a proper date, just the two of them, so they can hold hands and kiss. Kurt wants to tell Blaine how important it is that they are here, now, together and mostly on the same page again. He wants them to really get into their relationship. He’s done taking it slow, he has been thinking things through enough. He wants to touch Blaine and be touched back. He misses the physical closeness they used to have.

He brushes his teeth and does a quick version of his moisturizing routine. He stares at his image in the mirror, and thinks. He needs to tell Blaine he wants the relationship. He knows it was right to call Blaine out on his behavior, but on the other hand, a couple of days with it hanging between them have been heavy. Blaine has been quieter, more subdued.

He and Blaine need to come clean to Rachel, too, the sooner the better. Only Christmas is coming fast, and they are all going to Lima for the holidays. Kurt and Rachel are going as soon as the exams are over, and Blaine will follow once he’s done with work. Kurt is looking forward to seeing his dad, but he almost wishes he was staying in New York with Blaine instead. Seeing him in Lima will be difficult, because there’s all the family stuff. Kurt will miss having Blaine close.

Blaine is drying the last plate when Kurt emerges from the bathroom. He looks so domestic there in the kitchen. He’s wearing a dark red sweater and black skinny jeans. His hair is not gelled to his skull, there’s a slight wave to it. Kurt feels warm with affection. He wants this to be his forever. Living with Blaine, doing chores together, looking after each other. Kurt walks up behind Blaine, wrapping an arm around his waist, the other around his shoulders. Blaine is so compact and proportionate in Kurt’s arms. Kurt nuzzles into the side of his face, breathing in his familiar scent.

“Hi,” Blaine says, sounding surprised and pleased, leaning into Kurt’s chest a little.

“I love you,” Kurt tells him, simple as that, and feels Blaine shiver.

“Kurt…” Blaine leans to the left to look Kurt in the eye, his mouth slightly open, eyes full of wonder. “Oh, my sweet.”

Kurt has to kiss him. He feels so in love he aches. It’s like coming home, his lips meeting Blaine’s. Blaine smells good and familiar, the pet name warms Kurt to his core, and the soft touch of their lips is so perfect Kurt feels like crying. His heart is full, and even through the exhaustion of studying all day he feels happier than in ages. Blaine turns in his arms, lifting a hand to cup his cheek, and that touch feels so familiar. Kurt has missed it for months. He parts his lips, seeking entrance to Blaine’s mouth, and Blaine grants it right away. He tastes of chocolate that he must have been snacking on before Kurt and Rachel got home.

Blaine breaks the kiss and presses his forehead to Kurt’s. “Oh, Kurt. I, I love you. So much.”

Kurt’s heart soars and he pulls Blaine a little tighter to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> And, again, you can also find me on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	11. Chapter 11

Kurt’s birthday falls on a Saturday. It’s right before the end of the year exams, so Kurt has mostly overlooked it. He doesn’t feel like partying when he’s so busy with school and trying to keep his hands off Blaine. He has to get through the exam season filled with recitals and scenes and mostly super intimidating teacher judging them. He has no time to think about a birthday.

When he’s woken up with a song, he’s surprised. Rachel jumps into bed with him once the song is done, laughing and hugging him.

“Happy 19th birthday, Kurt!”

“Happy birthday,” Blaine echoes. He’s carrying a tray with scrambled eggs, pancakes and a big piece of cheesecake.

“Oh,” Kurt breathes, looking from Rachel to Blaine and back again. “You guys – you totally surprised me.”

Rachel giggles. “It was the plan, you dummy! It’s not like I forgot your birthday. I had to come up with something, and Blaine suggested breakfast in bed for starters.”

Kurt gives Blaine a look. “Thank you.” How is he going to keep doing this? They only said their I love yous a couple of days ago, and they haven’t had a moment alone since. Rachel is right there, and Kurt can’t just fling himself into Blaine’s arms. He fights to keep from pouting at the thought.

“Hey, it is your birthday,” Blaine just says and gives over the tray. Rachel helps Kurt arrange it on the bed, almost more eager than Kurt. Kurt can’t help laughing a little. He feels overwhelmed and half-asleep still, but he’s pretty sure this is one of the best wake ups of his life.

“We’re having a party later tonight,” Rachel tells him. “Elliott is coming over, and some other people as well.”

“You didn’t have to, Rachel! The breakfast would have been fine, we still have to rehearse our songs for the recital,” Kurt protests as he begins eating.

“You can take a day off,” Blaine says. He’s still standing next to the bed. “You’ve been working on your assignments so much. You are both going to kill your recital, I’ve heard you. So, today you’re not allowed to worry about school.”

“Sit down, your hovering makes me nervous,” Kurt says, patting the bed. His heart kicks up a notch, he is basically inviting Blaine to his bed with Rachel right there. He guesses it doesn’t count since Rachel is in the bed already, but it still feels odd. It feels like it’s too personal. Kurt wants Blaine there, though, instead of standing awkwardly by the bed.

Blaine laughs and sits down by Kurt’s feet. He gives Kurt a look, so fond and full of love, and Kurt smiles at him without caring about Rachel. Kurt wishes she wasn’t there, that maybe Brody would call her right now, and he’d get a moment alone with Blaine. No such luck, though. Rachel stays right where she is, chattering on about the plans for the day. Kurt listens and eats, but his eyes stray to Blaine’s smiling face more often than not.

Kurt and Blaine haven’t kissed after the one a couple of night ago, or done anything else romantic or sexual. They did agree on slow, and they want to keep the relationship to themselves for a little while more, so they eliminate the risk of Rachel walking in on them. A heated look here and there does not count, nor does the amount of times Kurt has jerked off in his bed or in the shower, thinking about Blaine’s hands and mouth. But now, Blaine is sitting in Kurt’s bed on his birthday, and Kurt wants nothing more than to pull him in and ravage him. He is done with slow. Who does that serve, anyway? All he wants is Blaine – Blaine’s touch, Blaine’s kiss, Blaine’s everything.

Blaine lights a candle on the piece of cheesecake, and Kurt has no problem choosing his wish as he blows it out.

*

At six, people start arriving. There’s Chandler, with a huge bouquet of flowers in an array of colors and slightly pink cheeks. Kurt accepts a hug but keeps it short and goes to put the flowers into a vase. Chandler still seems to think he might have a chance, even though it’s been months.

Elliott arrives next with Dani in tow. Kurt has met her once or twice, but they’re not really friends yet. It’s still nice to have her there. Kurt gets a gift card to a small fashion boutique he and Elliott had passed once on their way to a coffee house from the set, and he has to hold in a happy squeal. Elliott laughs at his delighted face, and gets an extra hug for that one. Chandler almost drops his jaw on the floor as Kurt introduces him to Elliott, and Kurt knows that Elliott just got himself company for the party. Chandler is unlikely to leave his side any time soon.

Then there’s Sam Evans, Blaine’s friend who took them to the after party of Elliott’s concert in Columbus. When Kurt gives Blaine a confused look, Blaine pulls him over to tell him that Sam had wanted to come once Blaine mentioned the party to him in passing. Kurt thinks it’s nice that Blaine has a friend to talk to, and welcomes Sam with a smile. It’s not like the place will be overly crowded with one extra person.

There’s a knock on the door about half an hour after Sam arrived. Kurt thought that everyone who was coming had come, since he doesn’t know that many people in New York. He goes to open the door, and is greeted with a bunch of pink roses.

“Hello, Kurt,” an accent greets from behind the flowers, and okay, Kurt is going to murder Rachel.

“Hi, Adam,” Kurt says. He tries to summon a little enthusiasm, but he is terrified. He does not want Adam in his home at all, much less now that Blaine is there. He doesn’t think there’s going to be a confrontation, but Kurt just doesn’t want to deal with them all on his birthday. Chandler has been flirting, as usual, and Kurt knows that Blaine has given him some long looks. Chandler is harmless, though. Adam, on the other hand… however short, there’s history there. Apparently, even though Kurt told him he’s not interested, Adam isn’t giving up. Kurt is pretty sure Rachel has given Adam a lot of false hope by inviting him to the party.

“Aren’t you going to ask me in?” Adam asks with gentle humor, and Kurt has no choice but to step aside and let him into the loft.

“Everyone, this is Adam,” Kurt tells the group hanging out in the living area. Chandler seems completely star struck by Elliott, who is telling some story on the couch, Rachel and Dani following along. Sam and Blaine are standing together a little to the side, sipping on their drinks. The conversations stop at Kurt’s words. Rachel gets up and hurries over to greet Adam.

“So nice that you could make it! Did you find the place fine?” she asks.

“Yes, it wasn’t too difficult,” Adam smiles, still holding the roses.

Kurt doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to say. Everything was fun this far, he was enjoying himself, but now he’s out of his depth.

“The roses are beautiful,” Rachel says and gives Kurt a pointed look.

“Yes, thank you,” Kurt says with a tight smile and takes the roses from Adam. “Rachel, can you help me get a vase for these?”

Rachel follows him to the kitchen, and Adam goes to the living area to meet the others. Kurt closes his eyes for a second, trying to rein in his anger. He practically shoves the roses to Rachel before turning and reaching up to a shelf to get a vase she can’t reach.

“I am not happy with you,” he tells her, quiet enough for the words not to carry over to the others.

“What, why?” Rachel asks. “I thought you’d be happy to get more people to your party. Besides, I still think you let him go too easily. You didn’t even try with him! You deserve to have love, Kurt.”

Kurt fills the vase with water. “There was no spark with him. I know I deserve love, but I will not get it from him.”

“Then who?” Rachel asks, a little unkindly. “He is so into you. You should have seen his face when I invited him!”

“I am not as into him, Rachel. I turned him down a month ago for a final time, and now you’re here giving him some sort of false hope, after all this time. It’s not fair to him, or me,” Kurt says, takes the roses from Rachel and puts them into the water. The bouquet is beautiful, but it feels almost mocking. Blaine couldn’t give Kurt roses, the flowers of love. Instead Kurt gets them from another man, a man he doesn’t want to get flowers from.

“Well, you should get your game face on and make a move tonight. You might get a birthday kiss,” Rachel says and smiles as if this is the greatest thing ever. Then she skips over to Elliott, leaving Kurt fuming in the kitchen.

This can’t be happening. It’s so not fair. Kurt takes a deep breath and decides to face the music. He doesn’t have a choice on the matter, anyway, so he just puts on a smile and walks over to his guests. He is the birthday boy, after all, so he needs to be present. These people are here for him.

Blaine gives him a long look as Kurt stops next to the couch. Elliott is continuing his story, and everyone else seems to listen happily. Kurt goes to Blaine and can’t help but touch his side where the others can’t see. He needs that touch, he needs to ground himself and send a message to Blaine.

“This is the older guy Rachel thinks I should intimidate?” Blaine asks under his breath, bringing back the conversation from weeks ago.

Kurt nods. “Yeah, the very same. I hate your sister, by the way, for inviting him.”

“She only wants you to be happy,” Blaine sighs, eyes on the group gathered around Elliott. “I can’t blame her.”

“Hey, stop that right now,” Kurt tells him, leaving no room for argument in his tone. “I’m with you. I don’t need or want anyone else. I turned Adam down a while ago, and I thought I had made myself clear. I have no idea what Rachel said to him to get him to come.”

“Well, it’s not like she knows…”

“Yeah,” Kurt agrees. “We have to tell her soon.”

“You’re right,” Blaine says. “But not until after Christmas, okay? I want to have my holidays worry-free, and I have to actually spend the holidays with her. But this is torture. You’re right there, and I’m not even allowed to touch you.”

“I know,” Kurt says. “I feel the same.”

Elliott wraps up whatever he was going on about to a huge bout of laughter that then splinters into several conversations. Adam walks over to where Kurt and Blaine are standing. He has a drink in his hand and a friendly smile on his face, and Kurt wants him to go away.

“I don’t think I had the time to introduce myself to you yet,” Adam says, offering Blaine his free hand. “Adam Crawford. I go to NYADA, and I met Kurt there.”

“Blaine Anderson,” Blaine answers, his tone ever so polite, but his smile doesn’t really reach his eyes as he shakes Adam’s hand. “Rachel’s brother.”

“And apparently good friends with Kurt here,” Adam says, giving them a look that Kurt can’t begin to analyze.

“Yeah, well. I live with him and Rachel now, and I’ve known Kurt quite a long time,” Blaine says.

“Well, I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again, then,” Adam offers.

Kurt wants to ask what he means, since _he_ hasn’t seen Adam in a while. There’s no way he is ever seeing Adam after this, either.

“Oh?” Blaine lifts his eyebrows. He seems a little chilly towards Adam, far from the usual polite friendliness. “How’s that?”

“Adam, what…” Kurt begins, but doesn’t get further than that.

“Kurt, the thing is – I know you said you’re not sure about going on a second date with me. But you’re single, and I’m single, and there’s no harm there. Rachel told me that you could use some company. So, go out with me again?”

“I, I. Adam, I,” Kurt splutters. He has no idea what to say or do. Adam has some guts, just walking over to him like that, in front of Blaine, and asking him out. Kurt can feel Blaine standing a little straighter next to him.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Blaine says, his tone cool, and walks away. Kurt stares after him, lost and shaky. He has no idea what Blaine is thinking. He knows that Blaine has jealous tendencies, but Blaine should also know there’s nothing between Kurt and Adam. Nothing. Kurt told Blaine he loves him. Blaine must believe him, Blaine must know that Kurt isn’t into Adam at all. Kurt just isn’t sure, and it makes him unable to think, unable to do anything but stare at Blaine’s back.

“Um, Kurt?” Adam asks, clearly unsure.

“Adam – I’m so sorry, but Rachel has it all wrong,” Kurt says. “There is someone. I’m not single anymore, so I can’t go out with you.”

“What? She practically insisted on me being here tonight.” Now Adam looks angry.

“She doesn’t know,” Kurt says. He can’t look Adam in the eye.

“She doesn’t know that you’re snogging her brother?” Adam asks with a quirked eyebrow and a pointed look towards Blaine.

Kurt freezes. He can’t breathe.

“I think she might know, and she’s not too happy, Kurt,” Adam tells him, voice low and a little dangerous. “She told me to come here. She told me that I could ask you out again, because you’ve been alone for so long and some action might do you good. But apparently you’re getting plenty of action. Do you think you can hide something like that from a person you live with?”

Kurt lifts his chin and faces Adam head on. He will not be threatened in his own birthday party. He squares his shoulders and sneers. “You are so wrong about that. Rachel knows nothing.”

“Oh, that’s only a couple of words that need to be said, and she will.”

“Are you serious right now?” Kurt asks, his voice rising. He can’t believe that Adam is trying to blackmail him.

“What’s going on?” Elliott asks from across the room.

“Nothing,” Kurt tells him. “Adam was just leaving.”

“Fine, I see how it is,” Adam says. It’s clear that he’s angry, but so is Kurt. This is his party, and Adam ruined his mood. Kurt is also mad at Rachel for asking Adam over in the first place. She never learns to stop shoving her nose into other people’s business.

Adam strides across the space and leaves his glass on the counter before grabbing his coat and leaving the loft. A stunned silence follows, several pairs of eyes staring at Kurt. Kurt turns his back to them all and goes to the bathroom to breathe. He needs a moment.

He locks the door behind his back and sits on the closed toilet seat, burying his head in his hands. He’s shaking. He has encountered bullies before, he has stood tall in front of slushies and shoves and hard words. It has been months since anything like that, though, and this altercation leaves him shaken. Adam just tried to blackmail him in his own birthday party. It seems unreal. Kurt would have never thought Adam would be like that. He seemed so polite and nice and sophisticated. Now Kurt is just glad there wasn’t anything more between them.

Rachel needs a stern talking, and Kurt needs to find Blaine to see what he’s thinking, and they have to decide what to do. When Kurt first heard that there would be a party, he was happy. Now he wishes Rachel had forgotten his birthday altogether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought of the chapter! I don't know if this is at all in character for Adam, but I needed some drama, and he's the perfect character for it.
> 
> If you like, you can also find me on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone - heads up: I don't think I can post on Sunday as I should. Back to scheduled posting on Tuesday! 
> 
> Also, there are probably going to be 23 or 24 chapters in total. I've now written 21 of them, but I'll just have to see how much it takes before I get to the end.

It takes a while for Kurt to pull himself together. He has made enough of a scene already, and he doesn’t want to fight with Rachel while everyone he knows in New York is in the same small space. He takes a deep breath and walks out into the living area. It’s just a couple of hours, and then Rachel can have a piece of his mind.

Sam and Dani are in the kitchen, chatting away. Chandler is engrossed in his phone on the couch, and Blaine and Elliott are talking, faces serious but friendly enough. Kurt tries not to worry about what they might be talking about and where it could lead. He hasn’t given Elliott Blaine’s number for a reason, after all. He knows there is history between those two, and that their relationship hasn’t always been the best. He can only hope they are making amends, because he doesn’t like the idea of the two of them at odds with each other. Both of them are too important to him.

Rachel notices Kurt and strides over to him right away. “Is everything okay?” she asks, face full of concern. It only manages to irritate Kurt more.

“You should not have invited Adam here. I told you I don’t want him,” Kurt says through clenched teeth. “You gave him ideas, and now I’m pretty sure he hates me.”

“But why don’t you want him? He is so into you!” Rachel insists.

“You should stop meddling into other people’s business! I can make my own decisions, and you should respect that. But I don’t want to talk about this, not now,” Kurt says and walks past her to sit next to Chandler on the couch.

Blaine gives him a look, eyebrows raised, a silent question. Kurt rolls his eyes in answer. He would love to know what Blaine is thinking. Actually, he would love it if everyone decided to scram right about now, and he could have an hour or two alone with Blaine. That’s the birthday he wants, not this – the atmosphere in the loft is still a little off after Kurt blew up at Adam.

“I think I should go,” Chandler says without preamble, shifting his gaze from his phone to Kurt. “My roommate is having some sort of crisis.”

Kurt tries to not breathe out in relief. “Oh, really? Already?” he manages to say.

“Yeah. It was nice seeing you, and meeting your friends. Happy birthday,” Chandler offers with a smile.

They get up from the couch and Kurt walks him to the door, exchanging a short goodbye. Kurt knows that Chandler felt a little weirded out, but maybe it all evens out later on, when Chandler realizes he spent time with Elliott Starchild. Kurt only feels lighter as he pulls the door closed after Chandler. One less guest to entertain.

“Hey, Kurt,” Elliott waves, catching Kurt’s attention. He has turned away from Blaine, who is now occupied with his sister. Elliott’s face is serious, and Kurt has no idea what he might have to say, but he goes over anyway. He is supposed to mingle with his guests, even though he just wants to hide from everyone.

“Hey. What’s up?” Kurt meets Elliott’s eyes.

“Are you alright?” Elliott asks straight on. “You just disappeared.”

Kurt looks away. “I just got hit on by Adam right in front of Blaine. But I got Adam to leave, so I guess that’s a win.”

“Oh wow, Kurt,” Elliott says. “No wonder you look tired.”

“I am tired, Elliott. I didn’t want to deal with Adam today, of all days.” Kurt lowers his voice. “To be honest, I’d kill for a moment alone with Blaine right now. Rachel has been here all day, preparing the party, and just… It’s my birthday, and I want Blaine.”

Elliott smirks. “Oooh.”

Kurt rolls his eyes, but smiles. “Not like that! I just want to have a moment alone, the two of us, not necessarily anything you’re implying, mister.”

Elliott laughs, his shoulders shaking. “I’m just teasing, Kurt. And I can help you with that, no killing involved. I’ll just round up Dani and Sam, and ask Rachel to follow us.”

Kurt’s heart starts racing. “Really? You’d do that?”

“It’s your birthday! You want to get some one-on-one with your beau, I can make that happen.” Elliott wiggles his eyebrows, making Kurt blush, but he appreciates his friend so much in that moment he feels like he’s going to burst.

“Just hold on, don’t lose the pants right this second,” Elliott teases and claps a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “And when I ask you to join, tell me that you’re too beat.”

Kurt stands there as Elliott goes to Dani and Sam, happy and hot with Elliott’s gentle taunts. His birthday might be redeemed, still. He is going to get some time alone with Blaine. It’s everything he wants, and to have that… Elliott might be able to keep Rachel out for _hours_. Kurt has not been alone with Blaine for that long since sometime last spring. It’s a luxury that they haven’t really found after their reunion. Kurt tries to keep his face straight and not smile like a complete loon.

“Hey, Kurt, Rachel, Blaine – do you feel like taking this to a club? I know an 18 and over place that’s not too shabby,” Elliott says, raising his voice enough to get everyone’s attention.

Rachel turns away from her conversation with Blaine and smiles. “That sounds great!”

Kurt catches Blaine’s eyes and gives him a small shake of his head. “I think I’m too tired to go out anymore,” he says.

Blaine blinks. “I think I’ll stay behind as well. Get ahead with the clean up and such.”

“You guys are so boring,” Rachel complains. “Seriously? Kurt, it’s your birthday, come on.”

“Yes, it’s my birthday,” Kurt says, lifting his chin a little to look even further down on her than usual. “So I get to decide what I want. I’m tired, I’m still mad at you about Adam, and I want to stay home.”

“Fine,” Rachel huffs. “I’m going anyway.”

Kurt refrains from saying _please, do_ , and just keeps looking at her.

It only takes a few minutes for Elliott, Rachel, Dani and Sam to clear out. Kurt hugs them and thanks them for coming as they offer their congratulations again. Elliott gives him a wink as he slides the door closed, and the loft falls into silence. It feels a little unnerving after the noise of several conversations.

Kurt faces Blaine with a suddenly nervous smile. Blaine takes one look at him and laughs.

“You schemed this, didn’t you?”

“It was Elliott’s idea, and who was I to refuse?” Kurt sasses through the nerves flaring in his belly. He is alone with Blaine.

“We need to thank him well and properly later,” Blaine says, walking over, a slow, warm smile on his face. His eyes feel hot on Kurt’s skin, and Kurt’s breath catches as he stops right in Kurt’s personal space.

Kurt swallows. Just like that, he’s out of his depth. “Um. You’re not upset about Adam?”

Blaine shakes his head. “It’s not your fault he’s interested in you. It wasn’t fun, but it’s over now, and I think he finally got the message.”

Blaine’s hand is on Kurt’s arm, and the simple touch affects Kurt more than he can believe. He wants this so much, he wants Blaine, but how is this too soon, again? It is soon. On the other hand, it’s been over two weeks since their talk and they’ve only kissed once. They agreed on slow, but Kurt is ready for more, he’s thirsty for more. No one has touched him in a sexual way in so long, and Blaine does it so very well – not that Kurt has experienced anyone else.

“Kiss me,” Kurt breathes into the inches between them, and Blaine complies. He leans up to capture Kurt’s mouth, and doesn’t hesitate to turn it deep. He tastes of soda and the strawberries Rachel had produced from somewhere. Kurt licks the taste up happily. Blaine’s hands are on his waist, solid and hot, and Kurt has missed this so much. Blaine is so small right against him, all wiry muscle. It’s glorious, thrilling in a new way, to be noticeably taller than him.

“Happy birthday, my sweet,” Blaine says, hardly lifting his lips from Kurt’s. He might emphasize the word _my_ a little more than usual. Kurt smiles into the kiss.

“Thank you,” Kurt says, and they get lost in just kissing, enjoying the closeness, the unhurried touch that they can now afford. Kurt’s lips tingle, his blood is singing, and Blaine is warm and willing under his hands. “Now, whatever shall we do with this empty apartment?”

Blaine pulls back a little. His eyes are dark as they meet Kurt’s, his lips swollen and parted. “How about, we take a quick shower, and then I’ll show you what a birthday celebration can really be like?”

Kurt could swear his heart misses a beat. “I… god, I want that, but we have no idea how much time we have.”

Blaine presses a kiss on his lower lip, traps it between his own, and Kurt has to close his eyes again. He has missed kissing more than he could have ever guessed. Blaine’s hands roam over Kurt’s shoulders, his back and his arms. They leave hot paths in their wake, and Kurt squirms with happiness. Even if they don’t have time for sex, they have this. They have time for closeness and touching, and Kurt loves it.

“Text Elliott,” Blaine says against his lips and then pulls back, letting go of Kurt. “Tell him to give us a heads up when Rachel leaves.”

“You’re a genius,” Kurt tells Blaine with a smile. He would purr if he could. This is the best birthday ever.

It’s a shame to walk away from Blaine’s space, but Kurt really needs to send that text. He needs to ensure that they can have time together without worrying about Rachel returning any second, and this idea is perfect.

Kurt

Can you let me know when Rachel leaves for home?

Elliott’s reply is almost instant, and Kurt shares a smile with Blaine when the notification comes through.

Elliott

_Oh, so it is like that after all, huh?_

_I’ll give you a warning_

_Have fun ;)_

Kurt

Oh, I certainly will

Now stop texting me until you lose sight of Rachel

He smiles stupidly at the messages, shakes his head at Elliott and throws his phone on the couch. Blaine is standing still, waiting for him, a warm smile on his face, eyes intent on Kurt.

“Done. Elliott will warn us,” Kurt says.

“Great!” Blaine bounces a little on his toes. “So, shower with me?”

Kurt bites his lip. They’ve never done that before, but the idea is more than alluring. All of Blaine’s skin right in front of him, wet and shiny, his hair getting loose as the water washes away the gel. The mere idea is enough to get Kurt hot. “Yes,” he says, breathless.

Blaine offers his hand, and Kurt takes it, letting Blaine pull him towards the bathroom. He feels tingly with anticipation. Kurt has wanted Blaine for a long while, pretty much ever since he moved in, even though Kurt didn’t want to admit it to himself. Now that the moment is here, the moment to really be with him physically again, he feels nervous and impatient at the same time. He can feel the first tugs of arousal, and he knows his cheeks are getting red.

“Let’s make it quick, okay? I just want to see you, and get clean, and then we can continue this… if you want, of course.” Blaine backtracks suddenly, as if he can’t see how affected Kurt is when they close the bathroom door. The space feels so small with the both of them there.

“Blaine, don’t be silly. Of course I want this, I want you,” Kurt tells him, staring into his caramel brown eyes.

“Yeah? I just had to make sure,” Blaine smiles. “I have a plan, but I want you to be on board.”

Kurt quirks an eyebrow. “You have a plan?”

Blaine tucks in his chin, as if bashful, but the look in his face is anything but. His half lidded eyes and parted lips scream sensuality. “Oh yeah. I’m going to make you feel so good, Kurt.”

Kurt shivers. He has almost forgotten what this feels like, what it’s like to be wanted like Blaine wants him. Blatantly, with no hesitation, honest and true. “I think I can let that happen,” Kurt teases. He wants it so bad. There is no question about it.

“It starts with you letting me undress you,” Blaine says, and Kurt doesn’t need to be told twice. He spreads his arms a little and gives Blaine an expectant look. Blaine wastes no time, stepping into Kurt’s space and swiftly unbuttoning his button-up. Blaine pushes it down his shoulders, hands hot and hungry on Kurt. Their eye-contact never breaks, and Kurt can barely breathe with the intensity he sees in Blaine’s gaze. Blaine tucks the sleeves past Kurt’s hands and sets the shirt on the closed toilet seat before getting to Kurt’s undershirt and pulling it over his head in one, continuous move.

“You are so beautiful, Kurt,” Blaine sighs, dropping his eyes on Kurt’s chest, setting a hand over his heart. “You… physically, you’ve changed so much. You’re so _tall_. There are these wonderful new muscles, too. So beautiful, my sweet.” There’s some awe in his voice, his hands slowly map Kurt’s chest and belly, back up to his shoulders, down his arms. They leave goosebumps in their wake. Kurt lets out a breath.

“Let me take off your shirt?”

Blaine nods with a smile, takes a step back and lifts his arms so that Kurt can remove his dark blue t-shirt. To Kurt, Blaine looks pretty similar to what he was before. He has a little more muscle to his arms, but that’s it. And then… then there’s the tattoo on his chest that wasn’t there when Kurt last touched Blaine’s naked body. There are the piercings. Kurt flicks at a nipple gently, lifting a curious eyebrow. Blaine lets out a bark of laugh.

“I’ll tell you about them some other time, alright? Let’s get this going.” He doesn’t let Kurt linger. Instead he drops to his knees and opens Kurt’s belt buckle without bigger ceremony. Kurt feels light-headed at the change, at the abruptness of Blaine’s action. The beginnings of arousal had been there, but it’s getting more intense with Blaine kneeling, getting at Kurt’s pants and pulling them down his legs. Kurt steps out of them, reaching down to get rid of his socks. Blaine takes that moment to take off his own pants, and Kurt is a little disappointed that he wasn’t the one to undress Blaine, but they do have a time limit.

Kurt gets the shower going and adjusts the temperature. Blaine stands by his side, and it’s really difficult to not get all bothered by his naked boyfriend. Boyfriend. They haven’t exactly said the word to each other yet, but that is what they are, at least in Kurt’s mind. The water warms up and Kurt steps under the spray, pulling Blaine in with him by his hands. He focuses on looking into Blaine’s eyes.

“Are you my boyfriend again?” Kurt asks, and hates how his voice wavers.

Blaine’s face turns into the most beautiful smile. “Of course, if you’re mine.”

Kurt can’t resist him anymore. He kisses Blaine, licking at his lips, breathing into his opening mouth, “Yes.”

They get lost in kissing for a moment, until Blaine reaches for the shampoo and breaks away. Kurt stops him with a hand on his arm. “Let me?”

“Yeah, yes.”

Kurt feels giddy. This must be the most perfect birthday ever. He gets to break away that god-awful gel, he gets to tangle his fingers into the dark curls he knows are hiding under the product. It’s heaven, letting the water wash away Blaine’s hair gel, rubbing at his scalp to make sure it’s all gone. Blaine’s eyes are closed, and there’s a blissful look on his face.

They take turns washing each other. It’s sort of odd at first, to touch Blaine like this, soap suds making his skin slippery, water clinging to his hair and eyelashes. Kurt feels shy, not sure how to touch him, if it’s really okay. Blaine takes charge gently, guiding Kurt’s hand and the loofah along his body. He leans into Kurt a little, a happy smile on his lips, eyes half closed.

It must be the most intimate thing Kurt has ever experienced, letting Blaine run a loofah across his skin, everywhere – up to his neck, down his legs and to his feet. It’s trust, pure and simple, to just be naked together like this, touching each other in a not sexual way. It doesn’t feel like too much to let Blaine wash between his legs, though Kurt thinks he might combust from the thought later. Right now he is lost in the warmth, in the intimacy, and nothing really scares or embarrasses him in Blaine’s attentive care. He feels cared for, he feels loved, and Blaine presses a kiss on his mouth as he pushes Kurt under the spray. It’s as close to perfect as Kurt can imagine anything being.

They leave the shower as the water starts to cool, and dry themselves standing right next to each other, exchanging heated looks.

“Ready to take this to bed?” Blaine asks, voice low and a little raspy.

Kurt nods, unable to find his words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'd love to hear what you think of the chapter. 
> 
> If you feel like it, you can come talk to me on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	13. Chapter 13

They separate as they leave the bathroom. Blaine disappears behind his own curtains, and Kurt goes to retrieve his phone from the couch. He checks, but there are no messages. They are still in the clear, they still have time alone. Kurt knows he has to keep the sound on his phone, and he needs to have it by his bedside. He tries to not think of it as a moodkill. It’s a precaution. They really don’t want Rachel walking in on them.

Blaine returns with a bottle of lube, wearing nothing but a smile. Kurt returns the smile, letting his eyes roam the same paths his hands had in the shower just minutes ago. Blaine looks amazing naked, somehow small but very proportionate, his skin a couple tones darker than Kurt’s. He isn’t overly muscular, but beautifully toned instead. His hair is still slightly wet, droplets clinging to his curls. Kurt’s boyfriend is a living, breathing work of art.

“Take me to bed, Hummel,” Blaine teases gently, and who is Kurt to refuse? He steps to Blaine, takes his hand and pulls him along to his own area of the loft. They leave the lights on without care. Kurt sets his phone on the nightstand, Blaine throws the lube haphazardly on the bed. They share a long look before they fall on Kurt’s bed, Blaine hovering over Kurt on his elbows. His curls drip a little, tiny pinpricks of sensation on Kurt’s skin. Kurt reaches up to spread his fingers over Blaine’s back, over the tattoos he knows are there. Blaine is warm, still a little damp, so alive and real on top of him. Kurt feels trapped in the best possible way.

“I do have a real present for you as well,” Blaine tells him, voice low, “but now that we have this opportunity, I want to spoil you. I want to make you feel so good, Kurt, I want to worship you the way you deserve. I want to show you how sorry I am, how much I’ve missed you. How much I love you.”

Kurt smiles and pulls at Blaine, getting him to lay some weight on him, chest to chest. He feels breathless, his chest full of feelings he can’t begin to separate from each other. “I like the idea.”

“Yeah? That’s good,” Blaine says and kisses Kurt, mouth soft, open, wet. He moves on from Kurt’s lips, kissing his cheeks, his chin, traveling along his jaw and over the very good spot right under Kurt’s ear. Blaine remembers, no doubt about it as he sucks gently and Kurt’s eyes cross at how it feels.

“I won’t leave you a hickey this time,” Blaine mutters right into Kurt’s ear. “At least not right there. Maybe somewhere else that no one but me will see.”

Kurt whines a little in his throat at the idea, his cock twitching, starting to get harder. He holds Blaine close, every inch of him gloriously touching Blaine. Nothing feels like enough. Blaine is finally here, in Kurt’s arms, and Kurt feels both frantic and at peace at the same time.

“Any time you don’t like something, tell me?” Blaine mutters in between pressing kisses on Kurt’s neck.

“Yeah, yes,” Kurt agrees readily, though he’s pretty sure Blaine could do just about anything right now. Kurt is just putty in his hands, happy and hot and so willing.

“I am going to kiss you all over,” Blaine says, and it seems he really means it literally. He slowly works his way to the other side of Kurt’s neck. “And, if you aren’t opposed, I’d like to finger you. Suck you a little, kiss you a little more, maybe even rim you. That okay?”

Kurt’s breath stutters and halts as his brain short-circuits. His cock is filling fast. “I, I, Blaine…”

“Only if you’re fine with it,” Blaine says, his voice completely serious even though his lips are just a breath away from Kurt’s neck.

“Absolutely fine,” Kurt sighs, pressing his fingertips into Blaine’s back. He is already getting painfully hard, and it seems Blaine has only just started. The images, the ideas Blaine’s words bring to mind, are nearly too much as such, but they are going to turn into reality and sensation soon enough. It’s driving Kurt crazy.

Blaine hums along Kurt’s skin as he moves lower, pressing open-mouthed kisses on Kurt’s collar bones. He pushes the tip of his nose into the dip between them and takes a deep breath. “Some day, when we have all the time in the world, I’ll literally kiss you everywhere. I’ll give you the long version, explore you for hours until you’re nothing but sensation. But, because we have no idea how long we have, I’ll give you the short version today.”

Kurt is about to answer, say something about keeping Blaine to that promise he just made, but all words disappear when Blaine sucks on his nipple and Kurt’s toes curl. Kurt lets go of Blaine’s back to twist his fingers into the sheet. He feels like he might float away without the contact to the bed. There’s already some sweat gathering on his temples, on his chest, he feels hot with arousal and Blaine’s closeness and his words. The heat starts from between his legs and spreads all over, up to his cheeks, down to his feet. Blaine keeps kissing him with an open mouth, now making his way straight down Kurt’s chest and belly, leaving behind little wet patches that cool in the air and send thrills everywhere.

Blaine pushes his tongue into Kurt’s belly button, teasing there, and Kurt can’t help but imagine how that same tongue is going to feel somewhere else. He squirms under Blaine’s ministrations – it’s so much, but it’s not anywhere near enough. He needs Blaine to touch his cock now. Blaine is situated nicely between his legs, so all he has to do is lift his hips just a little to get some friction against Blaine’s chest.

“Ooh, not so hasty,” Blaine laughs, lifting his head enough to meet Kurt’s gaze. His eyes are black with want.

“Touch me,” Kurt tells him.

“In a moment, my sweet,” Blaine promises, setting his weight firmly on Kurt so that it’s impossible to move his hips. Kurt’s cock is trapped between their bodies, but there is no movement. It’s impossibly good but really frustrating. All Kurt wants is to grind into Blaine. Kurt curses under his breath. The lust is swirling in him, he is desperate for more even though he loves everything Blaine has done so far. Kurt’s skin is buzzing all over in the wake of Blaine’s kisses, some just pecks, some sucking, wet and full of tongue. Kurt never knew his belly could be so sensitive.

“I love you,” Blaine says after a long, sucking kiss right under Kurt’s belly button. “I love everything you are. Kurt – you’re beautiful, inside and out, and every day I’m so grateful to have you in my life. I’m so sorry for ever letting you go, for ever letting you down. This is where I want to be.”

“I love you, too,” Kurt says and blinks, overwhelmed. It’s so new, those three little words. This is only the second time he’s said them to Blaine. It’s a thrill to hear them and to say them. It makes the hair in his arms stand up.

“I am so lucky,” Blaine says, and the words come out so sincere, like he spoke them from his very soul. Blaine kisses Kurt’s belly again, and then trails his lips down the coarse hair, all the way down to the base of Kurt’s painfully hard cock. He continues along the length, touch maddeningly light, barely there. Kurt bites his lip to keep the desperate noises inside. Blaine is holding on to his hips so firmly, denying all movement, and Kurt’s hands are shaking with it. A tiny moan escapes, but he clamps his mouth tight around it.

Blaine pulls up to look into Kurt’s eyes again. His mouth is swollen, red, his hair curling on top of his head, and he is the most beautiful thing Kurt has ever seen.

“Don’t hold back, Kurt. We’re alone. You can be noisy.”

“Mm-hmm,” is all Kurt can produce, lips pressed together.

“Let me hear you,” Blaine insists before mouthing at Kurt’s hip, pressing an arm across Kurt’s lower stomach. He sucks hard, and that is most likely leaving a mark. Kurt can’t help but moan at the feeling, at the thought.

“Yeah,” Blaine comments, and sucks some more.

Kurt’s phone pings on the nightstand. It takes Kurt a while to clear his head enough to understand what it must mean. Blaine’s lips are off his skin. He’s looking at Kurt wide-eyed, and Kurt knows they share the disappointment.

“No, no no no,” He complains as he reaches for his phone on the nightstand. “I’m not ready for this to be over.”

But the message is not from Elliott. It’s from Rachel herself. Kurt blinks at his phone, confused, and opens the message.

Rachel

_Going to Brody’s. No need to wait up_

_And please tell Blaine something so he doesn’t chew me out in the morning_

Kurt laughs. Their night is not being cut short. It’s being extended. He is likely to get a whole night alone with Blaine. All alone, the two of them, almost endless hours to drown in each other after so long.

“What?” Blaine asks, confused by Kurt’s reaction.

“Just a second, I’m checking something to make sure,” Kurt says and types a reply.

Kurt

Are you going to spend the whole night? Scandalous, Miss Berry

Rachel

_Yes. You don’t get to judge me, just help with my brother_

Kurt

Sure thing. He won’t bother you too much

“I just got another gift,” Kurt informs Blaine, changing his phone on silent and dropping it on the nightstand.

Blaine makes a face. It dawns on Kurt that he just texted with Rachel while her brother is laying naked on Kurt’s hips and legs. It’s oddly thrilling, so wrong somehow, but it just turns Kurt’s crank instead of making him feel bad. Rachel has _no idea_.

“What is it?” Blaine asks.

“Rachel is going to Brody’s for the whole night. She told me to help with you, so, please be kind to her tomorrow when she gets home,” Kurt says with a smile.

Blaine blinks and grins like the cat that got the canary. “Ooh, I am going to be so kind. She just made my night!”

Kurt delighted laugh cuts abruptly when Blaine leans down and circles the head of his cock with his tongue. It sends sparks up Kurt’s spine and reminds him how turned on he actually is.

For a long while Kurt gets lost in pleasure. Blaine is good with his mouth, bringing Kurt to the brink before pulling off. Kurt whines in protest. He wants Blaine’s mouth back on his cock, he is crazy with lust, he just needs more. But instead of Blaine’s mouth, he gets two lubed up fingers that press into the skin right behind his balls. Blaine rubs tight circles there, the pressure amazing – how does it feel so good? Kurt is panting, his hips working small, aborted motions against Blaine’s hands. The fingers dip lower, pass Kurt’s hole in careful sweeps. Kurt can’t help but moan and whine, earning quiet encouragement from Blaine. Then Blaine’s lips and tongue follow his fingers and Kurt is gone in a haze of pleasure. Blaine’s tongue feels so odd but so amazing, and Kurt groans as Blaine wraps the fingers of his other hand around the very base of Kurt’s dripping cock.

Kurt can’t tell which way is up anymore. There are too many sensations, strange, new and overwhelmingly good. It’s almost embarrassing how good it feels, and suddenly Kurt understands why people think feeling like this is sinful. It’s too good, it feels like too much and nowhere near enough, he is lost in the wet of Blaine’s tongue, in the sure pressure of his fingertips. Kurt closes his eyes, pants out short, noisy breaths. His body is trembling all over. He barely registers the slick noises of Blaine’s ministrations.

Suddenly there’s a fingertip inside him, and it feels different, but it’s not painful. Kurt is so relaxed and into it that it just feels like welcome pressure, a distraction from everything else that’s going on. Kurt flushes hotter at the idea that a part of Blaine is inside him now and moans.

“Yeah? All good?” Blaine checks in, his voice deep.

“Yeahsogood,” Kurt stutters out in one heap of a word. He shifts his hips, looking for more of something, anything, urging Blaine to keep up with whatever he is doing.

Blaine takes his physical cue, rubbing on Kurt’s insides, slipping his finger deeper. Then he crooks it and a flash of stars bursts within Kurt, making him groan loudly. His back bows up from the bed, he can’t help keening an endless whine of noise. It’s unlike anything he has ever felt before. Then Blaine seals his lips around the head of Kurt’s cock, sucks and crooks his finger against that spot again.

Kurt is done for. He comes with a shout and a blabber of Blaine’s name, it feels like it lasts forever, he’s just coming and coming and Blaine is sucking it all out of him. He can’t see, he can’t hear, all he knows is how Blaine’s touch makes him feel. Kurt strains into the euphoria, waves of it crashing within, and then collapses, out of breath.

“Oh my, Blaine,” he moans, his mouth lazy and lax.

There are slick sounds from where Blaine is still between Kurt’s legs. Blaine is jerking off, breathing puffs of air on Kurt’s over-sensitive skin. Kurt kind of wants to do something for him, but he just can’t move. His whole body is heavy and sated, and he can’t lift one finger right now.

“Kurt, you’re… oh,” Blaine mutters, one hand on Kurt’s leg, the other working between his legs. He comes, his fingers digging into Kurt’s thigh, wet splatter on his knee. Then Blaine falls, cushioning his head on Kurt’s hip, and breathes heavily.

They lay in silence, breath slowly evening, heart rates calming. Kurt lifts a hand and places it on Blaine’s hair. “Come up here.”

Blaine huffs a breath, and with great effort slides up the bed until he’s right next to Kurt, on his side. He lifts a leg over one of Kurt’s, hooking his ankle by Kurt’s calf. His hand finds Kurt’s, their fingers twine together. Kurt doesn’t even care about the mess on Blaine – he needs the contact.

“You didn’t let me reciprocate,” Kurt says quietly.

“It’s your birthday, Kurt. I wanted your pleasure to come first. How was it?” There’s a lazy, satisfied smile on Blaine’s face.

Kurt is pretty sure his face mirrors Blaine’s expressions exactly. “Oh, so good. You did so good. I’ve never come that hard before.”

“I’m glad,” Blaine mutters, closing his eyes.

They doze off, still close together, on top of the covers.

*

Kurt wakes up to a gentle hand petting his chest. He feels lethargic, unwilling to open his eyes, because sleep felt so good – sweeter than ever before.

“Kurt,” Blaine sing-songs softly.

“Mmph,” Kurt acknowledges. He just wants to burrow into the warmth for Blaine, and sleep some more.

“We should clean up. Rachel can’t find us like this in the morning. We have to tell her in a little less in-your-face way, don’t you think?” Blaine’s fingers still haven’t stopped moving on Kurt’s skin.

“Why do we care?” Kurt mumbles and opens his eyes. The lights of the loft are still on. There’s no telling how long they slept. He feels as if he’s slept quite a while. He meets Blaine’s warm gaze and smiles.

“She’s my little sister. I know you have no problems scarring her for life, but I’d prefer not to,” Blaine says.

“Okay, fine,” Kurt surrenders. He knows Blaine is right. He just really liked sleeping with Blaine in his bed. This is only the third night they’re sharing a bed, ever, and that is way too little. Maybe they can come up with a way to sneak behind Rachel’s back to sleep with one another. Kurt would love it. He is generally not a touchy person, but having Blaine so close is heavenly. He leans up for a kiss that Blaine gives him, and it feels so natural, so easy.

“Can we just stay a little while longer?” Kurt whispers.

“I’ll offer you one better: let’s clean up, put some pajamas on, and then come back here to cuddle.”

Kurt scrunches his nose, trying to hide his smile. “Oh, okay, you’ve talked me into it. Let’s do that.”

They take turns cleaning up in the bathroom. Blaine gets his pajamas and they change Kurt’s sheets together. They didn’t make a huge mess, but Kurt got sweaty enough to want to change them. They settle back to bed, under the covers this time, and Blaine tucks himself against Kurt’s side, laying his head on Kurt’s chest. He feels right. Kurt twines their fingers together on his belly and kisses Blaine’s hair.

“So, lover, where did you learn all that to drive me crazy?” Kurt asks, keeping his voice low. They’ve put out the lights, and somehow it feels too intimate for a louder voice. They are alone in the loft, in their little cocoon of warmth behind Kurt’s drapes. Kurt kind of wants nights like this to continue.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Blaine teases.

“Actually, yeah,” Kurt confesses softly. He is curious about Blaine’s sexual past.

“Well, you know I wasn’t a virgin when we first got together,” Blaine says, voice just as soft as Kurt’s.

“It was pretty obvious,” Kurt remarks somewhat drily, and laughs to soften it. “I like it. You manage to calm me down, and it’s kind of a turn on that you know what you’re doing. But, um, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead,” Blaine says easily.

“How many people have you been with?”

Blaine takes a deep breath. “Three, and you. Not really that many. There was Sebastian, of course, I was with him for about eight months. He was my only boyfriend. After him, in Columbus, there was this guy Eli. We used to meet up for sex and little else. Then, you. And, last summer, I had a stupid moment of insanity. I picked up a guy from a bar, and I can’t even remember his name anymore. Something with a C, I think. It makes me feel ashamed. I didn’t think I was that kind of a person.”

Kurt swallows, digesting the information. It hurts that Blaine was with someone only last summer, while Kurt was trying to nurse his broken heart back together. He can’t really blame Blaine, though. They were very much broken up. Besides, Kurt went out with Adam, so it’s not like they both just withered away alone while they were apart. Kurt only shared one awkward kiss with Adam, though. Blaine is the only one to ever touch Kurt sexually.

“How do you feel about that?” Blaine asks into the long silence, sounding apprehensive.

“It’s… I don’t know. You were with someone last summer?” Kurt guesses it’s only fair to be honest and let Blaine know that it makes him feel weird.

“Yeah,” Blaine sighs. “It was stupid. I got tested after, so I’m physically clean. Mentally, I’m not sure.”

“What does that mean?”

Blaine shifts in an equivalent of a shrug, though it’s more like a wiggle, given how they are tangled in each other. “I’m not… I didn’t think I could do it. Go home with a stranger. Sex matters. I feel a little cheap about the one night thing, though I know lots of people do it and enjoy it. It’s just… not who I am. Or so I thought. Do you hate me for it?”

Kurt doesn’t really know what to say, so he just pulls Blaine impossibly closer while he thinks of the right words. “You’re not cheap,” he begins. “You’re not dirty, or anything like that. And it’s not like you cheated. We weren’t together, so you haven’t done anything wrong.”

Blaine nods, cheek sliding against Kurt’s pajama top. “I know. I know that. It’s just that my feelings don’t change, no matter what is sensible. It takes time. Sense and feelings don’t go together in my head. I, I was in therapy in Columbus, and I’ll find someone to see after New Year’s here, too. I’m working on getting better. I’m trying not to let my insecurities win.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Kurt says. He presses his fingers into Blaine’s back. “You hear me? You are strong. You will get there.”

Blaine laughs, but the sound is not happy. “I hope so. But Kurt, it’s a long road. I’ve made some progress, but I’m still far from okay. I want to warn you – there are going to be times when I’m dumb, insecure and petty because of it. I might take arguments too hard, and I might not believe a good thing you tell me. There are going to be bad days. I understand if it’s too much to ask for you to be there for me. If I had been smart, I would have talked to you about this before we fell into bed, huh? Anyway, you can still turn back.”

“Blaine, I love you,” Kurt says. It’s not a declaration, it’s not a sweet thing. It’s a statement of a fact. “All people have their off days, yours just happen to be a certain kind. I will learn. I can’t say I never will get frustrated, but I want to be with you. I want you to tell me what you need, so I can help. Your issues are not keeping me from you, if we don’t let them.”

Blaine takes a shuddering breath and shifts to lean on his arm so he can look Kurt in the eye. His eyes are deep, shining a little in the light filtering in from the street. His features are half hidden in shadows, but Kurt can see his lower lip trembling.

“I love you so much,” Blaine says. “That… that’s everything I needed to hear. How can you just say the words I need the most?”

Kurt kisses him, soft and careful, but still full of emotion. The surety he used to feel about Blaine is back full force. This man is his, and he is Blaine’s, and their lives are meant to be lived together. They separate from the kiss and settle again, close, touching everywhere they can.

“Is this the moment when I tell you that I got you tickets to Wicked? For the official birthday present?” Blaine says after a moment.

Kurt smiles at him, wide and enthusiastic. Oh, yes. Their lives are meant to entwine, there’s no doubt about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, let me know what you think! I still can't believe I keep writing smut...
> 
> You can also come see me on tumblr, freaking up about this or that and cooing over cats: little-escapist.tumblr.com


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you probably saw on my Tumblr that this fic is now completely written! There are 22 chapters and a short epilogue. So, three weeks to go until we wrap this up. Thank you for reading and commenting and living this story - it has been such a journey to write.

There are comforting, familiar sounds coming from the kitchen when Kurt wakes up. A sizzling of a pan, Blaine’s humming. Kurt can smell pancakes. He tries to not be disappointed that Blaine isn’t right there next to him, but Blaine has always been an early riser, and that applies to Rachel, too. She could come home any moment, so Blaine was probably smart in getting up and starting on breakfast. Still, Kurt would have loved to wake up to Blaine’s smile right next to him. Maybe one day, he tells himself and hoists himself up.

Blaine is, indeed, making pancakes. His back is towards Kurt as he watches the stove, humming to himself and swaying in place in an adorable almost-dance. He’s only in his faded blue pajamas, and his hair is sticking up everywhere. Kurt walks up to him and puts his arms around Blaine’s waist. Blaine just leans into him, never pausing his movements.

“Good morning,” Kurt says. He feels a little sleepy, not quite awake yet.

“Morning,” Blaine answers and Kurt can hear his smile. “Pancakes are done soon, and the coffee is right there waiting for you.” Blaine points towards the coffee maker.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” Blaine answers easily and turns his head enough to press a small kiss on Kurt’s cheek. “Now, let me finish these.”

Kurt nods. He can’t help nuzzling into Blaine’s hair a little before letting go. He gets a mug from the cabinet and pours himself some coffee with creamer before settling down at the table. Blaine has already set it, there’s syrup and butter and orange juice set up with plates and glasses. Kurt can never figure out how Blaine can be like this first thing in the morning, organized and full of energy.

They are just starting to dig into their pancakes when they hear a key in the lock, and Rachel pulls the door open. She looks tired but happy in yesterday’s clothes, and she freezes when she sees them at the table. Maybe she thought they wouldn’t be up to witness her walk of shame.

“Morning, missy,” Blaine says pointedly. “And where have you been?”

Rachel shoots Kurt an angry glare. “I sent a message last night, didn’t Kurt tell you?”

“I did!” Kurt exclaims, looking at Blaine with raised eyebrows. Blaine had said he wouldn’t tease Rachel after she unknowingly gave them a night together. She practically did them a favor, even if she doesn’t know that.

“Hey, Rach, calm down. Kurt told me. It’s fine. I’m not here to police you, you know? But I am still your brother, so I have a right to tease you a little,” Blaine says and smirks at Rachel, who is not amused.

“Save me a couple of those pancakes,” she says before hurrying behind her curtains.

Blaine gives Kurt a look full of heat and love, and Kurt basks in it, smiling back. He feels good.

*

A couple of hours later Kurt gets a text from Elliott. He shifts away the monologue he is memorizing. He has to present it on Tuesday, and he feels pretty confident with it, but there are a couple of spots he needs to figure out, still. Does he want to emphasize a word, or the whole sentence?

Elliott

_Did you have fun?_

Kurt

Yes, I did. Thanks for not giving the heads up, btw

Elliott

_Calm down. Rachel was right next to me texting you so I thought I didn’t need to_

_I was pretty sure you wouldn’t appreciate too many interrupting texts_

_Was I right?_

Kurt

Yes. I’m not spilling details though

Elliott

_Ooooh, you lucky dog, you got a GOOD birthday, didn’t you?_

Kurt

The best.

*

It’s a huge relief when school finally lets out on Thursday. There are no more recitals or dance exams or acting to do. The week has been insane, tiring and stressful, but luckily it went by fast just because of those things. Kurt thinks he did well enough. He fumbled a little in his dance exam, and got told off by Cassandra July for it, but he thinks it’s fine overall. That was just a small detail. He is kind of proud for his singing, and the monologue he did went smoothly. He is a little surprised how well he could concentrate on everything, given that Blaine is right there, and any time his mind strayed, it was filled with Blaine and Blaine alone. They could only exchange some looks behind Rachel’s back, and Kurt is torn. He wants nothing more than get lost in Blaine’s touch.

Kurt and Rachel have booked a flight to Lima late on Thursday to get home for Christmas, because neither of them has exams on Friday. Blaine is following them on Saturday, once all his stuff at work is over and done with. He still has to teach on Friday, and Kurt has understood that there are some administrative things he has to take care of before he is free for the holidays. It’s kind of odd to leave Blaine alone in the loft. Kurt almost wants to stay behind with him – they would have two nights to themselves! – but the plane ticket is bought and Rachel wouldn’t understand.

“See you soon,” Rachel tells Blaine as they are leaving, giving her brother a hug.

“Fly safe. Text me when you’re there,” Blaine says in return.

Kurt decides that it’s not too weird if he hugs Blaine, too. Rachel knows that they’ve made some kind of peace, and friends hug each other. They are friends in Rachel’s eyes for sure. So, when Rachel steps away, Kurt goes forward, pulling Blaine in before there’s time to think about it too much. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just squeezes Blaine a little tighter. Blaine’s fingers press small impressions into his back, and then they have to part, before the hug gets too long for Rachel to understand. Kurt would give anything to linger, to press a kiss on Blaine’s mouth, but he has to be fine with a small smile instead.

“See you later,” Kurt says as he lets go.

Blaine smiles. “What I said to Rachel applies to you, too. Fly safe, and let me know you got home okay.”

“Yeah, sure,” Kurt nods. He doesn’t want to look away from Blaine. It’s weird. After having him right there for almost two months it’s difficult to leave without him. In such a short time there’s been a lot of emotion, a whirlwind of maneuvering a situation that was weird and awkward and turned into something beyond nice. They will see each other soon enough, they all are flying back to New York before the New Year’s. And if Kurt plays his cards right, they might have time to see each other in Lima, too.

“Okay, let’s go,” Rachel says and opens the door. Kurt grabs his suitcase and follows her. He’s not able to stop himself from taking one last look as he closes the door behind them. Blaine is standing there, a sad sort of smile on his lips, but he winks at Kurt.

It’s only a week or so, maybe not even that much. Kurt has gone longer without seeing him many times. It doesn’t stop his heart from aching a little.

*

“So, you and Blaine,” Rachel begins once they are seated in the plane, waiting for takeoff. Kurt is by the window, Rachel has an aisle seat. The last passengers are looking for their seats, and soon they’ll be in the air.

Kurt stiffens. “What?” She can’t know. She would react very differently if she knew. Kurt isn’t in the mood for this right now, the airport was busy and they had to rush through it, since check-in took so long. All he wants is to breathe for a moment. No such luck, not with this subject. He has to tread carefully.

“You’ve finally made up, haven’t you? You’ve been so much friendlier recently,” Rachel says, and she’s smiling.

Kurt smiles back, trying to keep it as cool as possible. “Yeah. We’re fine.”

“Okay, since we have some time to kill and nothing to do, can you please finally tell me the whole story? You’ve been hinting at things, and so has Blaine, but I still have no idea how you two had a falling out and what happened.”

“Oh,” Kurt says, staring at the monitor in the back of the seat in front of him. He doesn’t know what to say to that, how to wiggle out of telling her anything. She has been surprisingly patient with them, but it must have a limit. “I, I think it would be better if Blaine was there for it, telling his side of things.”

“You make it sound like it was something huge that happened. As if you had a huge fight about something. But how can you fight about something when you’re barely friends? I mean – I don’t know, you went to stay with him once, and you continued to keep in touch after, but how can you argue? Blaine is like, the least confrontational person I know,” Rachel says, shaking her head a little.

Kurt ponders his options. He has to say something, but there is no way he’s telling her everything without Blaine there. “We got close,” he ends up with. “We just really clicked. We have enough in common to be good friends.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that. It just doesn’t explain the fight.”

Rachel has to shut up then, because the attendants are giving the safety spiel. Kurt sighs in relief. He’s safe, but not for long. Rachel will keep asking. Maybe Kurt can fake falling asleep soon enough to escape her questions.

In the end it’s the guy across the aisle from Rachel who saves Kurt as the plane takes off. He starts talking to Rachel, just like that, and he is a little sleazy with a wide smirk and squinty eyes, but Rachel likes the attention. Kurt lets them talk, preferring to look out the window instead. He’s good as long as Rachel is occupied and he won’t have to explain anything. Maybe this will take her mind off of Blaine. She is still very much in lust with Brody, but she also loves getting attention from people. A random guy in the plane she’s never going to see again can’t harm her here.

Before Kurt knows it, he’s asleep.

*

Even though Kurt slept on the plane, he’s still exhausted once the Berrys drop him and his suitcase off at home. It’s more than lovely to be home, without worry about chores or school for a while. His dad’s hug feels as homely as ever, warmth settling in Kurt’s core as he returns the gesture. Carole’s hug isn’t as familiar, but welcome nonetheless. Kurt leaves his suitcase right there by the door, too tired to care.

“It’s so nice to have you home, bud,” Burt says. “Did you want something to eat?”

“I think I’m too tired to eat,” Kurt says, shaking his head a little. “But there’s something I want to talk to you about.” He needs to tell his dad about Blaine. He needs to say it right now, because he will burst if he keeps it in.

“I’ll go watch tv, leave you two to talk,” Carole says and disappears into the living room.

Burt looks concerned as he moves to the kitchen. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, dad, don’t worry,” Kurt says with a smile. “Um. Blaine and I are back together.”

For an elongated moment, Burt just looks at him. Kurt presses his lips together and tries to hold still while he waits for a reaction. He has no idea what his dad will say. He knows that the age difference is still there, and on top of that, there’s the break up to consider. Kurt knows he freaked his dad out a little with how heartbroken he was back then.

“I guess it was only a matter of time. You were pretty sure about your feelings when we talked on Thanksgiving,” Burt says finally. “Is he coming to Lima for the break?”

Kurt nods. “Yeah. He’ll be here on Saturday.”

“I want him to come over for dinner before you leave again,” Burt says, and his tone is decisive.

“I’ll ask him. There’s a condition, though,” Kurt says. “I don’t want Finn there. He would talk to Rachel, and we haven’t broken the news to her yet. We want to tell her after the break, when we’re back in New York, and Finn would blabber to Rachel the moment dinner is done.” Kurt knows Rachel and Finn have been in touch every now and then, seemingly unable to not message each other. And this would be too big to stay quiet about.

“We’ll figure something out,” Burt says. “All these secrets are kind of foolish, though, Kurt. You hid the guy away last spring, and now you’re not telling Rachel though you’re all living together? I thought I raised an honest son.”

“Dad. You know how dramatic she is. And we’ve been trying to take it slow, we’ve been getting to know each other again.” Well, Kurt does pronounce the word try a little more than the others. What his dad doesn’t know won’t hurt him. They did _try_ to take it slowly. They just couldn’t. “We are coming clean to everyone after break.”

“You better,” is all Burt says.

The news is out now, and Kurt can finally head upstairs to sleep for at least ten hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you think! 
> 
> Feel free to visit my tumblr as well: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to childofillusions for practically researching the airport for me, and for reading a part of this chapter when I was feeling insecure about it. <3

Friday goes by fast. Kurt sleeps until eleven and enjoys having the empty house all to himself while Burt and Carole are at work. He hasn’t had this much space in months, and it’s soothing to just listen to silence and be alone. Then, it’s afternoon, and Carole gets home first, then Burt. Finn comes over, and they all have dinner together. Kurt is happy and light, and everything is fine in the world. It’s nice to hear how Finn is doing in college, and Finn is still keeping in touch with some of the glee clubbers Kurt hasn’t talked to after graduation, so there are news and gossip to share. Blaine was right when he said that a new life tends to sweep you away, Kurt thinks as Finn tells him about Tina’s adventures.

When Kurt is getting ready for bed that night his phone rings on the nightstand. His heart jumps, his mind flashes back to the spring. It’s Blaine – no one else would call him like this – and it is like they are back to before, when Kurt was still a high school senior and Blaine lived in Columbus, finishing college. They spoke on the phone every night, Kurt giddy between his sheets, unable to believe that Blaine was talking to him, that they were together. It feels a little silly to be so excited about a phone call, but Kurt can’t help the wide smile taking over his face as he answers. It’s a good kind of throwback. It makes his heart beat faster.

“Hello. This does not bring back any memories,” he laughs.

Blaine laughs at the other end. There’s something odd in the sound of it that Kurt can’t quite put his finger on. “I thought it would be a nice touch to wait until around this hour. How is Lima?”

“It’s what it has always been,” Kurt tells him. “I told dad about us, by the way. He wants you to come over for dinner.”

“Oh, wow. I think that can be arranged,” Blaine says. “I’m a little terrified, though.”

“It’s only my dad,” Kurt says, pulling the covers back and getting to bed.

“There’s no ‘only’ about that, Kurt. I know how much he means to you, and his opinion is important. I don’t think I am what he would want for his precious son.” There _is_ something odd in Blaine’s tone.

“Blaine.” Kurt rolls his eyes at the ceiling as he settles under the covers. “Dad knows how I feel, and he respects it, too, so don’t worry so much. Is everything okay?”

“What? Why?”

“You sound off.”

There’s a self-deprecating laugh. “I never told you that I don’t deal well being alone for longer periods of time, did I?”

“No. But I like to think I know you well enough by now,” Kurt tells him. “It’s okay, you know that, right? You’re okay. You’re coming to Lima tomorrow, and see your dads, and we’ll meet right after Christmas.”

“I know. This apartment is just so _quiet_. There are too many hours in the evening without you and Rachel here. It has only been a day, and I was at work today, but… please don’t regret us trying again? I’m doing my best.”

“Blaine,” Kurt sighs, feeling tired and sad. “I do not regret you. I never could. Stop thinking too much, you’ll end up in a bad place.”

“Yeah, okay.” Kurt can hear Blaine swallowing.

“I don’t think I’m convinced yet.”

“I don’t think I convinced myself,” Blaine answers.

“Talk to me,” Kurt says. “Tell me what’s going on. If there is any way I can help you, I will.”

“No, Kurt – I don’t want to pour my stupid stuff on you. This is my hill to climb. Today is not a good day, but maybe tomorrow will be. I just called to hear your voice, not to whine about how awful I feel right now. I know there is no sense in how I feel.”

“How _do_ you feel?” Kurt asks, shifting from his back to his side, trapping the phone between his pillow and his cheek. He wants Blaine to be able to talk to him. They need to be open with each other, or they will never succeed as a couple. If Kurt learned anything last spring, he learned that. They can’t keep stuff to themselves just because it’s scary or feels like too much. That’s why Blaine felt the need to break up with Kurt. They didn’t know what the other wanted.

Blaine sighs. “I feel like an idiot. I’m sad, and lonely, and I miss you. I keep thinking about all the things I put you through, how wrong that was. How wrong I am, just barging back into your life like I did, practically demanding you back. I should let you live your life and find something better. You deserve someone who doesn’t crumble after a night alone.”

“Remember what I told you just a week ago?” Kurt asks softly. “I told you that your issues won’t get in the way if we don’t let them. This feels like you’re letting them come between us.”

“I… I guess you’re right. I don’t like it, but, yeah.” Blaine sounds frustrated and a little choked up. “You’re right.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Kurt says next.

“Sure?”

“I was not exactly enjoying my life before you moved in. I was keeping myself busy, and yeah, there were some really good moments. I had convinced myself I was happy. Still, if you hadn’t moved in, if that hadn’t forced me to face that I wasn’t over you… I guess I would have kept on running. I would have burned out trying to avoid my feelings for you,” Kurt says, and it’s a revelation. He hasn’t really thought about that before now, but every word of it is true. He was running. He was avoiding. He was clinging on to Blaine by not thinking about him at all, by not letting himself go on. And, he knows he’s young and Blaine is his first love, but Blaine feels permanent. “You’re supposed to be in my life. You’re mine, no matter how you feel about it.”

“I love it,” Blaine says. “I love you.”

“And, Blaine – this is you thinking you know everything. Like you did last spring. You don’t know how it would be for me without you. Would it be better? Maybe. But it might also be a lot worse. We don’t know. The only thing that counts is what we choose, and I choose to be with you. That is what I want, that’s what I decide.” Kurt tries to sound as determined as possible. He wants Blaine. There is no question about that, and he doesn’t want Blaine to ever question it, either.

“When did you get so wise, young man?” Blaine asks, and there’s soft humor in his voice now, so much better than the odd, hollow tone.

“I guess you make me think about things,” Kurt says, flirting a little, because he can, and because Blaine needs it.

“Oh, I can’t take credit for what you just said. That’s all you and your brilliant mind, Kurt.”

“Are you feeling better?” Kurt asks. He needs Blaine to be better, he needs Blaine to understand that they are in this together.

“Yes. You have that effect on me.”

“See, that’s why we are good for each other. You make me wise, and I make you feel better.”

Blaine laughs, sounding more genuine already. “Oh, Kurt. You’re adorable.”

*

Kurt

What time are you flying in today?

Blaine

_I’m landing at 3 pm_

_Why?_

Kurt

Wondering if we have time to see each other

Blaine

_I’ll be in Lima around 6, I have to rent a car_

_I guess I’ll need to spend some time with dads_

_So not sure there’s time today, maybe tomorrow?_

Kurt

Okay

It’s only ten in the morning. Kurt takes a sip of his coffee and contemplates. If Blaine’s plane lands at three, Kurt has more than enough time to drive to Columbus to pick him up. It should be ridiculous how much he wants to just see Blaine and spend time with him. They saw each other the day before yesterday! It still feels like an eternity, now that Kurt has grown used to having Blaine around. Driving Blaine home would be such a nice thing. No Rachel to interrupt them, and the driving there to distract them enough from each other to have a real conversation.

“Dad?” Kurt calls to the living room, where Burt and Carole are sitting. “Can I take the car for the day?”

“Sure,” Burt answers. “Where are you going?”

“I want to pick Blaine up from the airport,” Kurt says and tries to ignore how saying it makes him flush. His dad knows about Blaine, and Kurt has no intention of hiding their relationship anymore from anyone other than Rachel. Still, the secrecy from last spring sits deep, and somehow it feels almost embarrassing to talk to his dad about his boyfriend so casually. It’s new, since Kurt barely got a taste of it last spring before it all collapsed.

“Alright. Is he coming over?”

“Not today, dad, he has to travel and he’ll be tired. After Christmas, okay?” Kurt knows for a fact that Blaine needs to mentally prepare for meeting Burt, and he wants to give his boyfriend that chance.

“Okay, okay, just asking.”

*

Kurt pulls into the parking lot of the Port Columbus at a quarter to three. His nerves are flaring up as he parks the car and steps out to walk towards the baggage claim. He hopes Blaine approves of this surprise. He thinks Blaine will be happy to see him, though. They are both romantics, and isn’t it at least somewhat romantic to surprise a boyfriend at an airport? And then there is the other problem – how will they ever spot each other? It would be a nightmare for Blaine to just walk right past Kurt without either of them noticing, and Kurt would have made the drive for nothing. It is holiday season, and there are quite a lot of people waiting for their loved ones by the baggage claim once Kurt gets in. The space is pretty crowded, a chatter filling the air, and a ton of black, generic coats on people making everyone look pretty similar. Kurt sighs and resolves to find Blaine, and make sure Blaine sees him, too.

Waiting is awful. Kurt can’t help fidgeting, eyes trained on the people walking to the baggage claim. Other planes must have just landed not too long ago, since there are two throngs of people on two different carousels. The baggage claim area gets a little emptier as one of the carousels gives out all the baggage, and only keeps rounding one single brown suitcase. Kurt tries not to focus on that. He needs to see when Blaine comes in, he needs to go to him before they completely miss each other. It’s more nerve-wracking than he could have ever thought.

Another rush of people comes through, and Kurt holds his breath. His eyes rake over the people, and then he spots a familiar red scarf. Blaine. He looks tired, and he, too, is wearing a black overcoat. Kurt pushes past an older couple standing in front of him, and strides towards his boyfriend. His heart is beating faster, and he’s almost giddy – he is picking up his boyfriend from the airport. It’s the little things that still get to him sometimes, the little things that make him feel just like he felt last spring, during all the firsts with Blaine.

Kurt sees the moment Blaine notices him. He takes in the people there as he walks towards a carousel, and then he stops on his tracks to do a double-take. Their eyes meet, and Blaine smiles. It’s a little tired and muted, but wide, and Kurt loves him. He speeds up his steps until he’s standing right in front of Blaine.

“Hey.”

“Kurt,” Blaine sighs and opens his arms, pulling Kurt into a hug. Kurt presses into him, breathing in the fruity smell of Blaine’s hair gel. He wants to kiss Blaine so badly, but he isn’t one for public affection. He’ll kiss Blaine once they get to the car.

“How… how are you here?” Blaine asks as he pulls away.

“I wanted to see you, and by driving you, I get a couple of hours of uninterrupted time with you.”

“Good thinking,” Blaine smiles, leaning into Kurt’s shoulder a little. “Let’s get my suitcase!”

Luckily, Blaine’s bag is one of the first to arrive on the carousel, and they can get going. Blaine offers his free hand to Kurt as they turn towards the doors, and Kurt takes it without a moment’s hesitation. They haven’t had many chances to hold hands like this yet. It’s nice, despite the cold, kind of gloomy weather that greets them outside.

“So, how’s your family?” Blaine asks.

“They’re fine. Finn came home yesterday, and dad seems happy to have us all there. How are you?” Kurt asks in turn. “You weren’t so good last night.”

Blaine huffs out a laugh that creates a puff of white into the air. “I’m all better now that I’m here, with you. I did not expect to see you so soon – it’s lovely that you came to get me.”

“I thought you might be happy to see me,” Kurt preens as they reach the car. He opens the trunk, and Blaine lifts his suitcase there.

“But, for real,” Kurt continues, closing the trunk and turning to face Blaine. “Are you okay?”

Blaine nods. “Yeah. I don’t deal well with longer periods all alone. I tend to get into my head, and it’s not that pretty there. But today is a lot better, no matter how stressful traveling can be. I’m here, you’re with me, I’m going to see dads after a while. So I’m okay now. This is what my life is.”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt says.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” Blaine says, and his eyes are calm now. There are no ghosts lurking beneath the surface, at least not close enough to see them. Kurt guesses they are always there, anyway.

“I know. It just makes me feel so helpless,” Kurt confesses. He wants to help, he wants Blaine to feel better.

“Kurt, this is who I am. I’m trying to work on being better. Let’s get going?”

“Yeah, yeah. Let me kiss you hello first?”

Blaine nods with a smile and leans up. Kurt places a short, chaste kiss on his lips. It’s too cold to really get into it, so a small kiss has to do. Blaine looks happy with it as they part. He rubs a gloved hand down Kurt’s bicep.

“I’m so happy you’re here.”

It’s nice to start up the car and drive off, because the car warms up fast. Kurt hadn’t realized how cold it was outside. Blaine is smart for wearing his coat. Kurt’s own coat is a little too light in the freezing temperature. They might even get snow later on, seeing how the sky is overcast. Kurt sets towards Lima and relaxes a little in his seat.

“I told dad that you’re coming to dinner after Christmas,” Kurt says. “Is that okay? We can agree on the exact date later.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. He really wants to meet me, huh?” Kurt can feel Blaine looking at him, and he glances over to see a small smile on Blaine’s face.

“He does,” Kurt says. “He wanted me to invite you over last spring, after he found us together. But then, you weren’t in Lima for a long time, and. Well. Next you time you were there, you dumped me.” The words still hurt. Kurt wonders if the pain will ever leave completely, or if that part of their relationship will always be sore.

“You know why I did what I did, Kurt,” Blaine says softly.

“Yeah. You told me,” Kurt answers, eyes fixed on the road ahead. The old anger is starting to emerge, an anger he thought he had let go of. “And I’ve forgiven you.”

“Have you, really?”

“It still hurts to think about,” Kurt admits, “but you’re forgiven.”

“I know it’s wrong, what I did to us. I know I hurt you, and I hate myself for it.”

“It was hell, Blaine,” Kurt interrupts. He hasn’t really told Blaine how he felt back then, too conscious about how it might open up wounds, too aware of how painful the subject is. Blaine has apologized, and mostly Kurt has forgiven him. But they have been too wrapped up in how Blaine felt, what he thought was right, that they haven’t talked about Kurt’s side of things much. “It was terrible. I spent two days in bed, my dad practically force-feeding me. I felt like a zombie at school, at the end of _my senior year_ , during my last days with my friends. You ruined all of that for me.”

“I…”

“No, I don’t need your words. I just want you to know exactly how much you hurt me. How much you took from me when you took yourself away from my life. I was so in love, Blaine. I had this notion of us being forever, and then you just shattered it in one conversation.” Kurt realizes he’s holding on to the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles have gone white. He tries to relax them, but it doesn’t really work.

“Kurt, I want us to be forever, you know that. I already wanted it then. It seemed to me that you didn’t.”

It hurts. It hurts really badly, even after all this time, and Kurt hates that he is having _this_ conversation while driving. He grinds his teeth together. “Of course I did.”

“I told you this before. You were completely wrapped up in all things New York, and I get it. You had every right to be excited.” Blaine is staring right ahead through the windshield. His arms are curled in front of his torso, like he’s holding himself together physically.

“Yes, I did! And you took a lot of that excitement away from me.” Kurt knows his tone is a tad too accusatory, but he can’t help it.

Blaine takes a deep breath. “I’m so sorry about that. It doesn’t excuse what I did, but you deserve to know: I felt like you were forgetting me, even though I understood your enthusiasm about your new life. So, I thought it would be for the best if you could start from a clean slate. You know all this. I told you before.”

“Knowing it doesn’t make it hurt any less,” Kurt grinds out.

“Sweetheart. I know.”

“Do you?” Kurt asks, actually mad now. How could Blaine ever know? “You aren’t me. You don’t know how it felt. It was like a part of my soul was gone, it hurt so deeply. You just… asked me to come over and told me that you don’t want me anymore.”

“I never said I don’t want you!” Blaine’s voice raises and his closed-off position opens up a little. “I’ve always wanted you, Kurt, always. Ever since you came to my door crying because of a lost first kiss, I’ve wanted to keep you safe and kiss it better. I know, you were way too young back then, and I’m a disgusting individual, but I have never not wanted you.”

That shocks Kurt a little, gets him out of his red-tinted anger. He glances at Blaine again. He doesn’t know what to say. Blaine did tell him once, back when they started for the first time, that seeing Kurt after the mess with Karofsky was significant. Kurt can’t remember exactly, but he knows that the words were much more romantic the first time around. Something about Kurt stealing a piece of Blaine’s heart, he thinks as he tries to call the memory back.

“I can see why you would have felt like that, though,” Blaine says softly into the silence, deflating and turning small. “I did break up with you. But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t want you. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. I just felt like you would be better off without me.”

“I wasn’t,” Kurt answers, his anger drained out. Now he’s just tired of this conversation. He tries to focus on the road ahead, focus on driving. “I was lost. At first, I didn’t know which way was up. Then I kind of got myself back together, threw myself into the change. I auditioned to the movie because I wanted to, but I think a part of me also needed the busy schedule I knew it would give me. I was always going somewhere, I had lines to learn or homework to do. I had no time to think about how I felt. Only you coming back changed that, and made me realize I wasn’t happy like I pretended to be.”

“Aren’t we a pair,” Blaine sighs. Kurt glances over to see his body language has relaxed a little. “I – don’t hate me for saying this, but full honesty is important. Sometimes, on my worse days, I hope we had never met. Because I feel like you could be so much happier that way.”

“Blaine,” Kurt warns, squeezing the wheel. “You are assuming things again. You have no idea what could have been. Things are as they are, and there’s no worth in thinking like that. Do not hurt me again, you hear me? Do not make decisions without me, when they concern the both of us. I want you, too, you know. I want us to be together. Period. No ifs, no buts, nothing. Just us, together.”

Kurt can see Blaine nodding from the corner of his eye. “Yeah, I can do that. Thank you, for being you. For putting me in my place, and still letting me be who I am.”

“I’m happy to be that person for you,” Kurt says. He means it. He might get angry at how Blaine’s mind works sometimes, but he will gladly be there to call him out on it for the rest of his life.

“Kurt – you do realize there is no one on this earth I’ve opened up to, no one I dare to say these things to, other than you? You’re the only one. You’re the only one I don’t hide from, the only one to see the ugliest side of me.”

Kurt takes a turn that’ll lead them to the highway. “Is that why no one ever gets close to you? Everyone around knows of you, but you have all these hidden sides to you. Rachel knew nothing of your tattoos. Elliott didn’t know you have a sister. Both of them really like and care about you. You need to let people in. You might be surprised.”

Blaine laughs, one of those odd laughs that aren’t exactly happy. They are just sounds, a reaction. “They would hate me if they knew the truth. Better have them keep the idea of me they have instead.”

“Are you serious? Blaine – you are loveable. You care about people, you want to help. You are genuinely passionate, generous and kind. That’s rare.”

“I do try,” Blaine says. “And I love you.”

“Love you too,” Kurt offers back. They fall into a silence that’s not quite relaxed, but not quite tense, either. Kurt makes conscious effort to unclench his hands again. They are fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again - I love to hear your thoughts! 
> 
> I am also on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been editing, and editing, and editing. I'm still not completely happy with this chapter, but I hope you enjoy nonetheless :)

It’s Christmastime. Kurt helps his parents to clean up and get groceries. Finn tries to help, too, but he’s demoted to driving duty after he dropped a carton of eggs in the parking lot. It’s nice, though, to do this all together. It feels like a real family, even though neither Kurt nor Finn really lives at home, and they’ve never been brotherly. Somehow it feels more like Christmas than many years before have, when it was just Kurt and his dad. It’s fun, in a new way, to have more people around. The house feels fuller, warmer, more festive. The decorations are there for fun, not because they have to be, or to keep up pretenses. It is a little hard, still, not to have his mom there, but the ache is more distant than ever during the holiday.

In between preparations, Kurt texts Blaine. Every time he has a moment to himself, he’s on his phone. Things felt a little tentative after their conversation in the car, but soon enough everything returns to normal. Kurt longs to actually see Blaine, but there is too much to do to escape the house. He talks to Blaine about the preparations, and Blaine shares about his dads going overboard with food now that both their kids are home after so long. They talk about the holiday. Kurt learns that Blaine is a little torn about the whole thing. The Berrys are Jewish, so they don’t celebrate Christmas, but Blaine remembers the Christmases from his childhood, before he was placed with the Berrys. Kurt reads between the lines that if Blaine could choose, he’d just not celebrate anything. Apparently the Christmases of Blaine’s early childhood are not a happy memory, and Hanukkah feels distant to him. In the end Kurt settles on telling him to enjoy the food and forget about religion altogether. That’s what Kurt himself does – he likes to have his family close, he likes the presents and the food and the general atmosphere of Christmas, but he is not religious.

Days go by fast. At first, they’re busy with the food and decorating the house and getting last-minute gifts – Kurt finds Blaine a songbook that he’s sure will come in handy with the kids Blaine teaches. He also writes Blaine a card, promising him some quality time alone once they are back in New York and can have the loft to themselves.

Then, just like that, it’s Christmas day, gifts are being opened, holiday movies are on the tv, and there’s food for an entire army. Finn makes a valiant effort with eating almost half of the food, and ends up lying on the couch in a gluttony-induced coma while Kurt, Burt and Carole watch The Grinch.

It’s by far one of the best Christmases Kurt remembers.

*

On the 27th is the dinner Burt insisted on and Kurt dreads, though he’s sure he isn’t half as apprehensive about it as Blaine. It feels like a huge thing, having his boyfriend over for dinner for the first time, the official meeting the parents. Or in this case, parent. Carole and Finn are going to visit Carole’s sister that day, and Kurt is not sure if it makes things easier or not. He’s glad Finn won’t be there, but he would have liked Carole as a buffer. She’s good at toning down Burt, and she has a knack for making people feel at ease around her. Blaine would have loved her, too. Kurt tells himself they’ll get plenty of chances later, all of them.

“Be nice,” Kurt says to his dad, again, as clock nears six, their agreed time. They are sitting in the living room, just biding time. Food is in the oven, salad is freshly made, and the table is set. Everything is ready for Blaine to arrive. To say that Kurt is nervous is an understatement. He can’t quite sit still.

“What, I’m always nice,” Burt says with a smile on his face.

“Dad! I know how intimidating you can be, so please, just tone it down and let Blaine off the hook. Alright?”

“Kurt, take it easy,” Burt says. “I know how to behave.”

The doorbell rings, and Kurt’s heart jumps. Blaine is here. Kurt takes a deep breath and levels his dad a look. “You better behave, then. If you scare him too badly, I’ll never forgive you.” Without waiting for an answer he gets up and goes to open the door. He is only half-serious with his threat to his dad, but this meeting makes him sweat. His dad and Blaine are by far the most important people of his life, and they have to get along. They have met before, but at the time, Burt did not know Blaine was Kurt’s boyfriend.

Kurt opens the door and is greeted with a small bouquet of roses and Blaine’s smile. His hair is a little more gelled than it has been lately, and Kurt knows Blaine is looking for control.

“Hi!” Kurt smiles back, maybe it’s a little too wide, but he’s happy to see Blaine and too anxious to telegraph that everything will be fine.

“Good evening,” Blaine says smoothly and leans in to press a small kiss on Kurt’s cheek before handing him the flowers. “These are for you.”

“Thank you. Come on in.” Kurt knows they both are being weirdly formal, but this is so new. Kurt has never been in this situation before, his boyfriend meeting his dad. He has no idea how to act around the two of them at the same time. He also knows that it’s been about five years since Blaine last met anyone’s parents for the first time.

“Welcome, Blaine” Burt says, standing by the kitchen doorway as Blaine steps in. Kurt notices how Blaine straightens his spine and lifts his chin.

“Thank you for having me, sir.”

“None of that now. I’m Burt.”

They shake hands, and Kurt stands next to them, flowers in his hands, biting his lip out of nervousness. He doesn’t want to leave Blaine’s side, but he knows he has to find a vase for the flowers and take the food out of the oven.

“We can go sit, the food should be ready,” he says, gives Blaine a look and goes to put the flowers away.

*

“So, Blaine, Kurt tells me you’re a teacher?” Burt begins as they have settled around the table and everyone has food on their plate. Kurt made a simple casserole for dinner. There’s still some leftovers from Christmas in the fridge, but he is done with eating holiday food for another year by now. He wanted something different tonight.

“Yes. I teach music in a middle school. It’s not a permanent position yet, I’m only filling in during a maternity leave, but I love it,” Blaine says.

Kurt smiles at his plate. Blaine does love his job, and those kids. It’s a good conversation starter, it will relax them all, and Kurt knows that Blaine could go on endlessly about his students.

“How did you get into teaching, then?” Burt goes on.

“I really like music. It’s a part of who I am, playing and arranging and performing. Teaching started to interest me when I was in high school and started tutoring kids, giving them piano lessons. Only then it dawned on me how much I enjoy working with children and watching them learn. So, here I am,” Blaine says and smiles. He seems to be breathing easier, and the polite, distant formality has mostly fallen off of him. Kurt feels warm just looking at him. This is the Blaine he loves most – passionate, eloquent, sophisticated.

Burt chuckles and Kurt knows his heart-eyes are noticed.

“I’m glad you’ve found what makes you happy,” Burt tells Blaine, and it seems sincere.

“I can tell you I’ve never been happier, Burt,” Blaine says easily. “I like my job, I like the kids I teach, and I have Kurt by my side.”

Kurt looks into caramel brown eyes over the table, and his breath catches. They have exchanged several I love yous by now, but still it sometimes catches him off guard how much Blaine feels for him. Sometimes it’s just so clear in his eyes and on his face that he practically shines with it. Kurt is sure and secure in his own feelings, and he knows they are reciprocated. Still, in moments like this one, he feels overcome. Blaine loves deeply and intensely, like he feels everything, and to be in the receiving end of that kind of attention is breathtaking. Especially now, right in front of his dad. It’s a little much to handle.

“You two seem to be happy together,” Burt observes after a moment.

“We are,” Kurt says as Blaine blinks and looks away.

“Even though there’s a clear age difference there.”

Oh, here they go. Kurt rolls his eyes and sets his fork down. “Dad…”

“Yes, there is an age difference, but I don’t think it’s a defining factor in what we are to each other,” Blaine says. His spine is straight, and he is bravely meeting Burt’s eye. “Your son is amazing. I’m not with him because of his age. I respect him, and I find him infinitely interesting. He is smart, talented, and determined, and I see him as my equal in every way.”

Burt leans his elbows on the table. “I respect that, but the thing is, he is not exactly your equal in everything. Kurt is nineteen, he just moved away from home for the first time a few months ago. Kurt is only learning to live as an adult. You’ve had that for years now.”

“Dad, I don’t think this is necessary,” Kurt says loudly. “Besides, I am right here!”

“No, Kurt, I think it is,” his dad counters.

“I have been doing my best to be good,” Blaine says before Kurt can continue. “That’s all I can offer. I am not in this because Kurt is younger, because, what? That might make him an easier target, or whatever you are getting at, with all respect. I get that you worry about him, but you should trust him. He knows his own mind, and I have not pushed him into this.”

“You hurt him pretty badly last spring.”

Blaine swallows, looks away. Kurt longs to reach out for him, but he is sitting on the other side of the table. “Dad, this is too much…”

“I know I did,” Blaine says then, looking at Burt again, facing him head on. “We have talked through it, and we will continue to, until everything has been cleared out. I did wrong, but I’ll do my best to never hurt Kurt like that again.”

“I’ve forgiven him, dad,” Kurt pipes in. He is done with this line of conversation. “We’ve talked it out, we are fine. Can you let it go?” He feels flushed and uncomfortable with his confession, but he refuses to hide or cover. He is with Blaine, and his dad just has to accept it.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s fine. You two take care of each other, you hear me?” Burt looks at them both with a serious expression on his face.

After that, the dinner is a success. There is a slight awkwardness at first, but once they get past it, the conversation shifts and flows. Burt talks about his garage a little, Kurt shares some anecdotes from school and Blaine relaxes more and more. As they are finishing the meal, Kurt tunes out happily while his dad and boyfriend debate college football. Kurt feels light with how things are going now. It’s almost too good to be true. The two most important people in his life get along and have something in common outside of Kurt, something they can build on. It means the world. It means the future will be easier, that these kinds of dinners won’t be something to fear, but something to look forward to. Kurt can’t quite believe how lucky he is.

Kurt tells Blaine as much as he’s putting on his coat. “You really sealed the deal with all the football talk.”

Blaine smiles, and it’s a true smile this time, there’s no trace of nervousness or hesitance. “I enjoyed that talk, and this dinner, at least mostly. Your dad is a little intimidating, but every bit as amazing as you’ve been saying. Though, it should be obvious, given that he has raised you, and _you’re_ all kinds of amazing.”

“Blaine,” Kurt complains, feeling heat rising on his face. He can’t help the beaming smile.

Blaine digs out his gloves from his coat’s pockets before turning more towards Kurt. “I had a lovely time. Thank you.”

Kurt steps right into Blaine’s space. He knows his dad is just over in the living room, but he doesn’t care. He is an adult, and Blaine is his boyfriend, and if he wants, he is allowed to kiss him. His heart might be racing because he really isn’t one for public kisses, and it is his _dad_ , but he has to kiss Blaine or he will die. So he does. He leans in and presses his lips on Blaine’s. Blaine welcomes him in, the hand holding the gloves grabs on Kurt’s waist, the other is placed gently on his cheek.

They keep it short, but Kurt doesn’t let Blaine too far away once the break apart. They stand there, breathing the same air, foreheads pressing together. Kurt doesn’t want Blaine to go. They will see each other in a couple of short days when they fly back to New York, but Kurt has grown used to having Blaine right there, constantly. These few days apart have felt weird.

“I’ll see you at the airport,” Blaine whispers, and Kurt shivers as he feels the words on his skin.

“Yeah. I’ll text you.”

“Please, do,” Blaine says, presses a close-mouthed kiss on the corner of Kurt’s mouth and steps away.

Kurt opens the door for him into the dark evening. They share one last look before Blaine walks down the porch stairs and to his car. Kurt leans on the doorframe and waits until Blaine has driven off. It’s dumb how smitten he is, after everything, but tonight was magical. He sighs as he closes the door.

Burt clears his throat loudly, and Kurt jumps.

“So,” Burt starts. He’s standing by the living room doorway, arms crossed over his chest, half-amused look on his face.

“So,” Kurt repeats, trying to ignore how his face is heating up.

“That was Blaine, then.”

Kurt nods, unable to look at his dad.

“He’s a charmer, isn’t he?” There’s no reading Burt’s tone, not really.

“What do you mean by that?” Kurt challenges.

“Nothing, no need to get mad at me!” Burt laughs. “I like him. He is a little old for you, still, but he seems respectful enough. He is treating you right, isn’t he?”

Kurt nods. “Yes, dad, he always has. Just like he told you.”

Burt copies his nod. “Let’s go sit down, okay? I want to talk to you.”

“We are talking,” Kurt says, instantly wary. His dad seems a little on edge, suddenly, his face more serious.

“Just, come on,” Burt says, waving his hand in a summoning motion. Kurt follows him to the living room and sits on the couch as Burt takes the armchair.

A tense silence falls between them. Burt is leaning on his thighs, clearly thinking how to best approach the subject he wants to bring up. Kurt feels dread rising up his spine, and he fidgets a little. Why his dad can’t just say it, get it over with? Whatever it is, it’s making Burt a little anxious, and that feeling is infecting Kurt, too.

“You seem really comfortable around him, physically,” Burt begins. “I did see that little display by the door.”

Kurt blushes violently, and starts to get up from the couch. No. He is not ready for this conversation, he never will be. They don’t need to have this talk at all.

“Sit down and listen to me,” Burt says, a little harsh, not leaving Kurt any options. Kurt sits, spine rigid, shoulders tense, mouth a thin line. He glares at his dad, making his opinion on this talk very clear.

“I’m your dad, Kurt, I’m supposed to talk to you about this stuff. I don’t like this any more than you do,” Burt continues. “I just want you to be okay, I want to you take care of yourself out there. You may technically be an adult, but you’re still young, and I’m only looking after you. You and Blaine, you’re being… active, already?”

“Yes.” Kurt stares right ahead, trying to fight the blush he can feel coloring his cheeks. He doesn’t want to tell his dad how long they have been “active”.

“You know that you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, right? You need to be honest with him, and yourself. Sex feels nice, but it’s more than that. It’s intimate, and it makes you vulnerable. I don’t want you to move too fast and regret it later, just because your partner is older and more experienced. I don’t want you to feel pressured into something. Sex is never only about having fun, Kurt. It is fun, of course, but it does something to you. You should not be doing it just because. What you feel, what you want or don’t want, is important. You matter, Kurt.”

“Blaine has never pressured me,” Kurt defends. His ears are burning, he wants to disappear. “He has been so good to me, and he has never made me feel uncomfortable, not once.”

Burt nods. “That’s good. And if he ever does, let him know it. Take care of yourself.”

“I know how to look after myself, dad.” Kurt still can’t look his father in the eye. It was awkward enough when Blaine was going on about what Kurt might be comfortable with, when he was making Kurt talk about sex. Still, it was nothing compared to this. Kurt doesn’t feel like his sexuality is something he wants to talk about with his dad. His dad knows that he has been doing stuff with Blaine, and it’s mortifying. On some level he understands, and respects his dad for bringing it up, but the embarrassment wins over. If his dad knew even half of what they’ve done together, what went on behind his back last spring, in this very house sometimes… Kurt does not want to think about it. Those are two separate parts of his life, and this is way too much.

“I’m just saying, keep looking after yourself in the future, too. I guess I should have sat you down earlier with this.”

“You mean before Blaine?” Kurt asks, a little bitter. He doesn’t want to tell his dad how late he is, if he wanted to give Kurt the talk before Kurt ever experienced anything.

“Yeah. I should have given you something to prepare yourself with, so you didn’t have to go into a relationship blind. Especially when he is so much older than you,” Burt points out.

Kurt doesn’t think the timing of this conversation would have changed anything. “Blaine is very respectful and he listens to me. He has, since the very beginning. Can we be done now?”

“Okay, okay. I won’t keep you any longer.”

Kurt gets up to go upstairs. He needs a moment to himself, to get over the embarrassment. He stops before he gets to the stairs, though. “Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” He needs to say it, even though he doesn’t completely feel it. His dad bringing this up only means that he cares. Kurt knows he is fortunate, that his dad is one of a kind.

Knowing that does not erase the humiliation he feels, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! Your comments make my day. 
> 
> And if you're on tumblr, you can come see me there: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter, sorry about that!

Rachel is energetic and all over the place as Kurt meets her and Blaine at the airport. A week without her company was a needed break, but it’s nice to see her again. Kurt has become used to having her around. But, with Rachel there, interactions with Blaine are very limited. Kurt longs to go for a hug and a kiss. Blaine looks so nice, and there’s no over-abundance of gel in his hair – just enough to keep the curls back a little. Kurt just really wants to kiss him, but he has to be fine with sharing a long look over Rachel’s head as she chatters about everything she needs to do when they get back to New York. She has had a nice time with her family, but she is more than ready to get back to her city life.

“I made plans with Brody,” she says as they head towards the security check, her arm woven around Kurt’s.

“Okay,” Kurt says, quietly hopeful at her confession.

“I’m going to see him tonight, and I’ll stay over for the night. A week without him feels like an eternity – though of course we texted a lot during the separation. But anyway, I hope you’re not too mad because I’m not home on our first night back.”

“No, of course, go see him,” Kurt reassures her with a smile. This is the best possible news. He gets to be alone with Blaine. Kurt can’t stop himself from throwing an excited look over his shoulder at Blaine, who is walking behind them. Blaine smiles back and winks, and Kurt’s belly swoops a little.

“I’m so glad this doesn’t bother you,” Rachel says.

“We will see each other enough anyway, Rachel. We do live together,” Kurt reminds her.

Rachel shrugs and smiles. “I guess you’re right. It’s just weird to abandon you right away, after not seeing each other.”

“I won’t be alone,” Kurt says. “Blaine’s there, too.”

“At least there’s that,” Rachel agrees. “But I want to have lunch with you tomorrow. Let’s go out somewhere, just us, we haven’t done that in a long while.”

“That little café close to campus with the exceptional salads?” Kurt suggests.

“Oh, yes! That will totally be worth the subway ride. It’s a date!”

*

The flight is uneventful. Kurt would have liked to sit with Blaine, but Rachel kept talking his ear off and insisted that Blaine can sit on the other side of the aisle. Kurt gave in with a sigh, and didn’t pay attention to Rachel’s curious look. He likes to hear about her holiday, though. He tells her about Finn in exchange, and notes happily that she doesn’t look quite as curious and heartbroken as she did after Thanksgiving.

Kurt is glad when they finally get home. Traveling is tiring, even though they were on an early flight. It feels like a whole day has passed since he hugged his dad bye at the airport parking lot, but it’s only been a few hours. He plops down on the couch, stretches out his legs, and closes his eyes. His luggage can wait for a moment before he unpacks. Just for a moment, though, because a suitcase is not a place for long-term storage.

“Rachel, are you going to eat with us, or are you leaving right away?” Blaine asks, taking off his coat.

“I’ll just unpack real quick, change my clothes and be on my way,” Rachel says, walking behind the couch to get to her own area. “I told Brody I’d go over as soon as possible.”

“So lovesick,” Blaine teases.

“More like horny,” Kurt comments, leaning his head on the back of the couch.

“Kurt!” Rachel screeches from behind her curtains at the same time as Blaine groans.

“Kurt, no, she’s my little sister, I don’t need that thought in my head! For me, she’s still ten and innocent and dressed in a pink tutu for ballet.”

Kurt can’t help but snicker at that.

“That is unfair!” Rachel peeks between the drapes to stare at her brother. “I’m 18 and living on my own! I’m in college!”

Blaine laughs. It’s a nice sound, warm and easy. Kurt could listen to it forever. “I know that! But I don’t want to _know_ that you’re a college girl now. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just holding hands with Brody all night, and that’s it.”

“Fine by me,” Rachel sing-songs and disappears again. “You never tell me about your boys, so I won’t tell you about mine.”

Kurt has to turn to look at Blaine at that one. Blaine stands in the middle of the loft, next to his suitcase, covering his face with his hand. Even though he looks a little mortified, Kurt can’t help but linger on his form. Blaine looks so good in tight jeans and his hair less gelled down. His shirt is pretty fitting, too, clinging to his chest and arms.

Blaine notices Kurt’s gaze and shakes his head before calling out to Rachel. “Trust me, Rach, you really don’t want to hear about my boys.”

Kurt gives Blaine an evil smirk. He gets a thrill out of this particular game. He knows that their time is up, that they really need to tell Rachel about their relationship. This might be the last time he feels that spark of having something huge hidden from Rachel right under her nose. Maybe it’s wrong to get such a kick out of a secret, but he can’t help himself. He likes the danger of it.

Blaine walks over to him, cards a careful hand through Kurt’s hair, and Kurt leans into the touch. Usually he’d complain about his hair getting messed up, but this is Blaine. Blaine’s touch is always welcome. And Rachel is right there, right behind a flimsy curtain, while Blaine is touching him. It’s all innocent, but it would still be incriminating if Rachel decided to walk into the living area now. The touch is gentle, intimate; loving in its simplicity. Blaine’s eyes are dark and intent as he looks at Kurt, and oh, how Kurt loves him. It’s still unreal that this man is his. Kurt lifts his chin a little, silently begging for a kiss. Blaine rolls his eyes but leans in and presses a kiss on Kurt’s lips. It’s short, but full of promise. They’ll have all night together.

“But Blaine, I do want to hear. You’ve never really spoken of your boyfriends, but I think we’re closer now, aren’t we? No details, thanks, but, like, I want the basics,” Rachel says, oblivious, still behind her curtain.

Blaine clears his throat. “I…”

“Ooh! Hold that thought, I’ll be out in a second!” Rachel sounds interested all of a sudden.

Kurt blinks up at Blaine. Blaine bites his lip and lifts his eyebrows in question. Kurt swallows, unsure – this is so soon. It is something they need to tell Rachel. But right now? Right now seems like too soon. He wants to keep this to just the two of them, just a little longer. He doesn’t know why. He shakes his head at Blaine, mouthing the words “not yet”.

Blaine barely has time to step away from Kurt and the couch when Rachel steps out from behind her curtains and walks over to her brother. She’s dressed in a short black dress and she’s carrying an overnight bag. There’s a glint in her eye, and she will get some answers if her face is anything to go by. Kurt quickly turns to stare at his own toes. He will gladly let Blaine handle this one.

“So, tell me. Do you have someone?”

“Rachel…”

“No stalling! There is someone, isn’t there?” Rachel jumps in place, her heels knocking at the floor loudly.

“There might be,” Blaine relents, voice low, warm, and happy. It makes Kurt warm all over, too.

Rachel squeals. “Oh, I am so happy for you, look at that smile! Who is he?”

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you all about it some other time, okay? I really want to shower and unpack, and then go for a nap. Your boyfriend is waiting for you,” Blaine dodges easily.

“I’ll hold you to that, Blaine. You, me, dinner next week, and you tell me all about your boy,” Rachel says, leaving no room for argument. Then she’s walking away, grabbing a coat before sliding open the door and calling out a bye.

There’s a ringing silence after her departure. Kurt keeps staring at the floor. Their time is up. They really need to tell Rachel the truth now.

“We need to come clean,” Blaine echoes Kurt’s thoughts. “We have to tell her. We’ve been hiding this too long as it is.”

“I know,” Kurt sighs. “I know. We probably should have told her ages ago. I just… I’m scared of her reaction.”

Blaine walks around the couch to sit next to Kurt. He lifts a gentle hand to Kurt’s shoulder, rubbing it a little. “She can’t hurt us, Kurt. She doesn’t have a say in what happens between you and me. Will she make a scene? Probably. But she will get over it, because she has no choice.”

Kurt leans into Blaine, closes his eyes and just breathes. Blaine is right, and he probably knows Rachel even better than Kurt. Still, Kurt can’t help but fear. “She’s my oldest friend, Blaine. When I had no one, she started talking to me and never left. No matter how annoying she can be, she’s my friend, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“Hey, there’s no way you’re losing her over this,” Blaine says and kisses Kurt on the forehead. “She loves you. You were her first friend at McKinley, too. She might get a little upset, but she will not abandon you, I’m sure of it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, absolutely. You don’t have to choose between her and me, ever. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.” Blaine holds him a little closer and presses another kiss on his temple.

Kurt melts into the touch, loving the warm intimacy of it, finding calm in Blaine’s certainty. They will tell Rachel, and everything will be okay eventually. “Okay.”

“Now, come on. I wasn’t kidding or just avoiding Rachel by mentioning that shower. Let’s unpack, and order something to eat. We can sit right here and cuddle. And maybe more?”

Kurt smiles. “Of course, except probably not on the couch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I love to hear your thoughts on the chapter and the story! 
> 
> I'm also on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny heads up: I won't be able to post as early as usual on Tuesday and Friday. The chapters will be there, just several hours later than they have been.
> 
> And then, some Sunday smut for you all :)

Kurt unpacks his suitcase while Blaine is in the shower. It strikes him again how domestic this is. He is doing his own thing, and Blaine is doing something else, and still they are in the same apartment together. After Blaine has showered, Kurt will take his turn and dress down for the evening. Blaine will order them Chinese food, and then they can curl up on the couch together, shower fresh, warm, and close. Kurt has never had that before, not with Blaine, not with anyone. Before, they were too into each other, rushing into sex, and there was no time for simple, clothes-on cuddling. Kurt finds himself looking forward to it quite a lot. And even though there is the promise of sex to come later, he is happy to take his time just being close to Blaine, tv on the background, a carton of Chinese in his hands.

In less than an hour they are right where Kurt pictured them. Blaine is warm and cozy in sweats and a worn t-shirt, his curls wild and free. He is leaning his shoulder on Kurt’s chest and feeding him small bites out of his carton. Kurt’s legs are bracketing Blaine, and it feels right to be close like this. Blaine is compact and fits perfectly against Kurt. It is sort of a turn-on to have Blaine between Kurt’s legs, but Kurt is too cozy to let his body dictate anything. Right now he just wants this, to lounge there together simple as can be. The tv is on, but they don’t pay much attention to it, soaking in the closeness instead, trading soft words about their time in Lima, about school starting up soon, about anything.

“I can’t believe how easy this feels,” Kurt tells Blaine, overcome by how content he is.

“It is nice,” Blaine agrees.

“I’ve never done anything close to this before,” Kurt confesses.

Blaine turns in his arms a little, reaching out to place the empty carton on the floor. Then he looks at Kurt, dark eyes soft, his eyelashes long and black. Kurt has to touch. He lifts a careful finger and brushes against the lashes, making Blaine smile.

“Of all the firsts you’ve given me, I think this one ranks pretty high,” Blaine says. “Sex is great and all, don’t get me wrong. But I love having you right here. I feel safe in your arms, and I don’t think I ever want to leave.”

“So sappy,” Kurt teases, looping an arm over Blaine’s shoulders and pulling him to lean in even more. “I enjoy having you here, too.”

Blaine breathes out a laugh, and it dances in his eyes. The ghosts are gone from his eyes, at least momentarily, and Blaine looks nothing but happy and content. Kurt trails his fingers over Blaine’s beloved features, feather-light, just because he can. Blaine’s skin is warm, soft in one place, slightly stubble-rough in others. It’s a marvel, this human, alive and real, actually there in Kurt’s arms, beneath his fingertips. He is flesh and blood and bones, skin and hair, and yet he is so much more than that. He is strong, kind, and empathetic, and he loves Kurt. And Kurt loves him, more than anything.

“Take me to bed?” Kurt whispers. Any sound louder than a whisper would break the moment.

Blaine smiles and kisses him, chaste and dry. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Blaine gets up from the couch, pulling Kurt along, hand seeking hand and holding on. He walks backwards, his eyes big and full of want, never leaving Kurt. Kurt can’t help the smile that’s taking over his face, or the excitement swirling in his belly. He’s starting to get turned on just with the promise of what’s to happen.

They get to Blaine’s area of the loft. It’s a lot smaller than Kurt’s or Rachel’s, since the space turned out to be quite tight. There’s a bed, a rack for clothes, and an electronic keyboard. Kurt only gives them a cursory glance, mostly focused on Blaine, who lets go of his hand and sits on the bed to undress. Kurt takes the cue and takes off his shirt, continuing to pull off his pants and socks, too. He leaves his briefs on for now, standing up and looking at Blaine, who has just gotten rid of his clothes.

Kurt steps closer, trailing his fingers over the span of Blaine’s shoulders. Blaine looks up at him, and his expression is nothing short of adoring. Kurt smiles. Blaine’s skin gets goosebumps from his light touch, and it’s exhilarating. Kurt lets his fingers travel lower and stop at the K tattooed on Blaine’s left pectoral.

“Am I allowed to ask?” he says, eyes fixed on the black ink, finger tracing the line of it.

Blaine huffs. “Yeah.”

“Is this… is this for me?” Kurt knows it’s the only plausible explanation for the letter, but still, it feels somehow presumptuous to say it out loud.

But Blaine nods, a little embarrassed. “Yes. I never stopped loving you. I wanted something, and… it felt right. I always thought I was against getting anyone’s name tattooed, because relationships can be fickle and people can let you down, no matter how it feels like forever with them. The thought of a name tattoo used to be tacky. But how I feel about you – it’s so much, Kurt. It’s more than I can ever say. And I needed this, even though we were broken up. I wanted to remind myself that there was a time you were mine.”

“I guess I never stopped being yours,” Kurt says. “Why did you break up with me again?” He hates to bring it up now, but he has to. Blaine says he never stopped loving Kurt, but how did he manage to break Kurt’s heart?

“Because I love you so much. I felt like I had to. If you love them, you let them go, and all that. You needed to experience New York on your own, Kurt. It hurt like hell, though. And, in the end, I could not let you go after all, so I guess I failed that test.”

Kurt shakes his head slowly, still tracing the tattoo with his finger. “You’re too hard on yourself. You never should have let me go.”

“I know that now. And I am here, with you, from now on. Can we move on from the pain?” Blaine’s eyes are pleading, the heat from just moments ago has gone away.

“I think we can,” Kurt reassures him, sitting on the bed and pulling Blaine close. “Let me love you? You have to believe that I want to be here.”

“I do,” Blaine says, leaning on Kurt with his eyes closed. Kurt’s heart quickens at the words. It’s silly, and Kurt knows that Blaine just wanted to emphasize his agreement with what Kurt said, but. _I do_. Kurt does, too. Oh, but he does. It might be silly, but he can’t help himself or his thoughts. He kisses the side of Blaine’s face. Blaine turns into the touch, lips seeking lips, and they lose themselves into the kiss for a long while.

Blaine leans back a little, pulling Kurt along, until they’re horizontal, and Kurt mostly on top of Blaine. Their lips stay together, exploring, caressing, and Kurt’s whole being is thrilled with it. Blaine is warm and firm under him. Their legs are tangled together. Kurt leans a little heavier onto his arm, lifting up a little to look at Blaine.

“Hi,” Blaine smiles.

Kurt kisses his smile. “What do you want?”

Blaine shakes his head a little, closes his eyes and opens them again. “Just, you. I don’t… can you fuck me?”

Kurt flushes hot at that. He swallows thickly before nodding. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Hold on, I’ve got the stuff,” Blaine pushes Kurt gently, and Kurt moves off of him. Blaine rolls a little, reaches under his bed and produces a bottle of lube and a box of condoms. Kurt smiles as Blaine opens the box and separates one from the strip inside.

“Were you planning on this?” he has to ask, teasing a little, tickling his fingers down Blaine’s arm.

Blaine gives him a look through his lashes and smirks. “Maybe.”

“Good,” Kurt tells him. He’s glad they don’t have to worry about the – _supplies_.

Blaine drops the box back on the floor and reaches for Kurt. Kurt goes willingly, settles his weight a little on Blaine and kisses his neck. Blaine breathes heavily into his hair and puts his arms around Kurt’s shoulders, pulling him impossibly closer. Kurt starts a slow roll of his hips, briefs still on, rubbing against Blaine’s naked everything. He sucks on Blaine’s neck, deciding to just fuck it all. Rachel will see the mark, but she just has to deal. Kurt has never given a hickey before, and he wants to. Blaine groans softly, tilting his head to give Kurt more room, so he can’t be too bothered, either. He is getting more and more turned on, Kurt can feel how he is hardening with every movement. Kurt isn’t far behind, his skin getting hotter by the second, his briefs feeling awfully restricting. As if Blaine read Kurt’s mind he slides his hands down Kurt’s back and into his briefs, pushing them down from his ass. A strange noise escapes Kurt when Blaine’s fingers tease along his crack. One day, Kurt thinks. One day soon Blaine will open him up and put his cock inside.

With some maneuvering they get rid of Kurt’s briefs, and Kurt rolls his hips again, grinding against Blaine’s, their cocks pressing together. They both moan at the feeling.

“Come on, Kurt,” Blaine pants. “Finger me a little? I need you.”

How could Kurt ever deny Blaine something like that? He sits up a little, reaches for the lube and coats his fingers with it. He hasn’t done this before. Last time Blaine just told him to get some lube in there and get to business. Kurt had put his finger inside, but only for a short moment. He’s a little intimidated, eager but scared of doing something wrong.

“What do you want? Like… how?” Kurt asks.

“Just, massage me a little first. You’ll do great, Kurt,” Blaine reassures him and lifts his knees up. He spreads his legs wider, practically presenting himself to Kurt, and Kurt’s cock jumps. He does as he was told, just feeling the skin and the pucker under his fingertips, pressing around, circling, and Blaine moans. Apparently that’s good, then, Kurt thinks, and keeps going. He can feel Blaine relaxing slightly under his touch, and his hips start to press into Kurt’s fingers. Kurt tries to focus on that, forget his own arousal, but it’s not easy. Blaine is hotter than anything Kurt has seen, completely at his mercy, vulnerable, real.

“Yeah, yeah, add some more lube, and then can I have one in?” Blaine asks. His head is thrown back against the pillow, his chest is heaving for breath, and his fingers are spread on the cover. He is beautiful like this, open, trusting and wanting, all under Kurt’s hands. He is unreal. Kurt gets some more lube on his fingers and stops for a second to marvel how amazing his boyfriend is. He keeps staring at Blaine as he slowly pushes a finger in. Blaine’s mouth opens, but no sound comes out. His eyes are tightly shut, and he is so focused on feeling what Kurt is doing. The press of muscle around his finger is maddeningly tight and hot, and Kurt can’t believe he is going to be in there – that he has been, once. He moves his finger around experimentally, and Blaine keens.

“Another, Kurt, please, and then I want you,” he says, voice low and scratchy.

Kurt does as Blaine says, removing his finger and then pushing in with two. Blaine’s body tries to fight it a little, but then just gives in, and the muscle yields under Kurt’s gentle pressure. Kurt can’t help but moan at Blaine’s heat holding on to his fingers. Blaine laughs breathlessly and tilts his hips into it. Kurt crooks his fingers, just slightly, just to try it out, and he jumps a little at Blaine’s immediate reaction. His body jumps on the bed, and he groans an enthusiastic agreement with Kurt’s ministrations.

“Do, do that again, Kurt,” Blaine begs, fisting the sheet under his hands. Kurt complies happily, listening to the noises Blaine lets out and trying to ignore how impossibly arousing everything is. He doesn’t want this to be over too fast. Blaine is just so hot like this, so into it, and Kurt feels like something in him unravels as he looks on Blaine’s pleasure. Blaine is the one vulnerable here, but it’s Kurt who feels raw and weak all of a sudden.

“Alright, alrighht, I need you now, Kurt, Kuuurt,” Blaine babbles, struggling with the words because Kurt can’t stop moving his fingers.

“Yeah, yes, okay,” Kurt says, and he feels almost as gone as Blaine looks when he removes his fingers and reaches for the condom. It takes a couple of tries to get it out, but he makes it, rolls it on and lubes himself up. He moves closer to Blaine, leans over him and meets his lust-blown eyes. His heart is racing, he is so turned on, and Blaine just smiles up at him, lifting a leg around his waist as if it’s nothing. It’s everything to be this close, to feel like this, overflowing love and lust and affection. Blaine is here, really here, all Kurt’s. They are together. Kurt just stares at Blaine, freezing where he is, holding on to his cock, ready to guide it in.

Blaine lifts a hand to caress his cheek. “Is everything okay?”

“You – I – you,” Kurt tries, and huffs out a laugh, not even sure what he’s trying to say. “Everything’s fine.”

“You sure?” Blaine asks, but there’s a gentle humor in his eyes as Kurt struggles with words.

“Yeah. I just love you,” Kurt settles on finally, and lowers himself into Blaine, pushing the head of his cock slowly in. Blaine’s eyes flutter closed, and the hand that was on Kurt’s face grabs on to his shoulder. Blaine is so tight and hot around Kurt, Kurt can barely breathe as he pulls out a little, pushes in slightly deeper, and does it again and again until he is all the way there. He bites his lip, trying to get past the almost overwhelming pleasure and heat.

“Look at me?” Blaine asks then, and Kurt didn’t even notice he had closed his eyes. Their gazes lock, and no words are needed as Kurt starts to move, slowly at first, then faster and surer. Blaine’s eyes are nearly black, only a thin rim of golden brown around his pupils remains. There is love in that look, there is reverence in how Blaine slides his hand along Kurt’s side. Kurt moves his arms a little, dropping onto his elbows and fitting his fingers between Blaine’s back and the bed. He needs to be as close as physically possible, he wants to mold into Blaine and never let go. He hugs Blaine into his chest as he keeps a somewhat steady pace in pushing into him. Blaine’s cock is trapped between their bellies, Kurt can feel it leaking against his skin. Blaine wraps his arms and legs around Kurt, and Kurt is pretty sure he can’t get closer to another person. Blaine surrounds him everywhere, practically hanging off of him. They stare into each other’s eyes, soft sounds falling from their lips as their hips hit together, again, again, again. Kurt’s chest feels tight, his thighs are burning a little, and it feels like too much for one person to feel at once. Blaine is his, completely and without a doubt, his eyes deep and true, and he holds on to Kurt so tightly in every way possible, it’s like he is the only thing keeping Kurt from splintering to pieces.

Blaine’s breath stutters as Kurt cants his hips a little on the next thrust in. Kurt tries to hold that spot, hitting it as best as he can, and Blaine is struggling to keep his eyes open. It’s like a wordless pact to look at each other, witness every little piece of pleasure in the other, and not get lost in it alone. They need to stay connected in every way.

“Please, Kurt,” Blaine whispers, and Kurt isn’t sure if he even knows what he’s asking for.

“Can you come just like this?” Kurt asks, because he really doesn’t want to stop cradling Blaine close to jerk him off, but he will, if Blaine wants to.

“I think I just might,” Blaine pants, and there’s a slight disbelief in his voice.

Kurt picks up his pace, aiming for that really good spot inside Blaine. Blaine is biting his lower lip so tight it’s turning white, but he isn’t looking away from Kurt. They breathe into each other’s faces, Kurt can feel sweat sliding down his back, but he isn’t letting up. He keeps staring into Blaine’s soul, tracking every trace of pleasure and love there, and he sees it in Blaine’s face a fraction of a second before he feels it around his cock, before Blaine spills between them, never breaking eye contact. It’s intense, he’s shuddering in Kurt’s arms like it’s never going to end, and that tips Kurt over, he’s coming into the condom inside Blaine, pleasure sparking on every nerve ending, filling him, and like Blaine, he doesn’t break eye contact, either. He can barely breathe through it, the pleasure so overwhelming. They stare at each other through it, until Kurt can’t anymore, he’s feeling too much, he feels like he has given his all. He slumps on top of Blaine, and Blaine lets out an _oof_ , but doesn’t protest. Instead, he hugs Kurt in, pressing his face against Kurt’s neck, and they tremble there, together, completely entangled with Kurt still inside Blaine.

“Oh fuck, my sweet,” Blaine breathes after a long moment has passed, and the sweat has started to dry on their skin.

“Mmhmm,” is all Kurt can come up with. He feels a drained, both physically and emotionally. He feels weird, lost in love, and somehow it hurts, too.

“Come on, move a little, you’re getting heavy even though I love you right here,” Blaine says, pushing at Kurt’s shoulder.

It takes a lot of effort to separate. Kurt’s arms barely hold him up enough. He tries to be smooth and gentle as he pulls out of Blaine, but Blaine hisses a little anyway. Kurt coos at him, and gets a small smile and a shake of Blaine’s head. Kurt gets rid of the condom, grimacing a little because he has to drop it on the floor unless he wants to get up from the bed. And he doesn’t. He needs to be as close to Blaine as possible, still, feeling raw and vulnerable somehow. Being separated feels like carving out something vital of himself. Touching Blaine is a necessity. Blaine pulls him close, they lie there side by side, arms and legs around each other as much as possible. Kurt can’t really think, his body is tired but something is lurking on the edges of his mind.

“That was intense,” Blaine comments softly, running his fingers along Kurt’s back.

Kurt snuggles closer. It feels like nothing is close enough, not after what they just shared. He feels sated, but a little like crying, too. He loves Blaine so much he can’t put it into words. “Good intense?” he asks, his voice wobblier than he would like.

“Absolutely, my sweet. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like that before.” Blaine’s touch is gentle and loving along Kurt’s back, and Kurt just wants to burrow into him and never come out again. He’s shivering, probably partly because of the sweat drying, but partly because he feels overwhelmed.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asks.

A tear leaks out of Kurt’s eye without his permission. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I know, love. I know.” Blaine pulls him closer still, cradling the back of his neck, and Kurt goes, pressing into his skin. “I love you too. And that was so good. But please, tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, Kurt.”

“I – I just need you. You’re really here, you’re back,” Kurt whispers, it really dawning to him. Blaine is here. Blaine is back. Kurt sniffles and kisses the skin closest to his mouth. “You can never leave me again, you hear me? I can’t… I can’t take it. I need you right here.” It’s a little scary to say out loud, to admit to Blaine how much Kurt needs him. Kurt doesn’t want to need anyone. He wants to be fine on his own, he wants to make his own way, but here Blaine is, unraveling him so completely, and Kurt knows he needs him. He doesn’t want to even imagine life without Blaine in it. But now he’s still trembling and there are tears pouring out of his eyes and he feels small and lost in the depth of his love. He clings to Blaine, but it doesn’t feel like quite enough.

“I’m not going anywhere, Kurt, I promise you. I am right here, I am yours, always. I was so stupid before, and I’m so sorry for hurting you. But I love you. I love you more than anything, and I am not letting go of you again. Never again, my sweet, I’ll be yours as long as you want me.” Blaine’s words are heavy, pronounced, and Kurt can feel them all over his body. He told Blaine he forgave him over a month ago, but only now he is able to let all the pain out. Only now he is really able to forgive and let go, and believe Blaine when he says he is there for good.

Kurt cries, and feels slightly embarrassed about it, but mostly it’s relief. He is not alone anymore, he never will be, if he and Blaine can have their way. His tears flow almost silently, but there are a lot, and Kurt has no energy to stop them. They are here, together, and it means everything. All the hurt from their past bleeds out of him as Blaine holds him tight, mumbling comforting nonsense into his temple, and lets him cry it out.

It feels like salvation.

\- [Underneath](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iva5OqfA1cc%20) -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this was impossibly intense. I hope at least a part of that translates into the reader experience, too. Let me know? 
> 
> The song I linked at the end there is the one this series is named after. I meant to link it to the last chapter, but it fits the feeling of this chapter perfectly. Please give it a listen - it's one of my top three favorite love songs ever. Also, if someone can tell me how to get it to open in a new tab, please help me! I tried my best... 
> 
> I'm also on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rachel finds out, part 1.

The next day, Kurt and Rachel have agreed to have lunch in a café close to the NYADA campus. Rachel messaged Kurt to meet her there, since she was with Brody in the NYADA dorms. It’s a shame to leave Blaine after the night they had, and Kurt almost wants to cancel and just stay in bed with Blaine, curled tightly together. It’s hard to let go and start the day. Blaine just kisses Kurt and says he’ll go hang out with Sam, and so it’s decided.

They take the same subway, Blaine leaving a few stops before Kurt. Kurt can’t help the sappy smile on his face as Blaine kisses his cheek before exiting. He has been in love with Blaine for a long time, but today he is _really_ feeling it. He feels like it’s real, tangible between them, after the complete emotional and physical unraveling of the night before. Kurt feels cleaned, sure, and more in love than ever. Nothing can kill this mood, not even the terribly smelly old guy standing right next to him. Kurt is light and happy, the aftermath of good sex and the catharsis he found in Blaine’s arms still buzzing in his system. Blaine’s love is lighting him up from the inside, and Kurt feels _good_.

Kurt walks in to the café and spots Rachel in a table not too far away from the door. She’s wearing different clothes from yesterday, and she looks happy, though maybe a little tired. She already has plate of food in front of her, but it doesn’t look like she’s started eating. Kurt gives her a wave and heads straight to the counter since there’s quite a line there.

He gets his chicken caesar salad and takes it to the table Rachel is sitting in, greeting her with a smile as he sits down. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Rachel says with a smile of her own that instantly makes Kurt a little uneasy. She looks at him like she has figured him out, and usually she is way wrong with whatever she thinks Kurt is thinking or doing. But then again, there’s Blaine now, and they are all living together, and last night… How see-through is Kurt? Can Rachel see how well fucked he feels, how he’s stupid in love this morning?

“Have fun with Brody?” Kurt asks, ignoring her look, and starts eating.

“Did you really think that I wouldn’t see what you’re trying to hide from me?” Rachel asks instead of answering. The smug smile is still on her face, and Kurt swallows his bite with some effort.

She can’t have figured it out. Right?

“What?” Kurt asks, trying to save face and play time as long as possible.

“You have a crush on my brother,” Rachel says, her face full of glee.

Kurt can feel the heat rising up his neck and on his cheeks. Damn his pale skin. Rachel laughs out loud, earning a couple of looks from the neighboring table. Kurt stabs a piece of chicken on his plate, not looking at her, angry at his reaction. Now she thinks she’s right.

“Why are you hiding that from me, Kurt?” Rachel asks, still laughing. “We live together, and I know you. I saw the way you got really quiet when I asked Blaine about his love life yesterday, and I had my suspicions before that, even. You’ve been mooning after him all winter, smiling stupidly at him, bumping into him. You’re not very subtle at it. I think Blaine knows, too.”

Kurt is speechless. He has no idea what to say to that. Rachel is onto _something_ , but it seems like she doesn’t have the whole puzzle pieced together. It’s only a matter of time before she gets it herself, without them telling her anything. She may have a habit of getting things wrong, but she’s not completely stupid. Kurt keeps his eyes on his plate, trying to find the correct words. This is the moment. He has to come clean, even though Blaine isn’t there. They were supposed to do it together, but Rachel won’t let go now that she has started. Kurt needs to do this on his own and then text Blaine how it went.

“You know that’s never going to happen, right?” Rachel says before Kurt gets any words in order, and her tone is now colored with pity. “I mean, it was sweet at first, but this has been going on for long enough. You didn’t even take Adam on after I asked him to come to your birthday party! I don’t want to be a buzzkill, but, seriously. Blaine’s six years older than us, and he’s a dork. Besides, you could do so much better than him.”

Kurt is pretty sure his heart is going to stop. “Better than him?” Kurt lifts his eyes to stare at Rachel. Now the heat on his face is more of anger than anything else. How can she say that? After last night those words really hit on a nerve, and Kurt feels like he might be ready to kill. He is still a little raw with how he feels, and Rachel’s words hurt.

“Kurt. I’m only looking after you. My brother is depressed and sad. He’s old and settled, and he would only bring you down. You need to aim for the stars, you’re like me in that. I need to set you up with that boy in my screenwriting class, so you can get over this. You can’t want to be with my brother, that’s ridiculous.”

“You’re being really, really unfair right now,” Kurt tells her straight on. He can’t believe what he’s hearing right now. “Blaine has been through hell, so of course that leaves some scars. That doesn’t make him any less desirable. There is an age difference, there, but so what? It’s not like he’s _forty_. Are you sure you love him like you say you do?”

Rachel rolls her eyes. “Kurt, of course I love him. I just want to finally knock those pink colored crush glasses off your face. Maybe I need to be a little harsh to accomplish it.”

“Why?” Kurt demands. His hands are shaking. He curls them into fists on his thighs to try to stop it. “Why do you need to do that? Why are my feelings so wrong?”

“You need to stop crushing on people you’ll never have. I want you to have something real, Kurt. You deserve a real person; you’re nineteen years old, it’s about time. You’ve done this before – you crushed on Finn so hard just because he was nice to you. Blaine is nice to everyone, he doesn’t treat you any different than anyone else. I can’t watch you torture yourself with unrequited love. There’s nothing there, Kurt,” Rachel says, her eyes big and sad, before she looks away to take a bite of her vegan dish that Kurt can’t recognize.

Kurt’s appetite is totally gone. He bites his teeth together just to stop from exploding at Rachel. _Blaine loves me_ , he wants to say, _and I love him_. There definitely is something there. Blaine does not treat Kurt like he treats everyone else. Rachel just can’t see what is right in front of her eyes. She sees bits and pieces, puts them together all wrong, and meddles into things that are none of her business. Kurt tries to breathe evenly to calm down. He can’t make a scene here, not really.

“Wait, wait – Kurt.” Rachel puts down her fork and a swallows a huge bite. “You _know_ that there’s nothing there already, don’t you? You told me that you two had a disagreement! What did you do, came on to him or something?”

That’s it.

“Yes!” Kurt shouts, without a care for his volume. He’s too mad at her, his blood rushing in his veins, his ears full of static. He will not listen to one more word from her, he will shut her up. “Yes, I did, last _February_. And guess what? He wanted me, too. We were together for almost three months last spring, and you knew nothing at all! He broke up with me when I was accepted to NYADA – that’s the disagreement I told you about.”

Rachel is staring at him is shock, mouth slightly open, eyes bugging nearly out of her head, food all but forgotten. “No.”

“Yes. Yes, Rachel, this isn’t just my _crush_ on him. He was my boyfriend when he kissed me during spin the bottle, and that was not our first kiss! Actually, I gave him my virginity that same night, so you don’t get to come at me and tell me that there’s nothing there.” Kurt doesn’t care anymore, he’s done, he’s over the hiding and Rachel’s stupid opinions about things she knows nothing about. He’s livid, because she is ignorant and self-obsessed and freely calls her brother a loser and a dork and tells Kurt that Kurt could do better. “There is no one better than him, and it’s incredibly offensive of you to say that I could do better than your brother. He is the best person I’ve ever known, he’s strong and loving and kind, and all the things you are not. I love him, he loves me, were together, and you don’t get to say there’s nothing there when you’re too blind to see the truth.”

Rachel keeps staring at him, speechless. Mission accomplished. For a moment Kurt feels vindictive, he won, he got her to shut up.

“Kurt – what the fuck?” She isn’t one to swear often, and Kurt jumps at the word, uttered with clear anger.

He was supposed to have Blaine present for this. They were supposed to break the news to her gently and most importantly, together. Blaine told Kurt he didn’t want to scar his little sister too much. It’s too late now. The cat is out of the bag, and there’s no putting it back in. Rachel knows, and she can’t unknow. It’s a mess, and Rachel looks like she’s shocked beyond repair. It all crashes down on Kurt.

“I’ll see you at home,” Kurt says as he gets up and leaves his salad right there, mostly uneaten. He rushes out of the café, desperately trying to calm his breathing. He feels like crying. He strides past people, without a direction, just fleeing. He digs his phone out of his pocket and dials Blaine.

“Hey, my sweet – did Rachel bail on you?” Blaine answers, and Kurt bursts into tears at the loving tone of his voice. He is so tired of crying, he doesn’t want to cry anymore. He has felt too many emotions in the last 24 hours. He just wants to curl up in Blaine’s arms, he just wants everything to be okay, but Rachel knows and she’s mad.

“Kurt? What is it? Where are you?” Now there’s alarm.

“Heads up,” Kurt chokes out. “Rachel knows. It got ugly. I have no idea what she thinks, because I bolted out of there.” His tears feel burning hot on his cheeks in the cool December air. His emotions are all over the place. He’s scared, he feels so bad for Blaine about the things Rachel said, and he just needs to sit down and bawl and not think about anything at all. He is still so raw from the night before, and this is just too much for him to handle.

“Oh,” Blaine breathes.

“Don’t hate me,” Kurt begs.

“Hey, none of that, it’s alright. I love you. We were going to tell her anyway. I need you to calm down for me,” Blaine says. “Can you find somewhere to sit down?”

“There – there’s a Starbucks right there,” Kurt notices as he takes a second to look around. It’s actually the very same Starbucks he and Blaine had their getting back together talk in November.

“Okay, good. Go in there, get yourself a nice, sweet coffee, and sit down. Would you like to tell me over the phone, or do you want me to come and get you?”

Kurt feels like a child, lost and confused. His anger is mostly gone now, and he only feels tired. He isn’t really crying anymore, either. He rubs his cheek with his gloved hand to get rid of tear tracks. “I… can you come here?”

“Sure, my sweet. It’ll take a while, though. Can you manage?”

Kurt sighs. “I’m better now. It was just the first shock of it all. I’ll wait for you. It’s the Starbucks closest to NYADA campus, you know the one.”

Kurt can have a while to gather himself together, to sort out his thoughts and feelings, and then Blaine will be there with him. It’s perfect. Kurt thinks that having Blaine there this second might be a little too much. He needs to regroup alone first, get his thoughts together.

“Yeah. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Blaine promises.

*

It takes Blaine about half an hour to appear. Kurt is on his second coffee already, sitting in a window table, and he has calmed down considerably. Rachel hasn’t tried to call or message him, and it bothers him a little. He has no idea what she is thinking or what she’ll say once they face each other again. Kurt wishes there was a way to avoid going home.

Blaine rushes inside and strides right to Kurt. He looks worried, his coat is only halfway closed, and he is carrying his scarf in his hand. “Hey, are you okay?”

Kurt nods. “Yeah, now that the first shock of it has passed. Have you heard from Rachel?”

“No,” Blaine says and shakes his head for emphasis as he sits down next to Kurt. He sets his scarf on the table and takes Kurt’s hand into his. “Was she mad?”

“She… it started when she thought I have a crush on you. She wanted to talk me out of it, and said some awful things about you, and I just had to defend you. I got really mad and ended up blurting quite a lot of stuff, and she didn’t really say anything. And then I ran.” Kurt stares at the tabletop. He feels detached, like he’s woken up from a dream. It can’t have happened for real. “I have no idea what she’s thinking.”

“It will be okay, Kurt. She’ll come around. She just has to come to terms with it.”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt says, finally meeting Blaine’s eyes. “I know you wanted to break the news to her gently. And that… the things I said… far from gentle.”

Blaine shakes his head. “Don’t worry about that. I’m not mad. She would have found out soon anyway.”

“I guess,” Kurt sighs. “Did that all just happen?”

Blaine laughs. “Sometimes things happen. What did she say to get you so riled up, anyway?”

“You don’t want to hear it,” Kurt warns.

“She’s my sister. I can take it.”

“She told me that I should stop crushing on you, because I could do so much better than you,” Kurt mutters, thumbing at his coffee cup with his free hand.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. I got so mad at her, you have no idea. I don’t think I’ve been this angry with her in ages. So, I just told her how things really are. That we’re in love, that we were together last spring, and that this is more than a crush. Then I fled.”

Blaine squeezes Kurt’s hand a little. “Let’s go home. She’ll get there eventually, and we’ll talk it all out. It’s going to be okay.”

Kurt nods, though he’s not sure everything will be okay. It’s Rachel. She is going to be dramatic about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! Your comments mean the world to me.
> 
> I'm also on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will get back to your comments this weekend, but right now I'm too tired to even think, so I'll just post this chapter and be done with it. I'm a little scared, because it's going to get intense.

Rachel is already home when Kurt and Blaine walk through the door, and it only takes one glance at her to know that she is majorly pissed off. She’s walking in a circle, her heels clicking loudly against the floor and a dramatic pout on her face. As she hears them come in, she stops, stares a beat, and marches right up to her brother. Kurt stands a little to the side after closing the door, not sure what is going to happen. He isn’t sure if he should intervene or just stand aside, because Rachel is clearly making this into a sibling thing.

“What is wrong with you?” Rachel demands, poking Blaine on the chest with a finger.

Blaine takes a step back to escape her jabs. He rubs his chest and stares down at Rachel. “Elaborate.”

“You are six years older than Kurt – than us! That is not okay. That’s not right, that’s all kinds of weird, we are in our teens and you’re _old_. Why are you perving on my best friend?”

“Whoa.” Blaine takes a hold of her shoulders. “That’s not necessary.”

“Rachel, you’re being an idiot!” Kurt hisses. He is getting angry again. He holds his hands to his sides in an effort to keep himself together. “Stop that right now.”

“Kurt, shut up,” Rachel says without even looking at Kurt, too busy glaring at her brother. “Blaine is sick, I can’t believe he lured you in last spring, and I can’t believe this is happening. That’s so inappropriate. Kurt is my best friend, Blaine. You have no right to just hook up with my friends. He is _my_ friend! And you hid it from me all that time, too? That’s fishy. That’s, like, super weird that you never told me. You know how sick you are, and that’s why you had to hide it.”

“Rachel, stop.” Blaine is only now raising his voice. “I am not listening to this.”

Kurt has to butt in. “Maybe we hid it because of this reaction right here. You are being obnoxious.”

“You kept it from me all of last spring, and now you’ve been keeping it from me while I’ve been living with you two! I feel so dirty – eugh, what have you been up to in this apartment?” Rachel keeps going as if Kurt never said a word. “Blaine, have you really been taking advantage of him under my nose all this time?”

“Is that how you see me?” Blaine asks, eyebrows furrowing.

“Your deeds speak for themselves.” Rachel crosses her arms and stares defiantly at her brother.

“I have not done anything wrong. Kurt is old enough to know his own mind, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel used. It wasn’t, and it _isn’t_ just hooking up. I’m in love with him, we’re together, and you just have to deal with it. We are not breaking up, and I will not tolerate your judgment or care about it.” Blaine’s voice is sure and loud, and his eyes are full of fire as he keeps staring at his sister, all the while holding on to her shoulders. He somehow looks taller, especially since Rachel is so tiny in front of him.

Kurt’s breath catches a little with the emotion in Blaine’s voice. There is no doubt in there, now. Blaine does not think he’s bad for Kurt, or worried about holding him back, he trusts their relationship. It means more to Kurt than he ever would have thought. He didn’t know he needed Blaine to defend their relationship, their love, but now that he is witnessing it first hand, it makes him all hot inside. Blaine is on his side for good, for real. It only cements everything from last night to place. They are in this together for the long haul.

Kurt doesn’t want him to fight this battle alone, though. “Rachel, are you not hearing yourself?” he asks with venom. “I have agency, too. I wanted him, Rachel, _I_ started this. You’re twisting it in your mind into something awful, and it isn’t. We’re together, we’re happy. I don’t need you defending my honor. End of story.”

“I… I am just worried. I want to look after you,” Rachel says, deflating a little.

Kurt is this close to growling at her. “I don’t need looking after!”

Blaine huffs a harsh laugh and shakes his head. He looks like he might shake Rachel soon enough. “You certainly have a weird way of doing that. How are you looking after anyone by insulting me and calling names?” His tone is biting, and Rachel answers to that.

“You’re the older one. You’re supposed to be the mature and responsible adult. Adults don’t mix with _teens_!” The fire returns, and Rachel isn’t holding anything back. “Maybe I shouldn’t worry about you, you’re beyond help anyway with your whining and avoiding and now you’re apparently sleeping with Kurt. I’m kind of glad we’re not actually related!”

Blaine looks taken aback. He lets go of Rachel’s shoulders like she suddenly burned him, and steps away from her. Kurt can’t even breathe in the heavy silence that follows.

“No, no, no!” Rachel lifts her hands to her mouth as if she could somehow hold in the nasty words. But it’s too late, they are out, and they can’t really be erased. “Blaine, please, I don’t mean that, you know I don’t –“

“Do I?” Blaine interrupts coolly. His mouth is a tight line, his eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks downright terrifying in his stillness.

Rachel lets out a desperate sound, her right hand reaching towards Blaine. Blaine just turns away from her and walks to the kitchen without a word.

“Are you happy now?” Kurt asks Rachel. “Is this what you wanted to achieve?”

She looks like she’s on the verge of tears. Her pitiful face doesn’t do anything for Kurt’s anger, though. He doesn’t care if she feels awful. She deserves to stew in her mess after everything she has said today, and Kurt is not going to coddle her and help her out of it. Not this time, maybe never again.

“I didn’t – I don’t – I, I do not mean that!” Big tears are sliding down her cheeks, and Kurt knows her well enough to tell they are real, not just for show.

“I think you should give us some space now,” Kurt says, standing very still between Rachel and the kitchen, giving Blaine his space, not letting her go to him.

“He is my brother, he _is_ , and I…”

“Go, Rachel,” Kurt tells her. “Go, before you make this any worse.”

Rachel sniffs and wipes her cheek with the back of her hand. Kurt watches on as she takes a shuddering breath and gives up. She grabs her coat and walks out of the door without a word. Kurt doesn’t move until the door is closed behind her. He turns and goes to Blaine, who is leaning his hands on the counter, back towards the living area, shoulders tense.

“Blaine?” Kurt asks quietly. He doesn’t know if Blaine wants to be touched.

Blaine turns his head a little to acknowledge him. The line of his jaw is tight. “She sure has a way with words.”

“Yeah, but I really don’t think she actually meant that. She’s just overwhelmed right now,” Kurt says, stepping closer, testing where the line might be. Blaine’s posture relaxes a fraction. Kurt takes that as a welcome sign and puts his arms around Blaine, pulling him to his chest and holding on tight. Blaine leans into him, placing his head on Kurt’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“It hurts awfully much for something I’ve told myself several times,” Blaine murmurs before looking at Kurt through his lashes. “I’ve been getting rid of those thoughts lately. Because I know it isn’t true. We’re in this together, and I have not taken advantage, have I?”

“Absolutely not. Never,” Kurt says. “What we have is special and precious, and nothing Rachel, or anyone, says can change that. You’re not beyond help, Blaine, and you are not sick for loving me.”

“Thank you,” Blaine says, a tiny smile appearing on his lips.

“Anytime, babe,” Kurt quips, seeking a way to lighten up the mood, and presses a swift kiss on Blaine’s cheek.

Blaine’s smile widens and he leans even more heavily against Kurt, molding his back against Kurt’s chest and pressing his ass right into Kurt’s crotch. Kurt just holds on tighter. He wants to get as close as possible. He loves Blaine, Blaine loves him, and there is nothing wrong with their love. Rachel’s opinion can’t matter to them. Her words are nagging at the back of his mind, and he’s sure Blaine will bring them up again later, but for now, they need the reassurance of their bond. Kurt slides a hand down Blaine’s chest, his red shirt soft and smooth under the touch. Kurt loves how he can feel Blaine solid under his hands, and caressing him is just second nature. Blaine breathes out loudly as Kurt cups him through his jeans.

“Yeah?” Kurt breathes into Blaine’s ear.

“Please,” Blaine says, barely audible.

“No one is forcing me to do this, you know,” Kurt says, keeping his voice low and speaking into Blaine’s ear, making him feel every breath on his skin. He feels powerful, sure, ready to take the lead. He massages Blaine gently but firmly, and can feel it against his hand as Blaine starts to harden. It’s exhilarating to get to witness the reaction. It’s wonderful that his touch turns Blaine on so fast.

“I do this, because I want to. I want you to feel good. I have loved you from the moment I first saw you, and there is nothing more beautiful than having you at my mercy like this,” Kurt goes on, never stopping his touch. His other hand is still on Blaine’s chest, and he seeks a nipple through the shirt, finding the tiny ball of his barbell piercing and teasing it with his thumb.

“Kurt,” Blaine sighs. His hips are starting a tiny motion, rubbing his ass into Kurt’s crotch and his front to Kurt’s hand. Kurt is letting him rut, just staying there, breathlessly wanting to make things better. Blaine’s eyes are closed, he rests his head on Kurt’s shoulder. It’s intimate, to be molded together like this, even with all their clothes between them. Kurt feels hot and reckless, he wants more, right now. He presses a wet kiss on Blaine’s temple.

“What if I get you off right here?” Kurt asks, trying to ignore how his own jeans are getting tighter by the second. “Right in the kitchen that we share with her. Just because I can.”

Blaine groans. “Do it.”

Kurt pops open the button of Blaine’s jeans and reaches inside his briefs. He scratches a little at the hair there before wrapping his fingers around Blaine’s cock. Blaine is on the way to fully hard, and it doesn’t take long to get him there with a few well-timed tugs. Blaine is breathing heavier, there’s a flush on his cheeks, and his surrender is divine. He is putty in Kurt’s arms, letting him hold him up, and Kurt thrills at the power of it. Blaine is grabbing on to Kurt’s arm, but not to guide him or stop him. He just clearly needs something to hold on to. Kurt knows his grip is too dry, but they don’t have anything here, and he doesn’t want to break the moment. Blaine is too into it, too beautiful like this, breath hitching and hips churning. Nothing could get Kurt to let go of him. So he goes on, changing his pace to something more of a tease, his touch a little too light to Blaine’s liking, if the moans are anything to go by.

“Please, more, Kurt,” Blaine pants. His eyes are screwed shut, his mouth is wet and open.

Kurt lets go of his cock and lifts his hand to Blaine’s lips. “Lick.”

Blaine blinks his eyes open and gives him a look before complying, wetting Kurt’s palm, his tongue hot and wet. It should be gross, but it isn’t. Kurt grabs him again, this time jerking him tighter, faster, and smoother with the spit speeding up his movement. Blaine goes wild with it, grinding into the touch. Every exhale is a tiny moan, and Kurt revels in the noises.

“You’re mine, Blaine Anderson,” Kurt says. “You’re mine.”

“Your – yours,” Blaine stutters, gripping on to Kurt’s arm so hard Kurt’s sure there will be tiny fingerprints left on his skin after this.

“Yes, and don’t you ever think otherwise,” Kurt tells him, almost putting a threat into his voice, thumbing at the spot right under the head of Blaine’s cock.

Blaine moans, his hips hitch into the touch, his whole body convulses in pleasure. Kurt picks up his pace, pinching a nipple through Blaine’s shirt, unable to stop his own hips from grinding into Blaine. He’s going to come into his pants at this rate, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to make Blaine come, right here, right in his arms, clothed in their kitchen they share with Rachel.

“Come for me,” Kurt says, focusing his touch on the head.

Blaine whines, turns his face into Kurt’s neck, and comes on the counter and on Kurt’s fingers. He spasms in Kurt’s hold, and Kurt milks him though it, slowing his pace into nothing. Blaine slumps a little and kisses Kurt’s neck. Kurt can’t stop his hips from moving, pressing into Blaine’s lovely behind. He is so close just from watching Blaine like this. Blaine slips a hand between them and presses down, hard, right on Kurt’s cock. That’s all it takes, Kurt is coming in his pants with a sigh of Blaine’s name. Pleasure sings in his body, spreading all the way to his toes and making his head fuzzy.

They barely stay standing, leaning into each other for support while their breath evens out. Blaine is the first to take a step away from Kurt. His pants are still open by his hips, driven down by Kurt’s movement, and his face is lax and flushed as he smiles.

“So, that was unexpected, but not at all unwelcome.”

Kurt smirks. He is feeling good, despite the come cooling in his boxer briefs and the knowledge that they have to do some serious cleaning up. It was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> I'm also on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for this chapter: there is a brief discussion about past self-harm, so if that makes you uncomfortable, proceed with caution, or send me a message if you need more details.

It’s New Year’s Eve. Kurt and Blaine are cuddled on the couch watching movies. Rachel has not come back from wherever she went yesterday after their fight; she’s been gone for over 24 hours. Kurt hasn’t mentioned her, and neither has Blaine, but Kurt knows they both are silently wondering about her.

Even with the fight weighing on them, Kurt has loved their time alone. They slept in Kurt’s bed, just slept, Blaine’s back to Kurt’s front, and it was so sweet to wake up to Blaine’s soft caresses. They made breakfast together, and danced around to one of Blaine’s poppier albums. They ordered food in, too lazy to cook. Now they are on the couch, bellies full and just waiting for the night, the fireworks, and the ball drop. Kurt knows that there probably would have been a party, either at Chandler’s or at one of Rachel’s acquaintances, but he kind of likes this. Just him and Blaine to start the new year together, as a couple. He doesn’t need a lavish party with drunk people he barely knows. This is good. A quiet time alone, just the two of them, is a novelty still.

They’ve been very touchy all day, never straying too far from each other. Kurt has never been a cuddly person, not really. He learned to keep his space in middle school, when the bullying really started, and touching usually meant shoves or jabs. He has learned to hold himself apart from others physically. Blaine is clingy, though. He is so touchy, constantly reaching out to Kurt in whatever manner fits best. A hand on a knee, an arm around his waist, feet knocking together under a table. Right now Kurt doesn’t mind it. He might even need it a little. He feels vulnerable with everything that has happened, with Rachel, with the two of them, and having Blaine close brings him comfort.

“What if Rachel never comes back?” Kurt asks quietly. He has been lost in thought for a while, Iron Man droning on in the background. Blaine was more into the movie to begin with. Kurt just let him choose and was content to lie half on top of him on the couch, head on Blaine’s chest and legs tangled together.

“Oh, she will,” Blaine says and sounds very sure. His hand is dragging up and down Kurt’s back, reassuring and gentle.

“How do you know that? I mean, I know she’s dramatic, but yesterday was a lot even for her.” Kurt has to admit that he’s a little worried. Rachel is probably with Brody and not on the streets, but Kurt really wants his friend back. No matter how annoying she is, no matter how much Kurt hates her sometimes, she’s his oldest friend. They’ve been through a lot together, and the thought of losing her is painful.

“First of all, she lives here,” Blaine starts calmly. “Secondly, her beef is more with me than with you, that much is clear. She is upset, but she will get over it, because she will miss you so much.”

“Will she?” Kurt feels pathetic with how much he’s letting this affect his mood.

“You’re pretty much her only friend. She might act all aloof, but she relies on you a lot.”

“I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to choose between the two of you – though, for the record, I’d always choose you. But she was there when I had no one else, when high school first started. And we started in New York together, too, without anyone else. So, I’m a little scared. Even though I hate her sometimes, she’s my friend.” It feels good to tell this to Blaine, to be able to voice his fear and be understood.

Blaine presses a kiss into Kurt’s hair. “I know. She is important to you, and she’s been with you for years. I’m sure that she will be there in the future, too, in all the good and the bad. I know my sister.”

“How do _you_ feel?” Kurt asks, lifting his head to look Blaine in the eye. Blaine got the worst of it, and they haven’t really talked about it before now.

“About what?” Blaine’s caramel brown eyes stay calm, but Kurt can hear a slight waver to his voice.

“Rachel. What she said to you – it was horrible.”

Blaine nods. He closes his eyes, and his mouth turns down. “It was. And some of it is something I’ve thought of myself, at different points in time. It hurt to hear it out loud, though, and from her. I don’t like that she’s easily insinuating I… that I take advantage of younger people. I’m a teacher, Kurt, and if she airs out any of those thoughts in the wrong company… I don’t think she will. I don’t think she even really thinks that. It just came out, the worst possible thing to say to me because I upset her. She doesn’t think before she talks, she never has. This isn’t our first fight. And it’s not the first time she tells me I’m not her real brother, either. She said that sometimes when she was little – it’s been years and years since the last time.” Blaine’s breath catches, and Kurt can see that it’s not easy for him to talk about this. The hand on his back had turned into a fist.

Kurt swallows heavily. “You know that none of what she said is true, right? You’re not sick, like I told you yesterday. There’s nothing wrong with you, or us.”

“I know,” Blaine says, and Kurt believes that he does. “And you know that my attraction to you has nothing to do with your age. There was a time when I felt sick, though. But I know we are in this as equals, that I haven’t coaxed you into anything you don’t want. You speak your mind, and I know you would tell me no, if I did something you don’t like or want. I want you for who you are, not because you’re young.”

“Exactly,” Kurt says. “I told you to stop leaving sheet music everywhere, and you stopped.”

Blaine laughs a little. “That’s a small thing, Kurt, but basically you’re right. I mean that I trust you to tell me no, and I know that you will if I ever cross a line. To be honest, I wasn’t always sure of it last spring. I was constantly scared that I took things too far too fast.”

“I was fine. I wasn’t scared with you, not once. You made me feel safe and loved,” Kurt tells him honestly.

“Thank you.”

“What for?” Kurt smiles and presses his chin into Blaine’s chest.

“For saying that. For being you. For letting me open up without judgment.” Blaine cards a hand through Kurt’s hair, his touch nothing short of adoring.

Kurt shifts his arm and feels one of the piercings through Blaine’s shirt. “There’s one thing you haven’t opened up about, though,” he says. He has been eternally curious, but the topic has faded out of his mind. He moves his arm again, finds Blaine’s nipple with a finger and tickles.

Blaine squirms under him. “Oh, I was wondering if you were going to ask.”

“Are they just for decoration?” Kurt asks and keeps teasing Blaine, whose face is steadily flushing.

“Actually, no,” Blaine grunts.

Kurt relents his touching, but just for a second, because it’s so much more fun to pull Blaine’s shirt out of his pants and slid his hand under, on skin, to explore the barbells going through Blaine’s nipples. The metal is warm against his fingertips, warmed by Blaine’s body heat. Kurt knows he’s a horrible tease, touching Blaine like this, but he can’t help it. He enjoys torturing Blaine a little. “Tell me?”

“I didn’t get them because they look or feel nice once they are healed,” Blaine confesses, “I got them because I needed the pain.”

That makes Kurt stop his ministrations. “What does that mean?”

Blaine sighs. “It means I needed to hurt physically. I have been down that road before. The ladder tattoo on my thigh, you know – it’s there to hide the scars I made for myself. I didn’t want to start that, I just… I don’t want to fall into that hole again. But I needed pain after the break up. And believe me, that’s what I got with these. They took a good while to heal, and at first even a shirt was too painful. A couple of t-shirts were ruined because they started to bleed during the night…” he trails off into silence, not looking at Kurt.

Kurt doesn’t know what to say. “Oh wow, Blaine.”

“Yeah, I know. This is the mess that you’re stuck with.”

“Have you… needed the pain after these?” Kurt asks slowly, not sure how to approach the subject gently.

Blaine shakes his head. “No. And I won’t allow that to myself anymore, either. Pain is not a solution to anything.”

“Is it okay if I touch them now?” Kurt asks then, suddenly horrified how he just touched Blaine without permission, without thinking at all. He goes to pull his hand out of Blaine’s shirt, but Blaine stops it by grabbing on to his elbow.

“Yes, Kurt – I would have told you not to touch, if I didn’t want to be touched. I know I didn’t originally mean to get them for this purpose, but it does feel nice when you play with them.” Blaine smiles easily enough despite the dark subject. “This conversation was kind of a mood kill, though.”

Kurt huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, you’re not wrong there.” He removes his hand from Blaine’s skin and instead leans in to kiss Blaine’s mouth. Blaine answers the kiss, but they keep it chaste and sweet.

“I love you, mess or not,” Kurt whispers against Blaine’s lips.

“I love you, too.”

They fall into silence. Kurt hugs Blaine close and buries his nose into Blaine’s shirt. He feels different. In the last couple of days he has opened up to Blaine more than in maybe ever. No one knows him like Blaine does, now. It feels good, but it’s also a revelation.

Blaine hasn’t had a problem with opening up to Kurt, not for a long time. He has told Kurt about his past, about his depression, about his motives for the break up. But Kurt has kept to himself. He has shielded himself into his shell, kept the most vulnerable parts covered. Breaking down after sex just two days ago removed a barrier he didn’t know had been in place. He feels closer to Blaine than ever. And maybe it never was about finding out everything about Blaine. Maybe it was about letting Blaine in, letting him see the less-than-perfect parts, the parts Kurt is ashamed about, like his fear of rejection that rose up with Rachel staying away.

“I don’t deal well with losing people,” Kurt says. Suddenly the need to tell Blaine more is acute and demanding.

Blaine lifts a hand to Kurt’s neck, fingers massaging his hairline. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I told you I lost my mother when I was young. And I think ever since that, I’ve had a fear of losing the people I love. It’s hard to let people close. And Rachel… she was my first real friend, even with all her faults. I don’t want to lose her, I… I already lost Mercedes, kind of. I mean, we are still friends, but emails and texts are not the same as seeing each other, so it feels like I’ve lost her. I was such a mess after you broke up with me, and then I had to leave dad behind, too. Rachel was the one familiar thing from home once we got here. So now… I hate her sometimes, I sometimes want to shove a dirty sock into her mouth, but she’s my friend, and I had her when I had no one else. Back when I started high school, and again when we moved here.”

“I’m sorry, love. I’m sorry that you have to include me in that list of people you’ve lost. I’m sorry that because of me you don’t know where Rachel is or when she’s coming back. But listen – she will be back. She doesn’t have enough clothes with her to stay away for long. And I’m certain she misses you already.” Blaine’s fingers never stop tracing small circles into Kurt’s skin. “Like I said, she has a problem with me, not with you.”

“I guess we just have to wait,” Kurt sighs.

“Yeah. We just have to wait, and she just has to deal.”

*

Their movie ends just in time for them to change to the New Year’s Eve celebration on tv about fifteen minutes to midnight. They sit up, shoulder to shoulder.

“It’s been quite a year,” Blaine says quietly, eyes on the tv.

Kurt sighs. “You’re not wrong.”

“A year ago, I didn’t have you. It feels like you’ve been in my life forever. It’s so weird to think that last year this time I was with Santana at a party in Columbus. There was loud music and a lot of alcohol involved. I had no idea what life had in store for me.”

“I was at your house, actually. Rachel hosted our New Year party. The glee club was there, and we sang karaoke all night long,” Kurt tells Blaine.

Blaine laughs. “How is that not a surprise at all?”

“I was so jealous of pretty much everyone there. Mercedes and I were the only ones with no one to kiss at midnight – we joked about kissing each other, but it would have felt wrong. That kind of intimacy would have been too much. I… I hadn’t had my first kiss, one that counts, anyway.” It feels so odd now, since kisses with Blaine are such a common occurrence. Kurt blinks at the tv screen, at the crowd they are showing there. Just a year ago he was anxiously waiting to get to New York so he might finally meet someone to kiss, someone to date and hold hands with. And then Blaine happened. He found Blaine in February, and got his first kiss in March. He lost his virginity, and then went through his first break up. “A lot can happen in a year.”

Blaine hums in reply and pulls Kurt close. “Yeah.” He goes in for a kiss, but Kurt stops him, pressing two fingertips on his lips. Blaine lifts his eyebrows in question.

“I… I kind of want to wait until midnight. Just for the thrill of it?” Kurt gives Blaine a coy look. He wants to tease himself a little, make himself wait for it. He has wanted a kiss on New Year’s Eve for years, and now he finally can have it.

“Of course,” Blaine smiles, leaning away.

They sit in relative silence, watching tv, until the countdown begins. Blaine stands up from the couch and pulls Kurt along by his hand. Kurt goes, crowding in to Blaine’s personal space. They stand there, chest to chest, lips just a breath away from touching. Blaine’s hands hold on to Kurt’s waist, and Kurt lifts his arms on Blaine’s shoulders.

“Three, two, one,” Blaine counts, every number a breath of air against Kurt’s mouth, and then he kisses Kurt.

Kurt melts into it, presses into Blaine’s slightly dry, full lips, sucking his lower lip into his mouth. Blaine opens his lips for him, welcoming his tongue in. Kurt loses himself in the kiss. He feels it down to his toes as Blaine gently sucks on his tongue.

He finally got his New Year’s Eve kiss.

*

It’s absolute heaven to wake up next to Blaine for the third morning in a row. Kurt thinks he could be a very happy individual if this was the rest of his life – morning after morning, waking up just like this.

Blaine, normally an early riser, is asleep still. Kurt turns his head to look at him. Blaine has curled right into Kurt’s side, a lax hand resting on Kurt’s belly. Even while sleeping they have stayed close. Kurt is on his back, his right arm thrown up on the pillow, so Blaine’s head is practically in his armpit, curls tickling soft skin of his underarm. Kurt’s heart is about to burst from the love he feels. Blaine is so precious, so calm, warm and unreal right there, close to Kurt’s skin. And it’s a new year of 2013 now. Kurt gets to start his new year like this.

He knows that they say the way you end an old year will be the way the new one unfolds. He really, really hopes it’s true. Usually Kurt isn’t the superstitious kind, but he will gladly take anything if only his life could continue like this.

Blaine stirs, moving just the slightest bit closer to Kurt. He smacks his lips, and Kurt knows the exact moment he wakes up from how the hand on his belly presses down just a little. Then Blaine lifts his head, eyes only slits, and smiles at Kurt.

“Morning.”

Kurt can’t resist pulling him as close as possible. “The best morning to you.”

Blaine snuggles happily into Kurt’s skin, nosing along his neck. “Mm-hmm. The best. I love waking up with you.”

“I just love you,” Kurt tells him. He can’t not. He is so full with it he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He holds on to Blaine a little tighter, clinging a little, because he is allowed.

“Just?” Blaine chuckles. “There’s nothing just about that, my sweet. Your love means everything, and I love you, too.”

Kurt smiles. He is happy.

*

Reality starts setting in as they clear the dishes after having breakfast. Rachel is nowhere to be seen or heard, and Kurt worries about her. Blaine starts to list things he needs to prepare for the next day, since his work is starting up again. Kurt and Rachel still have the rest of the week before classes begin.

Nothing has changed since before the break, other than Rachel knowing about their relationship. Still Kurt feels like everything is different, like he’s a different person now. He settles on the couch with a fashion magazine while Blaine putters around. It’s domestic, it’s actually real. Kurt can’t really focus on the words on the article he tries to read, too busy listening to Blaine mumbling to himself as he looks through a notebook, sitting on the other end of the couch. This is his life. He is living with Blaine. Why it only hits him now, he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that they’ve spent the last three nights in the same bed. He is living with Blaine, and they’re together for real this time, they are making it work and talking about even the hard things. Kurt has a boyfriend who has met his dad.

“What is it?” Blaine asks suddenly, and Kurt realizes he has been staring at Blaine over his magazine.

“It just occurred to me that I’m living with my boyfriend.”

Blaine’s smile is breathtaking. “Yeah, you are. What about it?”

“We have a life together, Blaine,” Kurt says and sets his magazine down on the coffee table. He sits up better to face Blaine and reaches out for his hand. “It’s actually real. I… I guess that last spring was a bit of a fantasy, you know? I had been crushing on you for so long at that point. But now, everything feels more real. Like this actually is my life, and we know each other.”

Blaine pets his knuckles with his thumb. “I know what you mean. We’ve both learned a lot.”

“It’s just… can it be like this forever?” Kurt asks. It’s almost like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I really hope so,” Blaine says before leaning in to kiss Kurt on the mouth. Kurt returns the kiss eagerly, happily, licking into Blaine’s mouth. Blaine lifts a hand on his cheek, touch warm and soft, holding him close. Kurt loses himself into it, into the feel and taste of Blaine. He holds on to Blaine’s arm, and his heart feels full.

“Oh – oh god. You really are together.”

Kurt jerks at Rachel’s voice from the door, but Blaine holds him gently in place and finishes the kiss with no hurry at all, like he’s making a point. Kurt guesses he is. They share a look before turning to look at Rachel.

She looks tired, her clothes from two days ago are rumpled and there’s no make-up on her face. She stands very still by the closed door of the loft, just looking at them. Kurt can’t really begin to analyze what her face means, so he just waits. She’ll find her words at some point.

“We are together, Rachel,” Blaine says, first to break the silence, “and it doesn’t matter what you think about it.” Kurt can see Blaine’s jawline tightening.

“Yes, I guess that’s right,” Rachel sighs and looks away, somewhere to her left. “I’m sorry.”

“Wow.” Blaine’s tone is dry. Kurt doesn’t know what to say, and partly he feels like this isn’t about him at all. Rachel insulted Blaine the worst.

“No, I really am,” Rachel insists and walks closer. “I… I might have overreacted a little.”

“A little?” Kurt snorts. “You completely blew up and said terrible, terrible things. You overreacted a lot, and none of what you said has any sense in it. It sounded like you think I’m a child who can’t take care of himself and Blaine is some kind of a monster praying on me. That could not be further from the truth.”

Rachel cringes. “Yeah, well. I wasn’t thinking.”

“You really weren’t.” Kurt almost stands up, but Blaine’s hold on his hand still keeps him down.

“So, what happens now?” Blaine asks, looking at his sister with a face of stone.

“I… I hope you can forgive me,” Rachel says, “and that we can all live together again. We had some fun, didn’t we? I just… I don’t want to mess everything up.”

_You already did_ , Kurt thinks, but before he can speak, Blaine addresses Rachel.

“Fine. You’re on bathroom duty for the next two months,” Blaine tells her.

“What?” Rachel squeaks. “Hey – you’re not my dad, you can’t just assign me a chore.”

Blaine rolls his eyes. “Apparently I’m not even your brother. But I am your roommate, and you hurt me and my boyfriend, so you better make amends. Cleaning the bathroom is the least you can do.”

Rachel swallows and nods. “Okay, fine. For the record, though? You are my brother, Blaine. I was just overwhelmed. I love you.”

“Save it,” Blaine sighs. “I don’t want your groveling.”

Kurt bites his lip, looking from Blaine to Rachel and back to Blaine again. Even though Blaine has been trying to brush off what Rachel said, it has affected him. He is still hurt and angry, but Kurt thinks he wants to forgive Rachel. It’s just going to take some time before they find a balance. He is relieved that Rachel is back and okay. It doesn’t mean she’s off the hook yet, though.

*

Things stay tense for the rest of the day. Blaine disappears into his own area, claiming he has work stuff to get to. It’s probably true, but Kurt thinks it might also be a good excuse to not look at Rachel.

Rachel is subdued as she goes to change her clothes and returns in yoga pants and a black, long-sleeved tee. She looks tired and small. Kurt doesn’t say anything. He keeps leafing through his magazine, not sparing more than a glance towards Rachel. He doesn’t know how he feels about this all. Rachel is sad and apologetic, and it’s clear Blaine is still hurting over the words Rachel spit out at him. Kurt just can’t figure out what _he_ is feeling. He is angry on Blaine’s behalf. At the same time he’s kind of glad that Rachel is back and has realized she is in the wrong. He wants to know how they all go on from here.

“I’m sorry,” Rachel whispers into the silence.

“I’m not the one you should apologize to,” Kurt says drily.

“No, you are. Of course, I hurt Blaine more, but…” Rachel presses her lips together and breathes through her nose audibly before going on. “But I insinuated some bad things about you, too. And Blaine isn’t exactly talking to me right now.”

“Where were you?” Kurt asks instead of answering her words.

“At Brody’s dorm. His roommate is an idiot, I’ll have you know.”

“Well, you didn’t exactly deserve a spa vacation after what you said,” Kurt notes.

“I know. I spent half the time weeping, anyway. I don’t want to lose you, or Blaine,” Rachel says. “I just panicked. You’re my best friend, and he’s my brother, and you went on behind my back for so long. And he is a lot older than you, Kurt. I just… I didn’t know what to think, and I guess I got too into my own anger and fear.”

Kurt squints at her and puts away the magazine. He can show her that he is in this conversation. “Fear? Why are you scared?”

“I don’t want to be the third wheel that gets completely forgotten. You’re my best friend, Kurt. You have been for years. And I… I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want Blaine to take you away from me.”

It’s Kurt’s own fear mirrored in Rachel’s face and words. “Me neither. But seriously, you have to think before you speak, no matter how scared or angry you are. You really, really hurt Blaine. And I love him, so I don’t want to see him hurt, not by anyone.”

Rachel lets out a puff of air. “It’s so weird to hear you say that.”

Kurt blinks. “What?”

“That you love him. I mean, I suspected for months that you had developed feelings for him, but… I didn’t see this. How did I not see this?” Rachel is leaning forward in the chair, eyes big on Kurt.

“You better get used to hearing it,” Blaine says, stepping out from behind his curtains. He walks over to the couch, setting his hands on Kurt’s shoulders. It’s all show for Rachel, the touch doesn’t feel like it does when they’re alone. Blaine’s hands are rough, holding on a little too tight. Kurt lifts a hand to cover one of Blaine’s.

“It’s okay, Blaine. You can calm down, okay?” Kurt looks up over his shoulder, trying to catch Blaine’s eyes.

Blaine sighs. He leans in to press a kiss into Kurt’s hair. “It’ll take a while, my sweet.”

“Hey,” Kurt says quietly, ignoring Rachel staring at them. He needs to reach Blaine, like she isn’t there at all. He can feel her eyes on them, her focus on the touches and interaction, but that can’t mean anything right now. “Blaine. Really. We need to get over this, we need to move on. She is your sister, and she loves you.”

“Yeah,” Blaine admits with another heavy sigh.

Rachel clears her throat. “I do, Blaine. I’m so sorry for what I said to you. I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I… I just. I got overwhelmed.”

“That’s not an excuse. I don’t think anything will erase what you insinuated – Rachel, I work with children. If my own sister thinks I can’t be trusted with younger people….” Blaine shakes his head, holding on to Kurt even tighter.

Rachel swallows. It’s clear she doesn’t know what to say.

“It will take a while before I’ll be fine with you,” Blaine says. “But we will learn. We will learn to be around each other, but don’t ever think I can look at you the same way again.”

Kurt squeezes the hand on his shoulder and then presses a kiss on a knuckle, lending strength.

At least they are talking about it. At least they can keep talking, and one day things will get to relatively normal. It does seem unlikely that Blaine will just jump into being the caring older brother he used to be. But they can tolerate each other. It will be a long road, but they are on the way. Kurt is fine with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please tell me what you think! 
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr: little-escapist.tumblr.com.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last proper chapter. There's still a short epilogue to come on Friday, but... this is ending, people. I can't believe this is going to be over. If all goes well, though, there will be a new fic sometime soonish - let's hope it won't take me two years like with this one! I have about two chapters written/drafted already, so at least there's a start.

“Kurt, do you hate me?” Rachel asks over lunch on Thursday. They are sitting in their kitchen, enjoying the last days of their break. Blaine is at work. It has been a while since Kurt was alone with Rachel for this long – he thinks it must have been before Blaine moved in. Maybe it’s a good thing that they have this time now, so they can settle everything that has piled between them in these couple of months.

“Of course I don’t hate you,” Kurt says without hesitation.

“I keep thinking about the stuff I said,” Rachel sighs. “It was really bad, wasn’t it?”

Kurt nods. There’s no worth sugar-coating it, and she wouldn’t deserve it, anyway. “It was awful. I mean, we kept it from you mostly because we were a little afraid of your reaction, but… that was too much, even for you.”

“Can you tell me, like, everything from the beginning? I just want to understand. I won’t get mad anymore, I promise.” Rachel looks at Kurt with big, wet eyes.

So Kurt talks. He tells her how he had a huge crush on Blaine ever since first meeting him. He tells her about the concert weekend, offering her details he never shared before, even though she heard a lot about the concert itself, and the after party, back when it had just happened. He tells her about his clumsy way of telling Blaine he’s interested, and how Blaine reached out to him after initially turning him down. He reveals that the hickey she found on him after one fateful slushy was actually Blaine’s doing, and Rachel blanches a little. He spares her the rest of the most explicit details about how their relationship progressed, but keeps going through the heartbreak of Blaine dumping him.

“No wonder you were mad at me for giving him a place to stay,” Rachel says. “I remember you being miserable at the end of senior year, too. I just thought it was your way of reacting to the change and didn’t press.”

Kurt shakes his head. “I was heartbroken. But Blaine came here, he came to get me back, and… there was no question about it, really. I never stopped loving him.”

“Aww,” Rachel coos, and Kurt can tell that there is no animosity in her. She is genuine. He smiles, a little shy suddenly, in front of his boyfriend’s sister. Now that he doesn’t have to make a point of their love, he doesn’t have to defend it, saying those words to her feels like a lot. It makes him vulnerable, to let her see how deeply he feels about Blaine.

“When you get married, you’ll become my brother!” Rachel says, a realization dawning on her face.

Kurt blinks. Married. Oh wow. “That… that’s a little soon, Rach.” There is no doubt in his heart that Blaine is the one for him, but he is only nineteen. He and Blaine got back together two months ago. And if Blaine was to propose right now, Kurt wouldn’t hesitate, but hearing it from Rachel so casually makes Kurt’s heart miss a beat.

Rachel smiles. “Well, I’m willing to wait. I just like the idea that you’ll really be in my life forever.”

*

As Christmas break ends, things find a rhythm. Kurt and Rachel go to class, Rachel has her diner job. Blaine goes to work and plans lessons in the evenings. He remains cold towards Rachel even though she is doing her best to show that she’s sorry, and fine with them. She does clean the bathroom, and the kitchen, too, even when it isn’t her turn. Kurt thinks they both are going to an extreme with this, dragging their pain out needlessly. He lets them figure it out themselves, though. It’s between siblings, and they don’t need him meddling into it.

Rachel does all she can to let them know she’s fine with them. She doesn’t comment on them touching each other casually. Kurt already genuinely believes Rachel’s acceptance, but Blaine seems to be more stubborn in the matter, throwing verbal jabs at his sister at every possible turn. Rachel is getting pretty good at ignoring those – at first she lashed back, but now she just rolls her eyes and sighs.

She doesn’t bat an eye when Blaine moves to sleep with Kurt permanently, and she helps them take down the drapes surrounding what used to be Blaine’s area. They rearrange some of the common space to accommodate Blaine’s keyboard, and they sell the bed online. Kurt is jittery and excited to share a bed with Blaine every night, even though their area gets tighter when Blaine’s clothes move in, too.

Finally Rachel practically tells them to cuddle when they watch a movie three weeks after school picked back up. It’s almost like a dare, like she is telling them to show off. Blaine rolls his eyes and pulls Kurt into his arms on the couch. Kurt goes, happy with the closeness. And who is he to protest when Blaine starts placing kisses on his neck? That’s his weak spot. He just turns to putty whenever Blaine mouths at that certain spot beneath his ear, the touch sending sparks along his skin and making him hot all over.

They end up making out pretty obnoxiously before the movie is over, enough that Rachel gets up and tells them she’s going out.

“That was a little mean,” Kurt mumbles against Blaine’s lips as the loft door slides closed behind Rachel.

Blaine huffs a laugh. “She started it. She just has to get used to it.”

“You’d probably act the same way she did, if she was right there making out with Brody,” Kurt says.

Blaine shrugs. “Probably. But I never told her she’s sick for wanting him.”

Blaine does kind of have a point, but Kurt doesn’t let him know that. Instead, he pulls away a little. He’s tired of this deliberately dragged tension between his best friend and boyfriend. “What happened with you not wanting to scar your little sister?”

“I just…” Blaine sighs. “I know she’s sorry. I think she has never been this sorry in her life, or at least I haven’t witnessed it. But I can’t help but want to rub it in her face a little.”

“We don’t have to dry hump in front of her to make a point, though.” Kurt levels a look at Blaine. Which one of them was the older one, again? Blaine is acting like a little kid.

“I didn’t notice you complaining.” Blaine gives him a look from under his lashes. He knows what that look does to Kurt, and it’s unfair. There is nothing kidlike about it. Kurt pushes away from him and sits down on the opposite end of the couch.

“I would never complain about your kisses,” Kurt tells him. “But this isn’t you. This isn’t us. Can you calm down a little? Let her live her life – this is her home, too.”

Blaine looks away. “Yeah. Alright. I’ll back off.”

*

And Blaine does. He lets Rachel off the hook that same night, when Rachel gets home with a cheesecake from a bakery nearby.

“Hey, sis?” Blaine calls to her as she goes to the kitchen to get plates for them. Kurt knows that the word choice is planned. Blaine has jokingly called Rachel that before a time or two, but now he emphasizes the word a little too much for it to be just casual. He is calling Rachel his sister.

Rachel stops on her tracks. She turns around, a small smile playing on her lips. “Yeah?” The word is not lost on her, or the possible meaning behind it.

“We’re fine,” Blaine tells her and gets up from the couch. He gives Kurt a look, and Kurt gives him a smile in return. This is good. This way they can heal.

“For real?” Rachel asks. Her voice wobbles.

“Yes.” Blaine walks over to her and pulls her into a hug. She collapses against him, clinging to his shoulders. Kurt looks at them for a moment before he has to turn away. It’s not his place to gawk at them right now. This moment is theirs; the reconciliation belongs to brother and sister only.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine, I love you, I’m sorry.” Rachel’s unstable words reach Kurt’s ears nonetheless, as do the shushing noises Blaine makes.

“You’re forgiven. We’re okay. Now, let’s eat that cheesecake you bought.”

*

Just like that Kurt’s whole life is better than it ever was before. He goes to classes that are challenging and interesting, he has Rachel to gossip and practice with, and he has Blaine. They don’t get much time alone together, because Blaine still has to work, and he started going to therapy again, so that takes every Tuesday afternoon out of their hands. Kurt has his own schedule to keep: he goes to school, does homework, and auditions for some plays. But they get to fall asleep next to each other every night, and they have breakfast together every morning, and sometimes Rachel is at work or with Brody, so they get some hours just the two of them. It’s enough. Kurt thinks it might become stifling if they didn’t spend their days apart, and if Rachel wasn’t there to occupy either one of them every once in a while.

One chilly day at the beginning of February Kurt is alone at home, since his classes ended early. He’s researching a scene for acting class to analyze and prepare for an assignment, wrapped up in a blanket, when his phone pings. He stares at it, kind of reluctant to remove his hand from the warm cocoon he has created for himself, wireless mouse under the blanket so he can keep scrolling through his options. The loft has turned pretty cool since the temperatures dropped, and the landlord isn’t answering their complaints. Kurt is really glad to share Blaine’s heat during the nights.

With a sigh Kurt reaches out from his blanket and grabs his phone.

Rachel

_It’s so cold and Brody’s dorm is warm and his roommate is gone_

_I’m not coming home_

Kurt blinks. Alone time with Blaine. On a Friday. That’s a luxury if he ever had one. Rachel sometimes goes out on Fridays, sometimes she has to work, but weekends are usually dedicated to catching up on school work or cleaning up or getting groceries.

Kurt

For your own sanity’s sake, when should we expect you home?

Rachel

_Tomorrow afternoon_

_I do not want details_

Kurt

I’m not offering any

To Blaine, he texts a simple _please hurry home_. Then he decides to forget about school and suitable scenes for assignments. He leaves his comfy nest of warmth, closes his laptop and hurries to get ready for Blaine. He has a plan. He needs a thorough shower and the new bottle of lube Blaine bought them just a few days ago.

*

“Kurt? Is everything okay?” Blaine calls as he gets home. He sounds hurried and worried, and Kurt thinks, _oops_. Maybe he should have elaborated a little more in his text.

“Yeah,” he answers, hurrying to throw off the cover. He voice is slightly lower than normal from his preparations, and he thinks Blaine should catch up on that.

“You’re in our room? I was so worried, you didn’t answer my texts, and I thought something happened…” Blaine pulls aside the drape and freezes on the spot. His cheeks are red from the cold outside, his hair slightly tousled, and he hasn’t even taken off his coat. Now his mouth hangs slightly open as he stares at Kurt, eyes wide and almost black.

“Hi,” Kurt says, suddenly timid. He managed to throw the cover off between hearing the door open and Blaine seeing him, but he didn’t have enough time to settle into a seductive pose. Now he feels cold in the cool air of the apartment, and a little silly for leaving his phone in the living area in his rush to get everything done before Blaine got back from work. Of course Blaine worried, that’s what Blaine does.

“So, it was that kind of a hurry, then,” Blaine says as he gets over the surprise.

“Uh-huh,” Kurt agrees, fighting the urge to cover himself up. Blaine seeing is the point of this all.

“Oh wow, Kurt…” Blaine is quickly shedding his clothes, setting them on the back of the one chair in their area of the loft.

Kurt lies still. He tries to not care about the cold caressing his naked skin and raising goosebumps all over. He will get warm soon again, once Blaine joins him. It feels strange in this suspended state of half-aroused, waiting for Blaine to get his clothes off. Kurt isn’t used to being naked like this, so openly, without anything to do with his body. He got himself ready, he almost got himself off by accident as he fingered himself, almost dizzy with anticipation for this first they’ve yet to cross off the list. It was fine to be naked under the cover for that, focused on the sensations and images of what was to come, but now… It is cold, and Kurt has too much time for his thoughts. His erection is softening fast.

Blaine climbs in next to him, naked as well, and kisses Kurt on the mouth. “This is a lovely surprise to come home to. Are we getting the apartment to ourselves?” His hands roam along Kurt’s side, tease with a touch that’s too light, and Kurt squirms.

“Yes. And finally we have time for something we haven’t done yet,” Kurt tells Blaine, determined to do this. He takes hold of Blaine hand and guides it down, past his cock and between his legs where he is slick and open.

Blaine lets out a sound that’s not quite a moan, not quite a sigh, but something in between. He stares at Kurt, eyes black with lust.

“I want you in me,” Kurt whispers, and blushes at the words. He pushes through the dirty feeling, leans into it instead. “I want to ride you.”

“You… okay,” Blaine agrees breathlessly, fingers playing around Kurt’s hole, not quite dipping in. The touch is making Kurt hot again, his arousal returning almost alarmingly fast.

“Okay,” Kurt says, flipping them over and lifting his leg so that he ends up straddling Blaine. He likes having Blaine under him, solid and masculine and all his. Blaine smiles up at him. Kurt likes how easily Blaine just lets Kurt on top, just lies down and exists. Kurt trails his fingers over the tattooed K, flicks at the piercings, slides down Blaine’s still slightly soft belly and takes hold of his cock. That’s going to be in him. Kurt swallows. He wants it, but it is a little intimidating. Two fingers felt like a lot, and Blaine is thicker than that.

Blaine lifts his hands up to Kurt’s arms, sweeping them up and down in a soothing motion. “You sure about this?”

Kurt nods. He is. He has wanted to try this out for a while now, they just haven’t had the time. He rises up a little on his knees, guides Blaine’s cock to his entrance, and sits down, just a tiny bit. It takes a few tries before his body yields, before the head of Blaine’s cock is inside, and by that point Kurt is a flushed mess. It feels like so much. Blaine is helping him balance, holding on to his hips, face screwed tight in pleasure and holding back beautifully. Kurt is panting and sweating, staring at Blaine, not sure how he is feeling. It’s a lot, and somehow it’s easier to focus on the technical aspect of everything rather than the reality that Blaine is inside him now.

“Push down a little for me?” Blaine says, breaking through the haze of thought and physical feeling clouding Kurt’s mind. “Just a little, go very slowly, you’re so tight.”

Kurt swallows, tries to relax, and slowly lowers himself down. It feels like it’s never going to end, Blaine is so deep inside, and yet he’s still going. Words escape Kurt, he can’t say anything, he just keeps going, wondering if Blaine suddenly grew several inches overnight. He is so hot all over, he feels like his skin is burning. But then, just as he thought he has to call it quits, he is flush against Blaine’s hips.

“So good, my sweet, you’re incredible,” Blaine tells him, soft awe in his voice. He is red in the face and around his ears, eyes only half open. Kurt leans his hands on Blaine’s lovely, lovely shoulders and tries not to be too overwhelmed. There is an overload of everything; pressure, slight pain, even; Blaine so hot under him. Kurt’s brain feels fried, unable to take it all in.

“It’s, a lot,” Kurt pants.

Blaine nods. “I know, love. Too much?” A tender hand cups the side of Kurt’s face.

“No,” Kurt says and shifts experimentally, making them both moan. Kurt decides he wants more of that, and repeats the movement. When it doesn’t feel uncomfortable, just new, the slide of Blaine’s cock inside of him, he gets bolder. He lifts up a little more, and drops down, and oh, there. He seeks the feeling again, again, again, closes his eyes and gets lost in it. Blaine’s hands are firm on his hips again, his hard breaths music in Kurt’s ears. Kurt’s thighs start to burn way too soon. There is something utterly satisfying in the way his muscles protest, in the way he can feel Blaine on the inside, in the way he finds the right spot every few thrusts. Something so good and right in the way their bodies move together. Kurt opens his eyes to find Blaine looking at him with lips parted and adoration in his eyes.

Kurt is in love with this man, and this is his reality. He is riding his boyfriend into the mattress on a Friday afternoon before dinner. Kurt laughs, delighted at the thought, leaning down towards Blaine a little, and the angle change is a lot. His laugh turns into a gasp.

“Yeah, that’s good, isn’t it?” Blaine coos at him and wraps his fingers around Kurt’s erection, jerking in tandem with his thrusts up into Kurt.

The double sensation makes Kurt moan way too loud, but he doesn’t even care, he feels good and taken care of between Blaine’s cock and his hand. It doesn’t take long before the pleasure peaks, filling his brain with white noise, dimming down every other feeling but the pleasure as he spills on Blaine’s fingers and stomach, squeezing around Blaine and whoa, that is new and exciting and it lights his nerves on fire. Blaine thrusts up into him a handful of times before coming with a sigh of Kurt’s name.

Kurt lifts off, barely able to do so, and curls into Blaine’s chest. He can feel Blaine’s come leaking out, and it should be gross, but right then it’s only a feeling. They usually use condoms for easy clean up, but sometimes they enjoy the skin on skin, nothing in between. Kurt wanted it that way this time, his first time.

“Feel free to surprise me like this whenever,” Blaine murmurs into Kurt’s hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'd love to know what you think of the chapter! 
> 
> My tumblr is little-escapist.tumblr.com, and I might post updates sometimes about how the new fic is coming along...


	23. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, people. 
> 
> Thank you for following along.

The streets of New York are as busy as always, but somehow they look very different from Kurt’s current seat in the back of a cab. He stares at the tall buildings in the city he has begun to call home. Excitement and nerves are coiling in his belly, making both his heart and this thoughts race as he stares out of the tinted window. He is on his way to a premiere of a movie he is starring in, no matter how minor his role is. It’s unreal. It’s more than he even dared to dream of back in Ohio.

And Blaine is there with him.

Blaine, handsome and put-together in his traditional black tux, hair slightly gelled to a very classic coif, is sitting right next to Kurt, holding on to his trembling and a little sweaty hand. Kurt squeezes the fingers under his and Blaine turns to look at him with a smile. Kurt is struck once again how it must be a dream. A movie premiere with Blaine, fancy tuxes, and a party afterwards. Elliott Starchild will be there in all his stage glory, and he will probably hug Kurt, and they are _friends_. It can’t be real, it can’t be Kurt’s life. It’s so good that it’s hard to believe he is here, after all the loneliness and bullying and loss he has been through.

“Tell me again how this is actually true?”

Blaine laughs. “Oh, this is absolutely true, my sweet. But I have told you that at least a hundred times today. I have something else to tell you instead.”

“What is it?” Kurt furrows his brows. He has no idea what Blaine is alluding to, but he feels like he should know. The look on Blaine’s face says as much.

“Do you know what date it is today?” Blaine asks.

“It’s February 17th.”

“Yes it is.” Blaine looks at him like that should mean something, squeezes Kurt’s fingers a little tighter.

Kurt shakes his head. “I don’t get it. What are you getting at?”

“One year ago to the day, we went to see Elliott Starchild in concert in Columbus,” Blaine tells him.

“Oh, we did!” Understanding dawns finally. Kurt knows that date, he really does, with how he kept waiting for the concert for months and months, counting days, almost hours until it was time. He had known there was something familiar about the date when the premiere was announced, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It’s been a year since Elliott Starchild’s concert that brought him and Blaine together.

“That’s where we started, really, even though I rejected you at first,” Blaine continues.

“You’re right,” Kurt says, leaning into Blaine a little. “That is where it started. I got to spend time with you, alone, just the two of us.”

Blaine presses a kiss on his temple. “Exactly. And I was smitten, but scared, because you’re so much younger than me.”

“Look at us now,” Kurt sighs.

“Indeed.”

“I would not have believed you a year ago, if you had told me where we would be. I can hardly believe it now,” Kurt says, circling back to the topic that has been on his mind all day. How this can’t be real. “I am on the way to an Elliott Starchild movie debut, well, that I could have believed. But that I have a part in that same movie? That I have the most handsome, kindest and sweetest date? That we’ve been together for so long and been through so much? None of that feels like it can be real.”

“You’re wrong on one thing, though,” Blaine points out gently. “It’s me who has the handsomest, sweetest date to this event.”

“Flatterer,” Kurt scoffs, but the comment pleases him a lot. He can’t hide his smile from Blaine, either. He feels warm and happy. If it weren’t for the seatbelt, he would float up into the air, he’s sure.

“Only the truth. You deserve all this,” Blaine says, and he’s so sincere Kurt aches.

The car pulls to a stop in front of a theater, and there is a red carpet, and some photographers and journalists. The movie isn’t some big blockbuster, but Elliott Starchild’s first foray into film is a factor that interests people. Kurt takes a deep breath. He is about to go out there, to be photographed. He is about to see himself on a giant screen.

“Ready?” Blaine asks softly.

Kurt smiles at him and opens the car door. “With you by my side, I’m ready for anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there it is. Almost 200 000 words, seven months of writing and before that, two years of mulling the idea in my head. This is the longest story I've ever written. This is the most I've written in such a timespan, too. It's bittersweet to part with this story and this version of the characters, but on the other hand, in the last couple of weeks I've started to let go. Every story ends sometime - and I'm keeping my options open. 
> 
> A huge thank you for everyone who has read along, left kudos to these three stories, and especially those that have been commenting. It means so much to me, to have people following along a story I have written, and to get to read what you think about the twists and turns and my take on these characters. I reread comments all the time, and they motivate and validate me like nothing else. 
> 
> Until the next one, lots of love <3


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